By Zephyria 
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After circling back to his initial thoughts a few times, Cha Se-jin glanced at Eun-won, who had gone quiet, and then fully turned his gaze to take in the sleeping man. Eun-won was asleep with his head tilted slightly forward.
“Sleepy? It is a bit boring.”
There was no answer. Confirming that Eun-won was fast asleep, Cha Se-jin picked up the remote and paused the playback. As the screams of people and the howls of zombies vanished, the living room became eerily quiet. Cha Se-jin set the remote down silently, looked at the juice for a moment, and then shifted his gaze back to the sleeping Eun-won.
…Why is he sleeping alone like that? Normally, he would have leaned on me. If he were closer, I would’ve known he was sleepy and lent him my shoulder. Or I could have held him, or he could have slept with his head on my lap. Then he wouldn’t have to sleep in such an uncomfortable position.
It was strange. He was definitely the Eun-won he knew—the Eun-won who smelled of milky sugar when he fell asleep—but something was different.
Looking at the awkward gap between himself and Eun-won, Cha Se-jin sat back, leaning his waist against the opposite armrest of the sofa. He could easily reach out and touch him, and he could act as he used to, but the fact that Eun-won had slipped away from his grasp kept weighing on his mind, leaving his thoughts cluttered.
“…….”
As he stared silently at the sleeping Eun-won, Cha Se-jin suddenly recalled that night last week when they had talked for a long time.
He had heard Eun-won’s feelings, and he had replied that he would think about it. On the night Eun-won told him he loved him. On the night Eun-won said he wanted to be with him for a long time, that he liked things as they were now and it made him think about what comes after. That was the only answer he had given. But he still hadn’t provided a final response.
It wasn’t that he hadn’t been thinking about it. He had been thinking—really, constantly thinking. While going to work, during meetings, at appointments, while showering, and before falling asleep; he did it every chance he got. But in the end, his thoughts always circled back to the starting point: that he liked things as they were now.
But right now, it didn’t feel very good. Because it felt like Eun-won was avoiding him, sitting with a distance between them. Sleeping uncomfortably far away without leaning on him.
Then, is “now” not actually good? Where does “now” end? Should these fluctuating moods be reflected immediately? Or was he talking about an average? What had his criteria been until now?
If he liked “now,” then why did it bother him so much, why did he hate it so much, that Eun-won was sitting just a palm’s width away?
His head began to throb. It was worse because he had never spent so much time engaged in such deep, productive thinking. Cha Se-jin frowned.
Ah, I don’t know, fuck. Is thinking always this fucking hard? What the hell is this, liking “now” but hating “now” at the same time? Does that even make sense?
Shaking his head, Cha Se-jin quietly stood up. Regardless, he didn’t want to leave the sleeping Eun-won to keep sleeping uncomfortably on the sofa.
As he carefully supported Eun-won’s shoulders and the back of his knees to lift him, the sleeping Eun-won leaned his head against Cha Se-jin.
He liked that. He liked it a lot, fucking a lot.
Just the disappearance of that damn palm-sized gap put his mind at ease.
Cha Se-jin headed toward the bedroom while holding the sleeping Eun-won. With every step, Eun-won’s body swayed slightly in his arms. Deep in sleep, Eun-won loosely gripped Cha Se-jin’s shirt with a face that knew nothing. The grip was so weak that “gripping” hardly seemed the right word, but even that was simply pleasant.
No, he wasn’t avoiding me.
He leans on me, and he holds onto me.
The thoughts he’d had in the living room until a moment ago seemed ridiculous. Avoiding him, running away, not drinking the juice. It was all nonsense. Eun-won had said he loved him. With a trembling voice and eyes dripping with affection, he had said he wanted to be together next year, five years from now, and ten years from now.
There was no way such a person would avoid him. He had just been a bit sensitive.
The way Eun-won had suddenly stood up from the sofa must have just been because he was shy. Or maybe he really was thirsty. As for the juice, well, he could have taken a sip in the kitchen and then refilled it. Or maybe he wanted to drink it, but after pouring it and bringing it over, he changed his mind. Who else would understand that if not him, someone who is equally fickle?
