LMI 94

Haa, haa.

Koi returned to the Motorhome, completely out of breath. He had lingered for far too long, repeating the kiss over and over because he didn’t want to leave.

Putting it off until the very last moment, he finally managed to drag his feet away, and Ashley had finally made the decision. His Father would find out if they kept this up. Someday he would tell him himself, but not now.

“Koi, I’ll walk you home.”

Koi was horrified by Ashley’s words as he stepped away from the car and strode towards him, shaking his head.

“N-no, I’ll go alone, I can go alone!”

“I don’t want to say goodbye,” Ashley admitted honestly. He wanted to walk with Koi to his doorstep, to delay the moment of parting. Of course, Koi felt the same way, but reality wasn’t so sweet.

“I’m ashamed,” Koi confessed with difficulty.

“My house is really poor. I don’t want you to see it.”

Having finally confessed, Koi made up his mind and looked up at him.

“I’ll go alone. I really will this time.”

Koi desperately suppressed the urge to throw himself at Ashley again and turned away abruptly. This time, he didn’t look back, running as fast as he could.

When he finally made it home, he was relieved to find that his Father hadn’t arrived yet.

He entered the darkened Motorhome and hurried to the shower. In the tiny shower stall, barely big enough for one person, he stood under the pouring water, took off his clothes, and started washing them. He lathered soap on his hands and scrubbed the shirt, then washed his pants and underwear in the same way before finally washing himself.

Even though he had showered at school, he soaped his entire body twice and washed his hair again.

Just as he turned off the water, he heard the sound of the door opening, followed by footsteps. His Father had returned.

Koi held his breath and stood still, listening intently. If his Father was drunk, it was best not to show himself.

He belatedly realized that he had rushed in so quickly that he hadn’t brought a towel or a change of clothes.

He looked around in a panic, but then he heard footsteps outside, stopping nearby. Koi strained his ears, holding still and listening for any sound.

He forgot to breathe. His heart was pounding wildly. Fear froze his entire body. At that moment, Koi closed his eyes tightly and called out Ashley’s name from the depths of his heart.

Help me, Ash.

“…Ahem.”

Just as he was repeating the name in his mind, he heard his Father clear his throat outside the thin shower door. Koi jumped in surprise and froze again. After a moment, his Father spoke.

“Koi, are you showering?”

Hearing his Father’s voice, Koi paused. He was stunned by the unexpected situation. His Father waited for his reply, then called him again.

“Koi?”

“Y-yes, yes, I am.”

Stammering in confusion, he replied hastily, clutching the roughly washed clothes to his chest, and opened the shower door.

His Father was standing a short distance from the door, waiting for Koi. He frowned when he saw Koi soaking wet.

“Are you okay, Koi?”

“Y-yes.”

Koi gave the same answer again, then quickly added, “I-I’m fine. T-take a shower, I’m done…”

He hurried past him, grabbed a towel from the drawer, and quickly rubbed himself dry. Feeling a chill, he hastily put on an old shirt and shorts that he wore to bed.

Then he took the wet clothes and went outside. Only after hanging the clothes on the makeshift clothesline did he finally feel a little more composed.

I don’t think he’s been drinking…

Koi hesitated, then looked back at the Motorhome he had just left. Inside the house, where the dim light flickered, he could see his Father’s shadow moving.

He swallowed hard, but he had no other choice. He reluctantly moved his feet and headed inside.

In the dim light, he could see his Father standing there for a while, then heading towards the shower.

Now’s my chance.

Koi hurried into the Motorhome and went straight to his bed, pulling the blanket over his head. His heart continued to pound.

The sound of water from the shower was deafening.

His Father didn’t take long to come out. He paused when he saw Koi huddled on the bed, but didn’t say anything.

He just stood there silently, watching. Koi felt uneasy again at the ominous silence.

…Haa.

Suddenly, he heard his Father sigh.

Then he heard footsteps, followed by a clinking sound.

