By Zephyria 
He overreacts to the smallest actions, bursting into tears or anger in an instant. Aska might be in a state where he can’t control his emotions right now. Drinking my blood to satisfy his hunger, disregarding my pain, was something he would never have done if he were in his right mind.
Putting it all together, it means Aska is no different from a beast acting on instinct right now.
Had he been thinking like this all along? It was sudden, but somehow, a corner of my heart felt heavy. I leaned my face against Aska’s chest and quietly asked, “Is that what you’ve wanted all along?”
“Yeah.”
“You wanted to be alone with me?”
“Yeah.”
Even with the steady answers, my heart still felt heavy.
“But why didn’t you ever say anything? You never showed it usually.”
“It’s no use saying it. It’s impossible.”
“How do you know that?”
Even so, if he had told me instead of suffering alone, it might have been a little better.
“There are too many people around you.”
“……”
“You like too many things.”
“……”
“There are too many things you can’t give up. Too many things you have to do. Too many things you have to be responsible for.”
I subtly raised my head and looked at Aska. But I couldn’t see his face.
“I only need you, but it’s not the same for you……”
“……”
I only need Aska too.
But I know that’s realistically impossible. I sometimes imagined locking Aska in the most beautiful, comfortable, and expensive room with plenty of sunlight. I could actually do it, but I probably wouldn’t choose that option unless I really had to.
The reason was simple. It was obvious Aska would hate it. There was no need to force him to do something he hated and make him feel repulsed by me.
The problem is that Aska is different from me. I can do it but I’m choosing not to, but Aska can’t do it, so he can’t.
Is that difference what’s making Aska struggle?
I tried my best to understand, racking my brain, but I still don’t really get it.
“Do you hate me seeing other people?”
“I hate it.”
“What else do you hate?”
Aska spoke fluently, as if he had been waiting for the question.
“I hate the smell of other people on you.”
“Why would I smell like other people? I haven’t even hugged anyone.”
“It just rubs off even if you’re just standing next to them. That’s why I hate being in the same space.”
To think he was making that face and thinking those things inside. Thinking about Aska suffering alone makes me feel sorry for him, and also find him cute, and really……
“Just tell me. I would have hugged you every time you had those thoughts.”
“I hate it.”
“Why that too?”
“I don’t want to act like a child.”
He’s acting like a child right now anyway.
For a moment, words almost slipped out without going through my brain, but I barely managed to stop myself. It would be a disaster if Aska got agitated again because I said something wrong.
Aska’s current state is like a bomb that will explode if touched, so caution was needed.
“Why do you hate it? Did I tell you not to act like a child before?”
“That’s not it, but anyway, I’m taller than you.”
What does height have to do with this? I couldn’t understand children’s thought processes at all.
“Anyway, I understand how you feel. When we go home, let’s live together, just the two of us, the way you want. We said we’d do that on the ship, right? Remember we said we’d find a house together?”
“Yeah.”
The answer came, but his voice was full of dissatisfaction. Does he hate this too? Puzzled, I tilted my head and continued, “When we get back, we’ll live together, just the two of us. We’ll reduce the Servants to a minimum……”
“I hate it!”
Aska screamed. I couldn’t help but be nervous at the extreme opposition. If this state of excitement continued, it was obvious that we wouldn’t be able to have a conversation again.
“Okay, let’s not do it. Let’s not do that.”
I didn’t know if he didn’t want to go home or if he hated the Servant, but I just agreed with Aska. If it was the latter, it would be okay, but if it was the former, it would be a difficult situation.
No matter what, we can’t stay here forever.
“I really hate that.”
“Yeah. I hate it too. That’s really awful.”
I nodded and rubbed my cheek against Aska’s chest and shoulder as if to soothe him. If my hands were okay, I would have hugged him, but I was still tied up behind my back, so I couldn’t.
“Why do you say it’s okay for them?”
Then Aska asked in a resentful voice. What is he talking about? He suddenly said he hated it, and now he’s saying something is okay?
“What did I say was okay?”
I asked cautiously, and Aska tightened his arms around me.
“You told me.”
“Told you what?”
“You said it was okay to show them your face.”
“Why is that?”
“Why did you do that!”
“……”
Is he talking about Sakira and Abyss? What is he so angry about? Is this something to get so angry about? I didn’t understand, so I asked.
“Did you hate showing your face that much? Then you should have said so then.”
“That’s different.”
“What else?”
“It’s different when you tell me not to show it and when I don’t want to show it!”
It was something I almost understood but not quite. Anyway, he said he hated it, so I apologized to Aska.
