127 – VCR

In the end, it was because of what I had said. In truth, it was also an excuse because I didn’t want to receive the flowers Joo Min-hyeok had sent. Of course, it was true that I had been hit with roses by my grandfather.

It happened shortly after I woke up in this place. Saying that I was being foolish by acting so passively, my grandfather plucked roses from the garden of the Grand Imperial Concubine’s Imperial Pavilion and struck me across the face with them. I vividly remember the shock and sorrow of having my face and forehead scratched by the thorns. Because of that incident, I disliked roses, though not to the point of utter loathing. I had simply let my tongue run wild in front of Joo Min-hyeok.

“I said something I shouldn’t have…”

I heard that immediately after I disappeared, Joo Min-hyeok became so sharp-edged that even the Queen Dowager couldn’t approach him. My heart ached to hear that he had wiped away everything—the smiles he wore out of courtesy and even his fake, gentle way of speaking.

“It wasn’t because of you; he regretted his own actions. He often used the word ‘if,’ wondering if things would have been okay if he had done this or that; he was always regretting. He was sensitive because he couldn’t sleep. Of course, he never let it show in official settings.”

And apparently, on days when that stress exploded, he would invariably visit my grandfather to carry out secret retaliations. I don’t know what kind of eccentricity this was. Once again, I had said something unnecessary and piled up hatred in Joo Min-hyeok’s heart. I even ended up with wounds on my hands that didn’t need to be there.

“I thought he would shake it all off and live well. Since he succeeded in the revenge he had dreamed of for so long. I thought he would naturally forget about me, since we lived as a couple for a few months.”

“He couldn’t do that. Even I, watching from the side, was inwardly surprised.”

Hearing Hyun-wook’s story, I couldn’t hide how unsettled and complicated my feelings were. Joo Min-hyeok was bound to the past, continuing to cling to my grandfather and unable to discard his feelings of hatred. Perhaps it was because of me, who fled amidst misunderstandings; once he had finished the purge he so desired, he should have shaken it off and lived his life, but it seemed he couldn’t.

By now, there had been more than enough time to cast aside those old emotions and conduct politics according to his own will. I believed he would do so. Yet, Joo Min-hyeok had not moved forward at all; he was tied to that time. Just like me, who couldn’t escape the pain and hatred of the past. Knowing that left my heart complicated and the shock was great.

Come to think of it, I wonder if I was the one who changed Joo Min-hyeok’s life. Because I came here, I changed all [stolen contentvisit our sitestyle="font-size:0;position:absolute;left:-9999px;">]his loves and plans, and that’s how things turned out. If Hee-sung had lived by Joo Min-hyeok’s side at the Movie Palace helping him as originally intended, he would have lived out his own will long ago.

I, who was busy reading the room just to avoid dying at the Emperor’s hand, gave him my whole heart. Because it was my first love, the wounds from his actions were deeper. I know that at the time, Joo Min-hyeok was obsessed with me and cherished me. However, it seems he couldn’t completely separate me from my grandfather, who had been his enemy for a long time.

I was simply hurt that he didn’t trust me and never told me any of his plans. In the process of executing the plan to bring down my grandfather, we eventually drifted apart. Because he believed his decision was right, he kept everything silent. Since it was a matter of striking down my family, he likely thought there was nothing for me to gain by knowing. I can understand that much, but being used by him in the process of carrying out those plans was too great a wound.

Regardless of the reason, at the time, I was thoroughly deceived by Joo Min-hyeok and felt as though everything had been toyed with. I cannot express how miserable I was, with the sense of betrayal compounded by shame. Then, did Joo Min-hyeok spend all that time in peace? Looking at it now, it seems that wasn’t the case either.

Perhaps he, too, spent a painful and agonizing time just as I did. However, back then, I had no room in my heart to see anyone else’s emotions. I was too busy tending to my own body. Thinking about it now, I think Joo Min-hyeok didn’t know how to comfort my heart.

“Back then, everything about His Majesty felt like a facade, so I couldn’t trust him… Now I wonder if he just didn’t know how to communicate.”

“He’s a man who made a habit of deciding everything on his own.”

He probably didn’t know how to communicate or share his heart. Not knowing the way, Joo Min-hyeok’s obsession with me was severe. Because of our clumsy formation of a relationship, we hurt each other and suffered in silence.

Even during the time I was gone, he tried to hold me in his hand in his own way. It was natural to feel a sense of rebellion against such unconventional behavior. Yet, ironically, at the end of all this lay Joo Min-hyeok’s sincerity. His clumsy sincerity was too heavy, and I wanted to deny it.