He had thought his Father wasn’t drinking tonight, but it seemed he was reaching for a bottle as soon as he got home.

But that didn’t last long either. His Father, who was always drunk and passed out, got up after drinking only two glasses of liquor.

Only after he went to his bed and lay down did Koi finally relax.

“Are you okay, Koi?”

His Father’s voice echoed in his mind. It was so strange that he would ask him such a question.

To him, Koi was like air. He was the same as being invisible, and the only times he ever interacted with Koi were when he was drunk and violent.

So Koi always tried not to be noticed and lived as if he didn’t exist. He only wanted one thing.

To grow up and become independent. College was one of the ways he could become independent. If he got good grades, he could get scholarships and other benefits.

If he got good grades, that is.

The memory of his disastrous college entrance exam made him sigh softly. It’s okay, I can take it again. I’ve been saving money, haven’t I?

Of course, all that money was for his independence fund. It wasn’t nearly enough for college tuition, but it would be enough to pay the rent on a dilapidated house. Or he could buy a car. Even an old, beat-up car would allow him to live in it and commute to work.

Then I’ll never have to see Father again.

He wouldn’t have to go to sleep in fear like this much longer. He closed his eyes tightly and tried to fall asleep. But as soon as he closed his eyes, his thoughts drifted elsewhere.

I called Ash’s name.

His heart began to beat cautiously.

Recalling the name he had unconsciously called out in fear in the shower, his chest fluttered and he felt breathless.

There used to be no one to call in times like these.

Remembering the past, when he could only helplessly wait for his Father’s beatings to end, this situation felt like a dream. Now I have someone I can call.

Ash, Ash, Ash.

The more he repeated the name, the faster his heart beat and the more he wanted to see him.

It hasn’t even been that long since we said goodbye, but I already miss him this much.

Is this why people who are in love live together?

Koi felt his face flush and curled up into a ball. He felt as if his entire body was vibrating with the sound of his pulse.

When I graduate, will I be able to live with Ash?

*

I have to get married.

Standing under the pouring water, Ashley was lost in thought with a serious expression.

After sending Koi away, he had come home alone and gone straight to the shower, but he couldn’t stop thinking about one thing.

I should propose to Koi. That’s the only way we can be together without breaking up.

It was also the only way he could protect Koi. If they got married, he wouldn’t have to worry about whether or not to confine Koi. The meaning of a wedding ring is, after all, to bind.

Koi will be completely mine.

The thought alone made him feel good. He also liked the fact that he would be legally rescuing Koi from such a dangerous environment, but most of all, he liked the fact that they would no longer have to part.

We’ll be together from morning till night.Thinking that way sent a jolt of pleasure through his mind, so intense it felt almost like an electric shock.

Ashley closed his eyes, letting the water cascade over him, unable to suppress the smile that stretched his lips wide.

What a perfect institution marriage was.

He thoroughly approved of this human invention. And since he was human himself, he intended to make full use of it.

Before he knew it, Ashley was drifting off to sleep, his mind flitting between wedding ring designs and honeymoon destinations, eventually settling on a vision of their twilight years in a quaint two-story house in the countryside, each with a dog and a cat.

*

“Hmm hmm hmm, hmm hmm hmm hmm.”

Koi woke up humming, nodding his head to the tune as he got ready for school.

He was discovering for the first time that mornings could be this exciting and pleasant. Every mundane task, from washing his face to getting dressed and packing his bag, filled him with a giddy joy.

His steps were light, and he couldn’t stop smiling.

He checked his reflection in the mirror. His cheeks were flushed, making him blush with embarrassment, but he didn’t dislike it. He hurried to leave the house, but suddenly, Father called out to him from behind.

“Koi.”

In an instant, all the happiness he’d felt vanished. Koi realized something he’d forgotten: Father was still asleep in bed.

He froze, then hesitated before slowly turning around. Father, half-sitting up, was looking at him. A suffocating silence descended.