By Zephyria 
Morning came again. The start of this day is a truly meaningless time for me. It is merely a desperate time where I must endure and hold on for another day. What words will I hear today? What kind of critical articles will I face? Listening to all sorts of speculation about me, I must survive the day once more, closing my eyes and blocking my ears.
What was I looking at before I fell asleep yesterday? It was an article claiming that both my miscarriage and my grandfather’s beatings were all an act, right? The comments from people agreeing and saying that might be the case shook my mental state. I shouldn’t have looked at the comments… Even if the beatings from my grandfather were a given, to say the miscarriage was an act. It is a continuous series of moments where I feel poignantly what it means when people say words can kill.
Someone says that my behavior is too light for someone who had a miscarriage… There are many who say that the period I took to compose my wounded heart and even my shocked emotions seem too superficial. And then, there were words I heard, disguised as comfort.
Absurd words suggesting that it’s actually a relief that I lost the child while it was still an embryo, too small to even be called a fetus. Since I hadn’t even seen it with my own eyes, they wondered what kind of attachment I could have, and they showered me with “comfort” that wasn’t comfort at all, telling me to just focus on recovering my body from the injuries.
Exactly how am I supposed to look “heavy”? I don’t know who thinks they know my condition better than I do, to the point of denying my mental state and emotions. When I lie there blankly, I hear these whispers in my ear.
‘I let you know, so how can you be so indifferent? Why did you give up on me without caring even once? How could you not even imagine my existence once?’
It’s most likely a hallucination created by my guilt, but whatever the reality of the whispers is, I will probably live in pain, plagued by guilt for the rest of my life. Perhaps it has already begun. Lately, I have nightmares every single day.
I am being relentlessly beaten by my grandfather, and Joo Min-hyeok is watching and laughing. I repeatedly dream of blood flowing down my legs, overflowing past my ankles and reaching my waist, while Joo Min-hyeok just stands there laughing. In the dream, I just keep crying, feeling so heartbroken and sorrowful.
If I struggle not to have that dream and don’t fall asleep, I hear hallucinations calling me irresponsible. Isn’t this the perfect state to go crazy? And they call me light? Say I’m too unfazed? This? People who don’t even know me—what on earth do they want me to do? I just wanted to be shoved away somewhere where no one is and where no one can see me.
“I’m sick of everything…”
“Hae-joo. I’m here. Can I come in?”
As the bedroom door opened slightly, I heard a voice calling me cautiously and turned my head. Hyun-wook entered the room, scanning the surroundings. From those cautious movements, I knew Hyun-wook had come to tell me something serious. Seeing Hyun-wook approach hurriedly, I pushed myself up. Hyun-wook frowned upon seeing my condition, then asked in a quiet but rapid tone, as if anxious.
“Today is the day you go to the hospital for your check-up, right?”
“Yeah. Why? Did something happen?”
Seeing Hyun-wook’s obviously strange behavior, I asked cautiously. Did something happen again? Approaching closely, Hyun-wook whispered in my ear.
“About your father. He said he’d come by briefly today to match the time you go to the hospital. Can you leave about thirty minutes early?”
“Dad?”
Currently, the only person Hyun-wook would refer to as “father” (ajusshi) is my dad. He mentioned before that he would look for an opportunity to match my hospital schedule, and it seems he’s coming to see me today. Overjoyed, I moved my body with difficulty.
“Calm down and move slowly. Your body is in bad shape. He’ll be shocked when he sees you. It’s a relief we can leave early, but let’s eat something first and then get ready. You look like you have no energy.”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll eat.”
At the news that I could meet my father, energy I didn’t have suddenly surged. I felt as if moisture was filling my parched, hardened heart. When I showed the will to eat while smiling brightly for the first time in a long while, Hyun-wook also gave me a bright smile.
“He said he’ll be in Korea for a while. To keep an eye on you secretly. And he knows your current situation. He was very distressed…”
I paused for a moment at the mention that he knew my situation. To think he knows about this shameful situation… Since it’s being headlined for the whole world to know, it would be stranger if he didn’t, but still, I wished he hadn’t. A wave of worry rushed over me, fearing that my father would think of me strangely or feel a distance because I’m different from before.
Right now, I was different from the me my father knew. To anyone, I was an Omega, and I had even become pregnant and then miscarried. What if my father couldn’t fully accept me and found me bizarre? I suddenly became afraid. As my complexion changed instantly, Hyun-wook, seeing through me, calmed me down.
“Your father is an Alpha too. He’s lived here for several years; do you think he wouldn’t understand? He’s already fully adapted, and he doesn’t care whether you’re an Omega or whatever. You’re just his son. Let’s not worry unnecessarily. It’s truly a miracle that we can meet like this, right?”
Having gone through a major ordeal recently, I’ve developed a habit of worrying and fretting over small things. I was already the type to think a lot and be cautious, but now I’ve developed a sickness of worrying too much, to the point of becoming timid. Hyun-wook is right. Worrying uselessly won’t change my situation.
