By Zephyria 
The poisoned wine tasted of nothing. There was a faint, fragrant fruit scent, but it didn’t last long.
The Emperor only frowned a little, but the moment I drank it, I felt a great pain in my throat and stomach. I felt nauseous and so weak in my limbs that I couldn’t even stand properly.
My memory cut off as if I had fainted.
When I came to, quite some time had passed. I assumed everyone was dead and was just staring blankly at the ceiling when I heard that Jia was still alive.
I rushed to Jia, but she was in a terrible state, barely alive. Literally, she was only just breathing.
Could I call this lucky to be alive? It might have been better to die on the spot.
Whether it was thanks to the poison resistance training I had been doing, I only lost some flesh in my mouth. My esophagus and stomach lining were also damaged, but only slightly, and I would recover with a few days of medication.
When I didn’t answer, Jia moved her lips again.
“Your body…”
She asked even though I looked perfectly fine and she should be able to tell at a glance. I was speechless and kept my mouth shut for a long time before answering.
“Can’t you tell? Of course, I’m fine.”
There had been many times when it was more serious than this. There were many times when I couldn’t come to my senses for days. Jia had nursed me almost every time, so she must know. This was nothing to me.
“It’s cold…”
Why is it suddenly cold? Has the poison driven her mad? Poison could affect the mind as well as the body, so it wasn’t particularly surprising.
But even as she was collapsing so tragically, Jia managed to say exactly what she wanted to say.
“Please tidy your clothes…”
“…”
“Don’t walk around barefoot…”
“…”
Every time I heard the sound of phlegm rattling in her throat, it felt like sandpaper was scraping against my eardrums. I looked down. I had been in such a hurry that I hadn’t even put on my shoes. Of course, I hadn’t bothered to put on any clothes either.
“…”
I stared at my pale, bloodless feet for a long time. I couldn’t take my eyes off them. Or rather, I couldn’t lift my head. I was afraid to lift my head and look at Jia’s face.
Was this fear? Or was it just that I had nothing to say? She was about to die, what should I say to her for the last time?
The longer I pondered, the bigger the thorns in my heart grew, stabbing me.
“I…”
All that remained in the pain was regret.
“I taught you wrong.”
I shouldn’t have let you run around so recklessly. I shouldn’t have let you talk back so presumptuously. I should have trained you to bow your heads whenever our eyes met.
Why did I make you smile when our eyes met? Why did I let those insignificant things, who had nothing, feel sympathy for their master? Why did I let you wave your hands when we looked at each other?
Why was I so lenient?
This was Sa Dillin. I should have taught you to always be vigilant and to preserve your lives. I should have been stricter. I should have made you fear me…
“Your Highness.”
At the weak call, my gaze naturally moved. Her lips moved as if she was about to say something. I didn’t want to hear it, so I interrupted her.
“Was it because I gave you the medicine?”
Every moment was filled with regret.
“Was it because I told you to bring your young daughter to live with you that you became so unable to distinguish right from wrong?”
Even now, Jia’s eyes were full of concern for me. She was worried that I was cold because I was running around barefoot, that was what she was worried about. Even as she was dying from drinking poison on her own accord, due to a ruthless and unfair order that had no logic.
Only then did I remember that no one in that hellish hall had resented me.
My head throbbed, and I closed my eyes tightly.
“This is why you shouldn’t be nice to those who grew up with nothing.”
Those who have nothing and have never received anything treasure even the smallest thing they get as if it were their life’s treasure.
Just a leftover piece of bread, a doll they were tired of and threw away, a wooden sword for training, a sip of warm tea, clothes that no longer fit, medicine they didn’t even know existed, a few coins they never used, a few words they didn’t even remember…
“You pathetic things who don’t even know what’s important.”
Their lives are so miserable that they marvel at a ray of light and a tiny bit of warmth that shines through the cracks. Because the only world they know is hell, they believe that a world that is a little less painful is heaven.
“Just because you live like vermin in the Imperial Castle, does that mean you value your lives less than vermin?”
If someone had given them even once the generosity that I had given them as if throwing away trash, would things have been different? Having experienced it already, would they have been a little less grateful and not even thought about repaying the favor?
If I had never given them anything in the first place, would something have changed?
“Your Highness.”
It was impossible to know.
“Just because we live like insignificant and weak insects, how could we not know that our lives are precious?”
Then Jia opened her mouth, looking at me with clear eyes. Her voice was still horribly cracked and her pronunciation was unclear, but she spoke without hesitation.
“Those who grew up with nothing give their lives for loyalty, not because it is not precious.”
“…”
Even though she was clearly in so much pain that she wanted to die right away, Jia smiled at me.
“It is because it is the most valuable and precious thing I have.”
Her bloodshot eyes shone more brightly than ever, like a girl with many dreams.
I recalled all the countless days that Jia could have enjoyed like a panorama.
Being loved by her loving husband, giving love to her loving daughter, and living a happy life doing what she wanted to do, even though it wasn’t a perfect world.
I was speechless and swallowed several times before opening my mouth.
“Sakira…”
I was going to tell her not to worry, that I would take good care of her family.
“…”
With her eyes open, in the same position as she was looking at me.
“…”
Jia was gone.
¸.•¨•¸.•¨•¸.•¨•¸
Did you forget me?
Did you forget that mess back then?
The Emperor did not look for me again after that. The doctor who used to bring poison to train my resistance stopped coming. Now that Jia and all the Servants and guards who took care of me were dead, I was left alone in a corner of Sa Dillin.
It wasn’t that they were planning to kill me, as they brought me meals on time, but that was all. My head was so messed up that I couldn’t bring myself to put anything in my mouth and swallow it.
How did this happen? Where did I go wrong? What did I do wrong? Why did those guys suddenly take their livers out of their stomachs and act like that?
Did they really give their lives to repay the favor because I had shown them some kindness and given them some unnecessary things? That might be one of the reasons, but it wasn’t enough to be the whole reason.
They weren’t people who had no attachment to the world, and they weren’t orphans. They had families, dreams they wanted to achieve, and a clear goal of earning money and living happily. There was no way they would all join hands and commit suicide just to repay a favor.
Then why?
“…”
Was it because I was unconscious for about ten days before? Did they feel uneasy after seeing that? Or was it because I vomited blood while eating? But that wasn’t the first time that had happened? Did I groan in my sleep without realizing it?
Like the doctor who first took pity on me, I was careful in everything I did and thought dozens of times before saying a word, lest someone have foolish thoughts.
I never said I was sick, I never said I was having a hard time, and I never made any sounds of suffering. Why were things that I had just let flow naturally like everyday life becoming a problem now?
‘…giving their loyalty…’
Then I heard a small hallucination of Jia’s voice in my head. I shook my head to shake off the distracting thoughts and tried to concentrate again, but it wasn’t easy.
The hallucinations and illusions were getting worse. Not only Jia’s appearance but also the whole mess in the hall was vividly recreated. The constant screams and painful groans that hit my eardrums, the sounds of vomiting, the smell of blood, the sweet and fragrant scent of the wine, and the look in the Emperor’s eyes as he looked at me.
‘Hurry!’
The vision blurred as if colors were mixing. The boundary between dream and reality became ambiguous, and now there was no point in opening my eyes. Listening to the constant noise and smelling the various smells, I constantly worried and thought about why this had happened.
Then, when my mind cleared up from time to time, I inevitably had a question.
If it was true that they wanted to give their loyalty.
If they really wanted to care for me so much.
If they were worried about me.
“…”
Why did you die?
You shouldn’t have died like that. You should have lived somehow, you should have survived by any means.
“…”
You should have been by my side.