Anyway, Eun-won wasn’t avoiding him. He just had to conclude it that way. Looking back, it was all just a silly misunderstanding.
As he laid Eun-won down on the bed, Eun-won let out a small sigh in his sleep. Cha Se-jin, about to cover him with the blanket, paused for a moment looking at that face. Shadows fell beneath his eyelashes, and his lips were slightly closed. The hand that still didn’t let go of the hem of Cha Se-jin’s shirt even after being separated was cute.
So sweet, warm, and soft.
Exhaling a low breath, Cha Se-jin climbed onto the bed and pulled Eun-won toward him. The sleeping Eun-won let out a small moan and burrowed a bit deeper into his embrace. The pheromone scent, like sugar simmered in milk, rose faintly.
Right. No. Avoiding what? Eun-won likes me, so why would he avoid me?
Eun-won’s confession from that day pooled in his mind. Eun-won said he loved him. Beyond liking, he loved him. Eun-won, voicing his love, did not seem weak. He seemed to know exactly what it was. He wasn’t mimicking love as if he didn’t know but pretended to. That was why Cha Se-jin couldn’t give any answer to the love Eun-won conveyed. Because it was a territory he, too, did not know.
Love. A word he knew, but didn’t know how to express.
An emotion he had never felt for another person.
Cha Se-jin silently stroked the hair of the sleeping Eun-won held in his arms. What is love? Is finding someone’s sleeping face cute also called love? Is the act of listening intently because he likes the steady sound of breathing during sleep included in love? The feeling of hating it if he slept in someone else’s arms? Is jealousy also love?
Where does love start and end? What kind of feelings must one have, what kind of actions must one take, for it to be love? What is this that I’m doing now? Is it love? If it’s not love… then with what heart am I doing this? Simply liking him?
Is liking also love? How deep must the feeling of liking become before it can be called love? What does it mean to like someone deeply?
“…….”
Ah, fuck. My head.
Because he kept throwing out questions, it felt like his head was going to explode. Frowning and shaking his head, Cha Se-jin closed his eyes while pressing his lips against the top of Eun-won’s head. His stirred-up heart and mind slowly grew quiet.
For today, he decided to fall asleep with Eun-won just like this. The palm-sized distance had vanished, and Eun-won was back in his arms. In any case, the weekend had become comfortable again.
* * *
Why does Monday have to come? Does it make sense to only get two days off a week? Perhaps because he had rested so well with Eun-won over the weekend, the thought of having to go to work on Monday morning felt even more exhausting. In the past, he might have skipped work occasionally under the guise of working from home, but he couldn’t do that after marrying Eun-won. He had realized that doing so looked irresponsible and not very adult-like.
Having gone to work solely to look good to Eun-won, Cha Se-jin entered a meeting as soon as lunch break ended. And for nearly three long hours, he was plagued by work.
“We’ll stop here for today.”
When the long, long meeting ended and the lights came on, the attending employees all looked at Cha Se-jin’s reaction. Cha Se-jin, stretching his neck slowly, spoke into the microphone on the desk, telling them they could leave. The employees bowed one by one and left the conference room in an orderly fashion.
“Aren’t you leaving?”
“Yeah. I’ll leave in a bit. Woo-jae, you go ahead and take care of your work.”
“Then I’ll go to the office first and organize the documents.”
Cha Se-jin gave a rough nod and, listening to the sound of his secretary leaving, took out his phone to check the time. It was the perfect time to sneak out of the company and pick up Eun-won. Just as he was about to ask if he could pick him up now and if there was anything he wanted to eat, a message from Eun-won caught his eye. It was a message that had arrived in the middle of the meeting.
[Eun-won: A sudden group project meeting came up, so I think I’ll be a bit late today]
After checking the content, Cha Se-jin rested his chin on his hand and let out a sigh. He had been feeling good for a moment at the thought of taking Eun-won to eat something delicious, but suddenly all the energy drained out of him.