Furthermore, since he still hasn’t escaped the past he so desperately wanted to leave behind, I don’t know what to do about this. Suddenly, I wondered what state of mind he had been in while staying in the palace I left. With what heart and how did Joo Min-hyeok endure?

Thinking about it, Joo Min-hyeok was always alone. He spent five years alone in the prison called the past. I thought I was the only one who couldn’t escape that tedious past…

“…My head hurts.”

“Did I say something I shouldn’t have?”

“Thinking about it now, from His Majesty’s perspective, a variable like me must have been quite a burden. He had planned his revenge for a long time, and I was merely the family of the target of that revenge. Since his emotions suddenly changed, he must have been flustered. Removing me from the plan must have been a significant decision in its own right.”

I still don’t know everything, but at the time, I couldn’t consider it further. I didn’t have the mental capacity, and besides, Joo Min-hyeok hadn’t done anything right. Back then, a great sense of betrayal kept causing feelings of resentment to surge up. I had to release those emotions, and I needed a target to vent on. That target was, naturally, Joo Min-hyeok.

“Before, the problem was that he hid everything too tightly, but now the problem is that he approaches me too boldly. I don’t know my own heart, and I don’t know what the right decision is.”

“If this incident was the catalyst, think carefully and follow your heart. Don’t avoid it or deny it too much.”

In a situation where I knew nothing, I could be certain of one thing. I wanted to help Joo Min-hyeok shake off my grandfather from his life. Regardless of what happened between Joo Min-hyeok and me, regardless of our relationship, I wanted to help him escape this past. I have to make him stop clinging to the past now.

∗   ∗   ∗

After returning home, my family protected me not just devotedly, but excessively. My father, who touched various parts of my face to confirm I was alright, held me for a long time and shed tears. He said he felt a great fear that he might lose me again, having barely reunited with the child he had kept in his heart for a lifetime.

Of course, I was scolded for my reckless action of rushing into a rescue without a single piece of safety equipment. But I wasn’t resentful in the slightest. Rather, I only felt sorry for giving my father such fear.

From the day I returned, Seo-joo didn’t leave my side for a single moment. Leaving behind his beloved Hyun-wook, he stayed by my side when I slept, when I ate, and when I rested. He didn’t express other emotions in words, but I could tell from Seo-joo’s expression and behavior the fear he felt regarding my absence.

And Han-bin hyung didn’t say anything else. He simply hugged me quietly.

“Don’t move around so much and just rest for a while. Oh, you met Grandma Jin-su and Jin-su, right? Grandma came by several times. She couldn’t sleep. When she heard the news that you were safely rescued, she collapsed in her seat.”

Grandmother, her heart is soft, contrary to her harsh way of speaking. I recall her shocked face when I fell into the sea.

“I met them earlier. I told her I was okay. Grandma was one thing, but Jin-su felt so sorry. Seeing as he came all the way here shortly after the semester started, he must have been very shocked.”

“Of course he was. After hearing the news, he rushed here and just stared at the sea. Contact him separately later.”

“Yeah. I plan to. But hyung.”

“Yeah?”

“Isn’t there anything you want to ask me?”

While it was a relief that hyung seemed no different than usual, I became conscious of my actions as Hyun-wook’s words came to mind. My family had lost sleep worrying about me from the moment I fell into the sea, yet I had spent the night doing other things with Joo Min-hyeok. I couldn’t help but feel a prick of conscience.

I heard that hyung had been guarding the hospital… But even at my question, hyung said nothing and only stroked my hair. His calm demeanor made me feel even more sorry.

“You don’t need to make a confession to me. You’ve returned alive, so what else is there to be curious about? If there’s something you want to say later, tell me comfortably then.”

“…Later?”

“Yes. When you want to tell me. I told you I’m always on your side, no matter what choice you make. For now, recover your body first.”

As expected, hyung definitely knew everything. Even if not everything, he seemed to have a rough guess of the situation. To avoid burdening my heart, which could have been embarrassed, he only said comfortable and warm words. As expected, it would be best to confess once the results come out.

∗   ∗   ∗

Today, without fail, I ignored Joo Min-hyeok’s ringing phone and rushed into the bathroom. Answering the phone isn’t what’s important right now. This is the time when the test results come out most accurately, so I couldn’t miss it. So, let’s talk on the phone later.

Today is the fifteenth day since I had knotting with Joo Min-hyeok. Since they said results come out at least ten days after the last encounter, it should be okay to do it now. I feel like I’m rushing too much, but I was that desperate. I didn’t have the luxury to wait any longer to see what was happening inside my womb.

After completing the self-test a moment later, I calmed my trembling heart and slowly checked the results.