By Zephyria 
===
At those words, Eun-won’s eyes widened. Realizing belatedly what he had said, his face turned pale before quickly flushing a deep red.
“…I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for now?”
“I… those kinds of… words… might be burdensome for you….”
“I’ve never thought of it as burdensome.”
Cha Se-jin answered without hesitation. That part wasn’t difficult. Because it truly wasn’t burdensome. Strangely, he felt suffocated, his thoughts were tangled, and he felt as lost as if he were standing before an unfamiliar road, but it wasn’t burdensome.
He didn’t dislike the fact that Eun-won loved him. It felt special. Those words kept tugging at the innermost part of his heart.
Love.
It wasn’t that no one had ever said those words to him before. He had heard them at the end of lighthearted nights, spoken in voices drenched in alcohol, sometimes with faces where it was impossible to tell if they were sincere or merely habitual. But those words generally scattered like passing noise. The moment someone placed too many emotions upon him, Cha Se-jin usually grew annoyed, and the relationship quickly became boring.
But Eun-won was different.
The moment Eun-won said he loved him, instead of feeling annoyed, he felt strangely breathless. Instead of wanting to pull away, he wanted to pull him closer. He even found himself wanting to hear those words from that small mouth again.
His head throbbed from the sudden flood of thoughts. But he didn’t want to avoid them. Nor did he have the slightest intention of letting go of Eun-won’s hand. Fearing that if he loosened his grip even a little, Eun-won would take back what he had just said and drift away, he tightened his hold on the hand he was grasping.
Had he ever felt a desire to possess someone’s love this vividly before?
Unable to find an answer, Cha Se-jin gazed at Eun-won’s face. The boy who had been saying he loved him just a moment ago was now avoiding his eyes and apologizing. Strangely, he didn’t like that.
Why be sorry for saying you love me?
Swallowing the words that had risen to the tip of his throat, Cha Se-jin let out a long breath.
“Don’t be sorry.”
“…….”
“Everything you said. It’s nothing to be sorry for, and it’s not something I disliked hearing, so why are you apologizing? Don’t do that.”
Eun-won, who hadn’t been able to answer immediately, eventually gave a quiet nod.
“Yes….”
Though he answered, he still looked crestfallen, as if he had done something wrong. Cha Se-jin didn’t like that. No, it wasn’t just that he didn’t like it; he felt strangely anxious. Even though he was holding Eun-won’s hand and Eun-won was right beside him, it felt as if something had slipped through his fingers.
He didn’t know what to say. Words that could comfort Eun-won or put him at ease came to mind, but he didn’t feel that they would be enough to earn Eun-won’s trust.
I’ll keep staying with you. I won’t change. Nothing you’re worried about will happen. I’ve lived my life easily, but that doesn’t mean I always get bored and turn away so easily.
He couldn’t bring himself to say it. Because the words seemed too easy. Because they were so easy, they might reach Eun-won as something light and superficial. If someone else had said them, they might have felt sincere, but for the current him, they weren’t words that applied.
It felt strange to be standing here, carefully choosing every single word. He could have just said what he wanted. If he hated it, he’d say he hated it; if he liked it, he’d say he liked it; if he wanted it, he’d say he wanted it. Up until now, he had lived his life speaking that way without any problems.
But not now. He couldn’t say anything rashly. Eun-won was looking at him.
With the face that had just told him he loved him. With a frightened face, worried that he had voiced too much.
He couldn’t just say anything in front of that face.
“Executive Director….”
“Yeah.”
“I’m okay.”
Cha Se-jin’s brow furrowed slightly.
Okay?
Eun-won must have spoken up because he wanted to settle the situation. Telling him that he was okay, that he didn’t need to worry too much, and that he didn’t have to accept all of the overwhelming feelings he had poured out.
“I think I was… a bit too ahead of myself today…. I didn’t mean to go that far….”
Eun-won lowered his gaze. It felt as if that gaze was actively avoiding him. Strangely, his heart began to fluctuate wildly.
Just a moment ago, Eun-won had told him he loved him. He had said he wanted to be together five years from now, ten years from now. But now, he was stepping back, saying he was okay and that he had been too ahead of himself. Every time he saw Eun-won retreat like that, he felt a sense of urgency.
Why are you backing off after saying you love me? Why are you acting like someone trying to tidy things up alone when you said you wanted to be together?
“I’m not doing this because I’m burdened or flustered. It’s just that I don’t know how to say it. It’s different from having nothing to say. I feel like I have a lot to say, but I’m afraid if I just blurt out whatever comes to mind, I’ll end up giving you a reason to apologize again. That’s why.”
“…….”
“Thank you for telling me how you feel, Darling.”