It can’t be helped. It’s not something else, he’s late because of a project. This is what happens when you live with a college student husband.
Exhaling a long breath, Cha Se-jin lowered the hand that had been supporting his chin and wrote a reply to Eun-won.
[I’ll pick you up if you’re late]
He sent the reply casually, as if it were only natural, and after waiting a bit, the read receipt appeared, and Eun-won’s reply came back.
[Eun-won: No, it’s okay]
[Eun-won: A classmate who brought their car said they’d give me a ride on the way]
Resting his chin on his hand again, Cha Se-jin stared blankly at the reply Eun-won had sent.
No.
It’s okay.
I’ll go in some other bastard’s car.
He didn’t like any of the three answers. There were times before when Eun-won would say it was okay and that he didn’t need to come because he’d be tired, but after they married, whenever he said he’d pick him up, Eun-won usually nodded with a smile. And when he did pick him up, Eun-won would get in the car with a smile and look at his face the whole way.
“…….”
Suddenly, what bastard brought a car? I don’t think it’s those three Beta brothers… If it were one of those three, he wouldn’t have said “classmate,” he would have used their name… Who is it, what other bastard is offering a ride?
“…Ha…. Fuck.”
He knew this wasn’t something to get this worked up about. It wasn’t as if Eun-won couldn’t get home alone without him, and it was possible for a project meeting to run late, and it wasn’t strange for a friend going in the same direction to give a ride. But even knowing that, he felt terrible.
The fact that Eun-won was riding in someone else’s car was bad, but the worst part was his own situation—having to reply “Okay” despite the fact that he hated it.
[Okay]
[Still, let me know when you leave]
[Eun-won: Yes, I’ll contact you later]
[Eun-won: Please make sure to eat dinner]
No. Since you rejected my date request, I’m not eating. I’m not going to eat and I’ll starve. After writing a few words of a childish response that came to mind and then deleting them, Cha Se-jin simply put down his phone and pressed his palms firmly against his eyes, which felt dry. Just then, the conference room door opened. Wondering who had the audacity to barge in without even knocking, Cha Se-jin snapped his hand down and glared, only to see Cha Se-gyu approaching.
“Oh, Hyung. When did you get here?”
“Just arrived a moment ago.”
Glad to see Cha Se-gyu, who had been on a business trip for five days regarding the resort, Cha Se-jin leaned back deeply into the high-backed chair.
“I went to the office and Secretary Lee said you were here. What are you doing here alone? Doesn’t look like you’re working.”
Instead of answering, Cha Se-jin stared blankly at the phone he had set down, then turned his chair half a circle and looked up at Cha Se-gyu, who had approached and perched on the edge of the desk.
“Eun-won says he’ll be late today because of a project meeting.”
“Really?”
“So I told him I’d pick him up if he was late, but he said no. He said it’s okay.”
“That happens. He’s busy right now. But why are you suddenly telling me this out of nowhere?”
“He said a classmate who brought a car is going in the same direction and offered to drop him off. So he’s taking that.”
Wondering what on earth he was talking about, Cha Se-gyu looked down at Cha Se-jin’s face in silence for a moment and tilted his head. Cha Se-jin had a truly serious expression. He was frowning as if he were reviewing the terms of a multi-billion won contract remaining in the conference room.
Yet, with that face, all he was saying was that Eun-won was late due to a project meeting and had decided to come home in someone else’s car instead of his. It was something neither strange nor serious.
“Isn’t that better? Less hassle for you.”
When he asked, swallowing a scoff, Cha Se-jin’s gaze immediately shot up toward Cha Se-gyu.
“What is?”
“You said you don’t even have to move.”
“Picking him up isn’t a hassle.”
“Is that so?”
“It’s quick by car, it’s not rush hour, how long could it possibly take to go back and forth?”
“Right, I guess so.”
“What ‘I guess so’?”
“Nothing.”
Cha Se-gyu wondered if Se-jin realized what kind of face he was making and what he was saying. Overcome by the urge to record a video and show it to him, Cha Se-gyu slowly shook his head and placed the shopping bag he was holding on the desk.