By Zephyria 
However, since I had done something wrong, I held back and spoke calmly.
“I’ll kill more discreetly next time.”
“……”
Apparently, he didn’t like my answer, because now his face was radiating a chilling coldness. For some reason, I felt like it was harder to please him than the Emperor.
I remembered that his personality wasn’t as cruel as the Emperor’s, so I added,
“I didn’t mean I’d kill just anyone, but if I were in a war or encountered a heinous criminal, I would.”
“……”
Still, his expression didn’t soften. This must not have been the answer he wanted either. Why is he being so picky? What does he want me to do?
I opened my mouth in resignation.
“If I’m in a dangerous situation, I won’t kill recklessly and will do my best to run away. If I can’t escape and get caught, I’ll honorably kill myself before being violated.”
Maybe it was because I was annoyed, but I spoke in a sarcastic tone without realizing it. I belatedly realized my mistake, but I couldn’t take back the words I had already spoken.
He could have gotten angry, but the Crown Prince just glared at me with terrifying eyes. Was he planning to keep staring at me like that until I gave him the right answer?
Since I had already screwed up, I decided to just ask him outright.
“What answer do you want to hear?”
Before I could finish speaking, his arm moved. I thought he was really going to hit me for being presumptuous this time, but his hand didn’t touch me. Instead, he touched his forehead.
“Do you think I’m lecturing you for killing enemy soldiers during the war? If mutilating the corpses was part of the operation, as you said, then it couldn’t be helped. It’s inhumane, but that means the situation you were in was atrocious.”
“Then why do you keep giving me the stink eye and making me uncomfortable?”
I needed to filter my words, but as if I was crazy, my mouth started moving on its own.
“Regardless of the situation, that kind of behavior isn’t normal!”
The Crown Prince raised his voice. Was I going to get hit this time? I waited with my eyes wide open, but he just roughly swept back his hair.
“Do you really not know why I’m doing this?”
“……”
I had apologized and said I wouldn’t do it again, so what more did I have to do? Did I have to mourn the dead soldiers?
But I was too exhausted to even shed tears. Honestly, I wasn’t that sad either. My chest felt so tight that I just frowned, and then the Crown Prince said,
“I’m asking if you weren’t scared.”
“……”
“It was unavoidable, but it’s not like you did it because you wanted to.”
Wasn’t I scared?
That was so unexpected that I couldn’t help but be surprised. And then, I didn’t know how to respond to the cryptic words that followed.
Should I just thank him for his concern? I couldn’t understand what he meant by those words at all.
As if reading my expression, the Crown Prince sighed with a tired face.
“Did you kill them that way because you wanted to?”
“No, that’s not it. If there had been another way, I wouldn’t have killed them that way.”
This was true. Mutilating corpses that were already dead and not moving was a very inefficient thing to do. I was already sore and exhausted, so I had to conserve my strength as much as possible, and running around like that was dangerous.
“……Weren’t you scared while acting like that?”
The Crown Prince’s expression subtly changed as he looked at my bewildered face. I also felt the subtlety.
I couldn’t understand why he was asking if I was scared in that situation. It was something I had to do even if I was scared. That’s why I’m still alive.
“I just did what I had to do.”
“……”
“……”
An uncomfortable silence fell. Since he closed his mouth, I couldn’t say anything else either. The Crown Prince stared at me blankly for a long time, then asked in a seemingly cautious tone.
“Weren’t you tormented by killing people?”
That question contained a lot of meaning. I finally realized why the Crown Prince was looking at me with such a strange face.
He seemed to think that I was a crazy bastard just like the Emperor, who killed people without batting an eye. In other words, a human who felt nothing while killing and only had murder as a goal.
I was so honored to be treated as the equivalent of the great Sun God that I couldn’t bear it.
“I was very tormented.”
“……”
“I was tormented, exhausted, and felt like I was going crazy, so I killed them while wailing. When I return to Talim, I plan to build tombs for the soldiers who died unfairly and hold a ceremony every year to appease their souls. If I can find their families, I will compensate them as much as they want.”
“……”
I couldn’t even curse because I was annoyed, so I just said what I thought the Crown Prince would want to hear and dabbed at my eyes with the back of my hand. I knew how grotesque my appearance would look in his eyes with my overly exaggerated tone.
That’s why I did it on purpose. I wished he would stop talking nonsense, hit me if he was going to, get angry if he was going to, and just leave quickly. How long did I have to continue this incomprehensible conversation?
“Kyle.”
But he didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving.
“Taking the life of a living person is not an easy thing.”