Looking at Cha Se-jin’s serious face, Eun-won slowly nodded. A warm hand reached up to brush the corner of Eun-won’s eye and gently stroke his cheek. Not knowing what to do with his fluttering heart while receiving Cha Se-jin’s touch, Eun-won’s gaze shifted behind Cha Se-jin, toward the source of a vibrating sound.
Turning around to pick up his phone, Cha Se-jin showed the screen to Eun-won. The names Do Hae-jun and Kang Seo-hoo were written on the screen. It was a trivial message from the two of them, who had been chatting and were now asking Cha Se-jin which of their differing memories was the truth.
“They said they were hanging out because they had nothing to do, but I guess they’re still awake.”
Without replying to the message, Cha Se-jin set the phone back down and stroked Eun-won’s back.
“Executive Director.”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll… think about it some more, too.”
“About what?”
After thinking carefully for a moment about the words he wanted to voice, Eun-won slowly raised his gaze to meet Cha Se-jin’s eyes.
“The things I think about… too far on my own.”
“…….”
“Expecting more than what you give me, being scared alone, feeling anxious about the good times we have now… things like that. I think I need to… organize my feelings a bit, too.”
Cha Se-jin couldn’t say anything.
Organize.
That word struck him with strange intensity. He thought he vaguely understood what Eun-won meant by “organizing.” It meant he wouldn’t get too far ahead on his own. It meant he wouldn’t cling to a future that hadn’t arrived yet and feel anxious. It meant he would place his heart in a safer spot.
It should have been a good thing. It meant Eun-won would be less afraid. It meant that even if he couldn’t give an immediate answer, Eun-won would steady his own heart so as not to collapse alone. So, all he had to do was nod and tell him to do so. But those words wouldn’t come out.
He… hated the idea of Eun-won “organizing.”
Just as he was parting his lips, not knowing what to say, Cha Se-jin’s phone on the bedside table vibrated again.
The low vibration echoed through the quiet room. Eun-won’s gaze went there first. With an annoyed expression, Cha Se-jin picked up the phone, then frowned upon seeing the name on the screen.
“Kang Seo-hoo.”
“…You can answer it.”
“I don’t have to. I should have turned it off.”
Cha Se-jin hung up without hesitation. Then, he turned the power off entirely.
“Useless bastard.”
At Cha Se-jin’s low mutter, Eun-won’s eyes widened slightly. The tension that had been taut until a moment ago loosened faintly at those words. Eun-won picked up his own phone from the bedside table to check the time.
“…It’s already past two.”
Only then did Cha Se-jin check the time on Eun-won’s screen. It was true. Seeing that it was already the early hours of the morning, the words they had been exchanging felt as if they had drifted away. They hadn’t disappeared. Rather, the things that had been standing sharp, as if they had to be resolved right now, seemed to have retreated momentarily into the darkness.
“You’re right.”
Cha Se-jin pushed the phone further away and looked at Eun-won again. Eun-won’s face was still a bit pale, and fatigue hung in his eyes. It was only natural that he was exhausted after enduring the entire evening and pouring out his heart in this room.
“You must be tired.”
“A little….”
“Shall we sleep now?”
“Yes….”
The word “organize” still lingered in his ears, and though he didn’t know why that word had lodged itself in his heart and refused to leave, he didn’t ask Eun-won further. He felt that if he asked more, Eun-won would become even more crestfallen and shrink even further.
Laying Eun-won down, Cha Se-jin pulled up the blanket to cover him up to his shoulders. Then, he lay down beside him and turned toward Eun-won. Before it became completely dark, their gazes locked deeply once more.
“Executive Director.”
“Yeah.”
“…….”
“Don’t worry and sleep well.”
“…Okay….”
His eyes seemed to be saying that he didn’t need to worry too much, and that he was sorry for speaking up. Cha Se-jin reached out and stroked Eun-won’s hair. Then, half-turning his body, he reached over and turned off the lamp.
In the enveloping darkness, Cha Se-jin moved closer to Eun-won. Their bodies pressed together lightly. He felt Eun-won gripping the fabric of his clothes. It was a force so small that he wouldn’t have noticed if he hadn’t been concentrating. Fearing that this fragile touch might disappear, Cha Se-jin remained motionless for a long time.
Soon, Eun-won’s breathing became steady. Listening to that sound, Cha Se-jin could not close his eyes. Even though Eun-won was in his arms as usual, the word “organize” continued to echo in his ears.
“…….”
In the darkness, Cha Se-jin carefully took Eun-won’s hand again. In his sleep, Eun-won’s fingertips twitched slightly in an unconscious reflex, then relaxed.
Even at that small movement, his heart felt relieved and then uncomfortable again. Nothing had been resolved.
It was the night Eun-won told him he loved him.
Yet, strangely, Cha Se-jin could not fall asleep—not as someone who had received a confession, but as someone who had been robbed of something.