By Zephyria 
Whether he was angry at my reluctance to deal with him or simply fed up with my long-standing demands for divorce, an answer came from Joo Min-hyeok’s mouth that made me doubt my own ears. What? Until when? Moreover, Joo Min-hyeok currently wore a very exhausted expression—one that made it seem as if he were the victim.
It wasn’t as if I was asking him to soothe me until my heart felt better. I simply wanted us to be apart now. My desire for a divorce was firm, and the depth of my feelings was far greater than any lingering trust I once had in him. So, even though I wasn’t in a position to expect comfort from him, Joo Min-hyeok’s attitude and tone of voice grated on my nerves intensely.
“Until when? Did you just ask how much longer I’m going to be like this? In Your Majesty’s eyes, did this look like I was just throwing a tantrum all this time? This?”
“I never saw it that way, so stop jumping to conclusions again. Whether it’s a tantrum or whatever, you just won’t budge. What do you want me to do? Hmm? If you had considered my position even slightly, you wouldn’t be acting like this.”
“Wha—what did you say?”
“Do you know what I did? I suppressed a rebellion. Do you have any idea how I lived for years, for months, trying to catch those crazy brats who planned to kill me and shake my foundation—and there were more than just one or two of them? At the center of that rebellion was the Prime Minister of this country, a member of your own family! Do you not understand a single thing about what I did to keep you from getting swept up in it, to keep you from being killed? I told you it wasn’t intentional! Why on earth can’t you consider my position even a little bit?”
“…Ha.”
With that, I knew. I knew that Joo Min-hyeok and I could no longer share a single moment of time in the same space. Every time I heard him say he did it for my sake, it felt so ridiculous I could go crazy. Oh, so you watched me get beaten and deceived me, all because you cared for me so terribly? You son of a bitch. That wasn’t caring for me; it was deception. Agitated by those nonsensical words, I began to lash out frantically without realizing it.
“…Understand? Consider your position? I’m in this state right now because I spent all my time considering your position! I threw away all my pride just to save you. I begged my grandfather, even while being beaten, just hoping that you were somehow alive! I thought you were dead, and I was beaten until I suffered a miscarriage because I wanted to find your body no matter what—so what the hell are you talking about?”
I had barely survived, only to face death again. Is the minimum sentence for insulting the Emperor death? Even if it comes to that, I have no regrets about what I’m saying now. If I kept this inside without speaking it, I feel like the sickness would only grow deeper.
Knowing full well that there were many eyes watching, I screamed frantically at Joo Min-hyeok, calling him “you” and “thou,” like someone who wanted to die right then and there.
The atmosphere turned ice-cold at such an act of insubordination, and those waiting at a distance were struck dumb with shock. And my brother and Hyun-wook were likely no different. Since they were that surprised, I didn’t even need to see my brother’s face standing behind them to know his expression. He must have turned pale.
Joo Min-hyeok’s expression, as he looked at me with his mouth slightly agape at the words I had poured out, was not much different. However, I had neither the intention nor the heart to clean up the mess I had just made, nor did I wish to face Joo Min-hyeok any longer. So, with those words as my end, I turned toward my brother. As soon as I turned, Joo Min-hyeok’s gloomy voice reached me from behind.
“If you felt deceived because I didn’t tell you anything about the matter, then I’m sorry. I truly thought it was for your own good. Since your family was at the forefront, I thought things would get complicated if you knew… that it would be better for you to remain ignorant.”
This was the problem I had always felt with Joo Min-hyeok. He always thinks, judges, and concludes on his own. While most of his conclusions aren’t bad, there were many times I felt he was far too overbearing. This situation, too, was brought about by that personality of his. The part where he judged everything alone and proceeded alone. There was no need to explain state secrets to me, but at the very least, it was right to inform me of things related to me and have a conversation.
“It wasn’t a matter where having many people know would be beneficial, so I proceeded as secretly as possible. If the other side had learned of our plan, forget about death—it would have been war. A civil war would have broken out.”
“…….”
“It’s also true that I kept my mouth shut because it would be easier for us to move if you, knowing nothing, persuaded the Prime Minister and clung to him to divert his attention. The more desperate you appeared, the more the Prime Minister would feel secure and let his guard down. That’s why I said nothing. I admit it.”
As the truth—which I both wanted and didn’t want to hear—came from Joo Min-hyeok’s mouth, I lost the strength to even respond.