“You’re right. Rather, if Dad knows everything, it’s more comfortable because I don’t have to explain anything separately. It might actually be better for me.”
“Right. Let’s think of it that way. Shall we get up quickly, eat, and get ready?”
“Yeah. Thank you, Hyun-wook. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to endure a single moment. It’s terrifying just thinking about it.”
Yes. That really is terrifying just to imagine. If Hyun-wook hadn’t been here, I wouldn’t have survived. As I shuddered and recoiled as if the mere thought was horrific, Hyun-wook supported me and wrapped his arm tightly around my shoulder.
∗ ∗ ∗
Phew, thinking about going outside for the first time in a while makes me so nervous. What if I run into people? I’m scared. Suddenly, the critical comments and reactions directed at me came to mind, and I began to fear going outside. If I want to divorce Joo Min-hyeok and live on my own, I have to overcome this fear…
The moment I stepped outside the Imperial Pavilion, I felt a dizzying spell. My breath grew short and my head felt blank. I felt as if I had been stripped naked and thrown outside. I wanted to hide, but the surroundings were completely open, and I couldn’t find a place to hide.
“Palace Lord user. I will go ahead. We’ve agreed to meet the Brigadier General in the car. It will be much more comfortable if you go together.”
Hyun-wook, who had been following me quietly from behind, stepped in front of me. Before I could even answer, my field of vision was filled with Hyun-wook’s broad back, and I couldn’t see anything else. It was like trying to cover the sky with a palm, but it was something. Still, it was okay.
Only now did I feel like my appearance was hidden, and my hands, which had been curling from tension, relaxed, and the cold sweat stopped. So, I walked slowly to the car, matching Hyun-wook’s pace. All I could see and hear were the cold earth and the sound of footsteps. It was just as my mind had become a bit more at ease.
“Grand Imperial Concubine? Where are you going right now?”
A voice colder than the winter wind pierced my ears. It was the voice I wanted to avoid and escape from more than anything. I didn’t react to that voice and didn’t lift my lowered head. I could hear quite a few footsteps. It seemed Joo Min-hyeok was moving to another Imperial Pavilion with his people. The accompanying footsteps decreased, and soon I felt only one person’s rapid stride.
“I asked where you’re going, where are you going right now!”
The shouting voice was laced with anxiety and urgency. Who is the fool who doesn’t even know the day I go to the hospital and is just flailing? As Joo Min-hyeok approached with a sharp edge, Hyun-wook attempted to move away from me. However, I moved along with the direction Hyun-wook moved.
“…What are you doing.”
“Palace Lord user. Just a moment…”
The bewildered voices of Joo Min-hyeok and Hyun-wook were heard simultaneously. Both seemed flustered to see me not letting go of Hyun-wook’s back. Between Joo Min-hyeok trying to see me, Hyun-wook trying to show me to him, and me desperately hiding my body behind Hyun-wook’s back, our scuffle continued for a while.
“Just answer where you’re going. Cha Hae-joo, personally.”
“He is going to the hospital. Your Majesty, today is the day the Palace Lord user has a check-up.”
An answer came from an unexpected place to Joo Min-hyeok’s question. I could hear the uneven breathing clearly. Han-bin hyung? The hyung I was supposed to meet in the car had rushed over and answered Joo Min-hyeok’s question. Joo Min-hyeok sighed as if uncomfortable that the desired answer didn’t come from me, but he didn’t say anything to hyung.
Hyung approached, breathing heavily, carefully took my arm, and pushed Hyun-wook back. Patting my back a few times as if to soothe me, hyung whispered to me.
“Stop. You mustn’t make His Majesty look more ridiculous here. There are too many eyes watching. Stop it. Guard Kang Hyun-wook and I will step back over there.”
It was a soft but firm warning. I sighed and lifted my head. Then, my eyes met Joo Min-hyeok’s, who was staring intently at me. Without saying anything else, he was busy scanning every inch of my body and face.
Why does he feel so unfamiliar? It feels like it’s been a very long time since I looked at him so directly. Did this person always look like this? Joo Min-hyeok felt strange. I felt a greater sense of distance than the unfamiliarity I had felt when I first arrived here.
And over there, I saw a group of people watching this scene. Among those looking on with troubled expressions, Lee Si-yoon stood out the most. His expression was cold and full of anxiety. He is certainly aiming for the spot beside Joo Min-hyeok. Unfortunately, that won’t be enough…
“Why don’t I know about the hospital visit?”
“…I don’t know. Maybe because you have no interest in me?”
“Stop talking nonsense. How long are you going to be like this?”
“…What? How long?”
Joo Min-hyeok expressed his dissatisfaction openly in a voice that sounded exhausted, and I looked straight up at him, appalled by his attitude.