“……”
“I’m not talking about strength or skill. In order to take someone’s life, you have to be prepared. Even if you know it in your head, it takes a lot of courage to put it into practice. It’s even more so when you have to kill someone you don’t want to.”
He explained it slowly and at length, but I still couldn’t understand what he meant.
“It’s the same even if you’ve steeled your heart for revenge. Thinking about it in your head is different from putting it into action.”
The Crown Prince was talking in general terms.
In other words, an ordinary person needs a lot of resolve to kill someone. It’s natural in a situation where you have to kill someone you don’t want to, and even if you’re blinded by revenge and not in your right mind, it’s the same.
Coincidentally, I had killed people for both reasons. In the Imperial Castle and in Gaulaprum.
I finally understood this far and nodded. Then the Crown Prince continued calmly.
“No matter how much you prepare yourself, mutilating a corpse is not something an ordinary person can do.”
I got stuck again here. I finally said honestly.
“I don’t understand what you’re saying at all.”
“A normal person can’t be okay after doing something like that. No matter what the situation is.”
A normal person? Did he want to say that I was not normal like his father?
It might be a stretch, but that’s all I could hear. Flames rose from within and my whole body felt hot.
“So, are you saying that I should have gone crazy from the shock of killing people?”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“I heard that you’ve been going to the battlefield since you were very young. Why can’t I do what you can do? Didn’t you kill people when you first went to the battlefield? Did you cry every night after killing people? Did you spend the night crying when you had to open your eyes again the next day? Is that why you’re criticizing me like this? Are you like your father, so you have no qualms about killing people?”
I thought I was really going to get hit this time. But the Crown Prince just stared at me with wide eyes as if he was surprised. He stared at me blankly as if he was looking at a flying puppy, then raised his hand and stroked his chin.
“So, this is your real personality.”
“Stop talking nonsense and just hit me if you’re going to punish me. It’s hard to listen to. Or just imprison me.”
“Why would I hit you? You’re saying funny things.”
Suddenly, he laughed. I frowned at the sudden laughter, and he turned his head. The outside of the window was dark without a single ray of light.
“When I first went to the battlefield, I was just a child who couldn’t do anything.”
“……”
“I wanted to cry every day, but I couldn’t. I was a prince of Actan, after all. There were many eyes watching, so I couldn’t let my guard down for a moment. I tried hard to act like a weapon born for battle from the beginning. I always had to act dignified, so I couldn’t show my emotions. Whether I was happy, sad, or in pain, things like that. Very basic emotional expressions.”
He seemed to be recalling a painful past, but there was no change in his eyes. I was definitely annoyed just a moment ago, but I was curious about his story.
So, I pretended not to listen but still pricked up my ears.
“But no matter how hard you try, you can’t erase emotions. In the end, all the days when you couldn’t grieve in time and couldn’t be happy in time remain in your heart like a tomb. There are so many of those tombs that I can’t bear it anymore, so even if I try to mourn in a hurry, it’s already too late.”
“……”
“If you can’t say you’re scared when you’re scared, then that fear will never be resolved. It’s the same if you can’t be sad when you’re sad. If you can’t hold a funeral and you’re too busy hiding it, then everything remains in your heart.”
The Crown Prince, who had been looking out the window, turned his head to me.
“I realized this too late.”
I couldn’t say anything like a person with a severed tongue. I couldn’t even be sarcastic like I was a moment ago. His words sounded like he was trying to give me some kind of teaching.
But I couldn’t easily agree with his words. It sounded plausible, but in the end, it was all just self-satisfaction. It’s easier to live if you let go and forgive yourself than if you feel guilty.
What changes if you grieve in time? It’s not like the dead will come back to life if you cry.
I looked at him with a sullen expression and asked.
“So, are you saying that I must have been scared when I mutilated the corpses, so I should honestly say that? Should I cry and confess to you that I was scared? So that I can get rid of my feelings and feel better? Does that mean that the fact that I mutilated the corpses will disappear? Why the hell would I do that?”
“So, you were scared after all.”
“Are you deaf?”
“That’s better. It’s never bad to be scared.”
Why couldn’t he understand what I was saying? I glared at him with disgust as if he was trash, but the Crown Prince laughed.
“Still, it was wrong to act alone, so write a letter of reflection later when you feel better.”
“Stop making me do unsightly things and just hit me.”
“No matter how much the world becomes peaceful thanks to your sacrifice, what good is it if you die? If you act recklessly like a foal one more time, I will never forgive you.”
Was that what he meant by the world being peaceful? I didn’t act that way because I wanted the world to be peaceful, so I couldn’t understand what he was thinking.
Crazy bastard.