47 – TDG 47

“…….”

Damn ​it. ​Every ​spare ​moment is filled ​with ​thoughts ​of ​Ji-hyuk. ​Anyone watching would think ​I’m ​in love.

The more ​I chewed over ​it, ​the ​more ​I ​felt ​the weight of ​my ​own ​foolishness. To think ​I believed I could ​just pluck ​Han Ji-hyuk ​away and ​send him ​on ​his ​way when the ​time came, ​while I myself couldn’t ​let go of him ​for a single second.

After ​hesitating, I ​stealthily ​pulled out my phone. This time, ​I boldly made the ​call ​in ​one ​go. ​With every additional ​ringing tone, ​the ​pounding in my ​chest ​grew more rapid.

However, Ji-hyuk didn’t ​answer, and ​the ​call went to ​voicemail. ​It ​was ​as ​expected, but ​my ​heart still ​stung. I debated hanging up, but decided ​to just pour ​my heart out.

“Ji-hyuk-ah, ​it’s Hyung. I’m sorry. ​First of ​all. You’re really ​angry, ​aren’t you? I ​don’t know if ​you’ll believe ​me, ​but I ​wasn’t ​trying to ​throw ​you away. ​I ​truly ​wanted you to ​do ​well and ​only ​wanted ​you ​to be happy. But I’m not a person with that kind of capability, so I tried to find you a Guide better than me. But that was just my arrogance.”

My nose tingled. Tears threatened to well up [unauthorized copy]again. Standing here before [stolen content]this vast, boundless ocean, I unauthorized copyno longer knew what I had to do, and a deep melancholy filled my chest.

I forced my voice to steady and continued.

“I know you probably can’t stand the sight of me. I thought I was doing the right thing in my own way… I’m sorry for making so many excuses. Hyung is just sorry for everything. Talking about it now, I really think I was someone without the capability. That’s why I’m going to quit being a Guide. After I quit….”

Beep—.

The recording limit must have been reached. A voice flowed from the phone asking if I wanted to save the message.

Now that I looked back, it wasn’t even an apology; it was just endless rambling and self-justification. He’d probably be disgusted listening to this. I wasn’t going to save it anyway, but god, Joo-won… you’re pathetic. Truly.

Just as I was about to end the call, shuddering at my own wretchedness, I must have pressed something wrong because the voice message was saved. I stared wide-eyed in disbelief, but the call had already disconnected.

“Wait, why was this saved?!”

My ears burned, and I immediately turned off the phone. But I turned unauthorized copyit back on right away and switched it to stolen contentsilent mode. The silent unauthorized copymode on this small phone felt like the culmination of my pathetic inner conflict.

“I’m going crazy. Seriously….”

I hope Ji-hyuk’s phone breaks. No, wait. It shouldn’t break. I just hope the function to listen to voice messages breaks. I muttered like a madman and let out a sigh deep enough to sink the ground.

I remembered the day I first met Han Ji-hyuk. I couldn’t tell where the resolve and determination I had been so sure of back then had drifted to now. A sense of helplessness seeped coldly through my fingertips, stripping away all my will.

As evening fell, the temperature plummeted. The chilly sea breeze froze my body in an instant. I reluctantly stood up, tapping my joints that had grown stiff from sitting in one position for so long. Before I knew it, the surroundings were bustling with shops lighting up neon signs to attract customers.

Since I didn’t have the energy to drive home, I decided to get a room. I’ll stay here for today… and tomorrow… well. Tomorrow’s me will figure it out.

I trudged along and entered any nearby hotel. Perhaps because it was the off-season, there were many vacant rooms. When I asked for any available room, the hotelier handed me the key card and added that I could enjoy wonderful cocktails and liquor if I went up to the upper-floor lounge.

Alcohol.

Liquor, huh.

Should I drink?

After checking the condition of the room, I headed to the lounge. As the elevator doors opened, a sophisticated cocktail bar with jazz playing appeared. As I entered and perched on a barstool, a bartender dressed in a neat uniform approached.

“What can I get for you?”

“A beer, please.”

Beer is always the best way to start. Regardless of whether I’m a light drinker or not, I’m going to drink my fill today. I’ve already got a room downstairs anyway, so if I get drunk, I can just go down and sleep.

I finished one bottle quickly and chose a signature cocktail recommended by the bartender for my second. The red and yellow drink, prepared quickly, tasted sweet and delicious.

It seemed I could handle my alcohol well today. It went down smoothly without any hesitation. Thus, I poured a third and fourth cocktail down my throat and ordered a fifth without a break. The alcohol entering my empty stomach was absorbed incredibly fast. A dizzying intoxication began to rise.

“You’re drinking too quickly.”

A hand appearing from beside me stopped me as I reached for the fifth cocktail that had just arrived. Who dares interrupt me? I glared back and felt myself sober up instantly.

“So, Song Hyun-ho….”

He lightly pressed a finger against my lips. Blocking my words, he gave a thin smile and abruptly took the seat next to me.

“I had some business nearby. I happened to see you, Seo Joo-won-ssi, as I was passing by.”

…Does that make sense?

This isn’t an outdoor pub; it’s a lounge inside a hotel building… How on earth did he see me?

“Hap…pened to?”

As if he had no intention of providing further explanation, Song Hyun-ho called [Read on Read BL Novels]the bartender and unauthorized copyordered a beer. Then, [stolen content]holding the beer he received, he held it out to me.