“I thought that as long as I protected the throne of the Emperor, you would be happy. I believed you surely would be. I thought that regardless of the process, it had nothing to do with you. Seeing how you usually treated me, I thought you would unconditionally understand.”
“I’m human too, how could I understand all of that! You saw it all. You saw me being beaten to death; you saw it all. How can I trust a person for the rest of my life who just watched that? Even in the moments I was being beaten, you were a person who only cared about the Prime Minister’s confession….”
“That’s—”
“If you truly thought of me, you would have come to me regardless of where you were or what the circumstances were. You would have done that if you had thought of me as the priority. But I wasn’t the first priority to you, and I probably won’t be the first priority in the future, either.”
“That’s a different issue. The issue of you and the issue of the state are not comparable. They are problems of entirely different natures. It’s a part where you can’t simply compare the two and determine first or second.”
Joo Min-hyeok continued to try and persuade me, his voice strained as if he found me frustrating. I didn’t care if he called my words stubborn or called me selfish. To Emperor Joo Min-hyeok, the country naturally came first. If he hadn’t suppressed the rebellion at the time, this place would have become a war zone.
Thinking rationally about reality, it’s only natural that I would be second. But I am not rational. My emotions do not allow it. It feels heartbreakingly sorrowful and disappointing. If I were Joo Min-hyeok, I would have put the work aside for a moment and rushed out.
“I don’t know Your Majesty’s sincerity. You say you’re doing it for me, yet you used me, and while suggesting we have a baby, you fed me contraceptives. For a long time, at that.”
At the mention of the contraceptives, Joo Min-hyeok’s body flinched. It was a topic we had both intentionally avoided. I avoided this conversation because of the thought of the baby, and Joo Min-hyeok probably avoided it because of his conscience.
“My poor baby, who was conceived with difficulty despite the contraceptives Your Majesty fed me. Not a single person acknowledged its existence, and it passed away after being swept up in those affairs, but perhaps because it was a baby you didn’t want, you have no interest and don’t even ask. Even if I had a miscarriage, still.”
“It’s not like that. To say I have no interest…. That’s not true.”
“It’s always ‘it’s not like that,’ ‘that’s not it’ in words. I’m sick of it.”
“…Cha Hae-joo.”
I know better than anyone that a large part of the responsibility for my baby’s death lies with me for not noticing the child’s signals. However, no one can deny that Joo Min-hyeok was decisively at the center of the reason for the miscarriage. He cannot escape responsibility either.
“I’m sorry for not being able to consider your feelings. So, next time, please find a mate who considers your mood well and understands you. Because I don’t think that person is me.”
I declared the end of our relationship. While I understand the choices of Emperor Joo Min-hyeok, I cannot understand the choices of my husband, Joo Min-hyeok. Perhaps this is also my contradiction. I know it’s a contradiction, but I don’t want to deny these feelings of sorrow and disappointment. My feelings, that I can no longer rely on him, will not change.
∗ ∗ ∗
In the end, we only confirmed the solidity of our differing positions. The end of the conversation that made me realize ‘this guy is crazy’ was depression. Now, having come to meet my father, I had a miserable face again due to extreme depression. Hyun-wook and my brother were naturally walking on eggshells around me, making the atmosphere even more gloomy.
“…I’m sorry, Brother. I made the situation awkward again. I should have endured it. I hope the fallout doesn’t hit you.”
“Hae-joo. Actually, I….”
“Yeah?”
My brother looked at me with a troubled expression, his lips fluttering as if he were about to say something. What is it? Did something happen again? So many things have been happening lately that I get tense the moment someone hesitates.
“Never mind. Since we’ve come to meet that person for now, let’s just focus on that and talk later. It’s about time he arrives, right? I stalled for time at the palace earlier, so there isn’t much time left. We need to talk quickly.”
My brother’s expression changed strangely for a moment when I referred to my father as ‘that person.’ It was only natural. No matter how much he understood my situation, it couldn’t be a pleasant feeling to hear that his biological younger brother had come to meet his father from a past life. It must be a strange feeling.
Just as I was about to lower my head, feeling depressed by my current situation and sorry toward my brother, my brother’s pupils shook violently. The moment I tried to look back to see what was happening, a strong hand grabbed me, shaking my body.
“Hae-joo!”
And soon, an urgent voice mixed with longing struck my ears.