“Okay, I’m sorry. From today, don’t show your face to anyone. Okay?”
“……”
“You absolutely can’t show it to anyone. Can you promise?”
“Yeah……”
The excited Aska became docile as if by magic. I let out a sigh of relief inwardly. On the other hand, I realized that Aska’s behavior, apart from not being in his right mind, was very similar to when he was drunk.
I’m sure Aska, when he was drunk in my memory, acted exactly the same as he is now. I felt like I remembered it, but I couldn’t quite recall it. Is he drunk on blood now instead of alcohol?
Thinking that, I asked what I was curious about again.
“Is this your original form?”
“Original form?”
“You have wings and a tail. And small horns.”
They were so small that they were barely horns, but they were still horns. I couldn’t see it, but I could feel Aska shaking his head.
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?”
“It’s the first time it’s been like this. I haven’t finished making it yet.”
“Haven’t finished making it?”
The more I heard, the more puzzled I became.
“What do you mean you haven’t finished making it?”
“My body isn’t finished yet.”
“……”
Suddenly, the lump I saw in my dream came to mind. I thought that was Aska’s original form, but maybe it wasn’t. Then were the parts of Aska’s body that they found in Actan real? The one that seemed to have exploded from the inside……
I had expected it to some extent, but it was even more shocking to hear it directly.
“It’s been five years, and you still haven’t fully recovered?”
My heart started beating fast. Something felt strange even after asking the question. If he was shattered to that extent, recovering this much in five years might be fast.
“The outside is almost done.”
“No, not the outside……”
I paused while speaking. I remembered Zero saying that when he looked at Aska with the Magical tool, he looked empty, as if there was a hole in him.
My head was so complicated that it was hard to choose my words. As I moved my lips, Aska said, “I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to see you for so long back then.”
“……”
“If I had known I wouldn’t be able to see you for five years, I would have made my heart first.”
I couldn’t follow the conversation at all. Is he saying that he can create even his heart, not just other organs? But that’s not what’s important right now.
I couldn’t shake off the nagging feeling I’d had since earlier.
“Is it better to make your heart first?”
“I didn’t know either, but it seems like I can’t use my power well without a heart.”
“Then you should make that a priority. What does the outside matter?”
“You wouldn’t recognize me.”
At those words, I realized what had been nagging at me all along. Still, I hoped, I prayed it wasn’t true, and asked.
“You made the shell first, even though you didn’t have a heart?”
“It’s not that I didn’t have one at all, I had a little bit left. That’s why I can make my body again.”
“That’s not what I’m asking.”
Clearly, until recently, Aska’s skin was a mess. The image of his tattered skin was vividly in my mind, and my head throbbed.
“So I ate people again.”
Even with the words he muttered as if making a confession, the headache didn’t subside easily.
“It’s still not healed?”
“It’s almost healed.”
“Not the shell.”
“I’m fixing that now.”
“How much more do you have to fix?”
“I don’t know.”
He doesn’t know? Is there still a long way to go? Since it’s not visible on the outside, I had no idea what his current state was.
“You don’t have organs inside your body?”
I don’t know exactly what he means by only fixing the shell. It didn’t seem to be the literal meaning. Because Aska ate and bled.
“It’s not that…… It’s hard to explain. I’ve made the organs able to function somehow.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I don’t know either. Anyway, I’m fixing it well.”
“……”
What do you even know? Frustration surged for a moment. Why does he know so little about his own body? And I didn’t really trust that he was fixing it well.
“Can you fix it perfectly?”
No, in the first place, why was he so injured? Aska at that time was much stronger than Aska now. He even brought down lightning from a clear sky……
Several assumptions came to mind as to why Aska became like that, but there was nothing that I was sure of.
“Are you going to stay here with me forever?”
“What?”
Then Aska suddenly asked.
“If you swear that you’ll only live with me forever, I’ll tell you.”
What kind of deal is this all of a sudden? It was a bit absurd, but I nodded to hear the answer.
“I swear.”
Aska was silent for a moment and then sighed. Then he hugged me tightly and started patting me as if putting a baby to sleep.
He’s swearing?
“……!”
I was definitely going to say that, but no sound came out. Suddenly, I couldn’t speak as if I was paralyzed. Could this be a similar magic to binding my wrists and ankles?
“……! ……!”
I kept trying to speak, but it was impossible. I wriggled, shook my legs, and twisted my whole body. Every time I did, Aska hugged me tighter to keep me from moving.
“Lullaby, lullaby.”
“……!”
“Lullaby, lullaby.”
What are you doing!
I’m not sleepy!