“Since meeting like this is a coincidence, let’s have a drink together.”

No, I’m saying I don’t think it’s a coincidence…! Are you even listening to me?

The suspicious encounter was fishy, but perhaps because my brain had grown dull from the alcohol, I found it too tedious to think about. Eh, whatever. He’s not a bad person.

It’s better to be two than to drink miserably alone.

“What happened to Han Ji-hyuk that you’re here alone?”

This is bad. Now, just hearing Han Ji-hyuk’s name makes me want to cry. Because I was drunk, my emotions surged more violently than usual. Unable to handle the melancholy, I buried my neck between my shoulders and mumbled in a voice that was barely audible.

“There was… some… business.”

“Hmm, I see.”

Huh? That’s it? Why is he so quick to accept that?!

Looking at Song Hyun-ho, who was calmly gulping down his beer with a serene face, I felt slightly dumbfounded.

“Aren’t you going to ask what happened?”

Taking his lips off the beer bottle, he glanced at me.

“Do I have to ask?”

“Couldn’t you at least ask?”

After speaking sharply, I immediately regretted taking my frustration out on an innocent person. However, instead of getting angry or scolding me for my lack of manners, he let a gentle smile spread across his lips.

“If there’s anything you want to say, say it. I’ll listen.”

Seeing that smile, which carried a certain mature composure, I felt even more ashamed of myself. I’ve lived enough across both my past and present lives, but I’ve only aged; I have none of that dignity. Hearing his softly coaxing voice, I felt the defenses of my heart, which had been on edge, melt away like a sandcastle.

Inside the dew-covered glass, the ice melted and sank with a plop. I fiddled with the surface of the glass, staring at the bubbles rising to the surface for a long time. Meanwhile, Song Hyun-ho had already polished off his third bottle. He sure can drink. Does he not get drunk…? Since he’s big, maybe the alcohol spreads slower. After glancing at him repeatedly, I eventually couldn’t stand the silence and spoke first.

“Song Hyun-ho-ssi, do you ever regret the choices you’ve made?”

“…I do. More than you’d think.”

I quite liked the clean answer, devoid of trivial emotions. Perhaps that’s why I impulsively asked again, as if shouting ‘the king has donkey ears’ in a bamboo forest.

“Then… what do you do when you feel like you’ve lived your life wrong?”

“Are you talking about yourself?”

“…Ah, no… it’s not that….”

I felt guilty under his gaze, which seemed to pierce right through me. I hate that ‘I know everything’ expression. But I couldn’t push him away. I lifted the glass in front of me, downed it in one gulp, and nodded with resignation.

“Actually, yes, I am.”

When I confessed, he smiled as if I had done the right thing. The man, whose hands were so large that the beer bottle looked like a miniature, rolled the bottle in his hand and asked a surprise question.

“What do you think of me, Seo Joo-won-ssi?”

That’s cheating. Since when do you answer a question with another question? Even though I looked at him that way, he merely tilted his head nonchalantly. Damn it. Since my brain wasn’t rotating well enough to come up with a smooth answer, I decided to be honest.

“You’re a good person. Reliable….”

He has a bit of a crazy side, but that’s very acceptable.

“Joo-won-ssi. Do you remember when I asked you to be my Guide?”

Was that during the aptitude evaluation? I nodded my head with a somewhat slow reaction.

“That’s a relief. Because my feelings haven’t changed.”

“…I-I see….”

I didn’t know how to react to this sudden topic. I’m grateful for the words, but why bring this up now….

“The Seo Joo-won-ssi I’ve seen is not only excellent at his work but also a righteous and determined person. That is also the reason why I requested you to be my Guide. I don’t know what it is that’s making you heartbroken, but I imagine it’s because you tried your best. It’s better to self-reproach as little as possible.”

I let out a short laugh while tracing the rim of my glass. Such a sincere answer. It’s textbook, but not bad. I knew he was a good person.

However, Song Hyun-ho wasn’t finished.

“Of course, effort and achievement are separate things, so there will be times when frustration hits. When you feel so pathetic, like everything is your fault… cliché words aren’t of much help in regrettable situations. If you stay trapped in your own perspective, it becomes harder to unauthorized copy[visit our site]escape. So, do this. If you’re suffering because you keep doubting yourself, try entrusting your ego to someone else for a while. For example, try trusting the judgment of the Song Hyun-ho you believe in. Wouldn’t that be a bit of a comfort?”

My fingers, which had been circling aimlessly, stopped abruptly.

Fearing that he would read the emotions leaking out if we made eye contact, I hurriedly dropped my gaze to the cup. I stirred the muddler vigorously for no reason and replied in a grumpy voice, still avoiding him.

“Tsk. You’re way too kind. You know that’s a crime, right?”

Song Hyun-ho burst into a hearty laugh.

“Haha. Is that so? I’ve always been this way.”

I wondered how he managed to date, but his silver tongue is incredible. To be honest, my heart actually fluttered a little just now. Now that I look at him, he’s not a beastly man, but a completely fatal one.

I was grateful, but saying ‘thank you’ immediately felt somehow embarrassing.

“But I’m not actually that good of a person….”

“Neither am I.”

…Huh?

When I looked up, Song Hyun-ho was tilting his head back, finishing his fourth beer. He shrugged as if to say the beer here was delicious and immediately ordered the next bottle. Watching him, I couldn’t help but chuckle.

I had no choice but to admit that this man was cool.