By Zephyria 
Unlike me, Hyung was always smiling. He had a frail build and looked at the ground whenever he spoke. Because of that, not only his classmates but even young children bullied him. When I was young, I was ashamed of him. There were times I even climbed over the school wall to escape because I hated how he would wait for me in front of the school gates until the moment I came out.
Whenever that happened, my mother told me until my ears bled that since we only had each other once our parents were gone, we had to rely on one another. But I was too young to understand those words. As the years passed, our circumstances grew more difficult, and my father’s violence was mostly directed at the fragile Hyung.
I felt pity for him, but I also felt a strong sense of relief that it wasn’t me. As time went by, Hyung spent more and more days locked in his room, and after barely managing to get his diploma, he went to work at a factory. However, he struggled to adjust there as well, and about a month in, he lost two fingers in an accident.
No one knows where the money he received then went. After the incident, Hyung completely hid away in his tiny room. I thought he’d come out eventually. That he’d get better. But nothing improved.
Hee-shin stared impassively at Hyung’s image in the funeral portrait.
In the photo, Hyung, dressed in his school uniform, was smiling awkwardly.
You bastard… you should have held on. Do you think I like living? Even if it was hard, you should have endured it.
His eyes stung, and he lowered his head. To his right, his mother, exhausted from crying, sat almost lifelessly, and to the left, his youngest sister, Min-hye, wept incessantly.
“Sister-in-law. There aren’t any guests right now, so stop this and come eat something.”
A man from the dining area approached and spoke. He was an old friend of their father. He was called a friend, but they had spent their time together doing every bad thing imaginable. The man helped the lifeless mother to her feet. His hand naturally wrapped around her shoulder.
“You’ll collapse at this rate. The living have to keep living.”
Hee-shin’s gaze followed the two of them before shifting to Min-hye.
“You go eat too. Your brother will stay here.”
Only then did Min-hye lift her head. Her eyes were raw and red from how much she had cried.
“Before I went to the academy… I should have checked on him… If I had just checked… If I, if I had just checked…”
Young Min-hye seemed determined to blame herself. When he patted her back, telling her not to, that it wasn’t her fault, her suppressed sobs finally burst forth. Min-hye buried her face in her black skirt and wailed sorrowfully. After comforting his much younger sister and stepping outside, it happened to be raining.
To clear his suffocating chest, he loosened his tie and headed toward a nearby convenience store.
“One pack of cigarettes, please.”
He went to a deserted bench and put a cigarette in his mouth. As he took a puff, his head spun. He gradually grew used to that feeling too. He didn’t know how many he had smoked in that same spot. The rain grew heavier, and his heart felt as though it were sinking into a mire of misery. While the cigarette butts piled up in the trash can, his phone vibrated.
-Oppa, is something wrong? Why aren’t you answering?
He typed out, Hyung died so I came down to my hometown, but then deleted it without hesitation. It wasn’t exactly good news. He made an excuse, saying he was on a business trip and would contact her tomorrow morning. Perhaps Yoon Se-na already knew everything. While thinking this, he received a message from an unexpected person.
-What are you doing?
Since he didn’t answer, another message arrived.
-Do you want to meet briefly after work?
He almost ignored it, but sent a brief reply: I’m on a business trip to Gangwon-do. He switched his phone to silent and entered the funeral hall again. In the meantime, his mourning clothes had become damp from the rain. Here and there, the sounds of chatter and occasional wailing could be heard. He reached the room at the very end, took off his shoes, and took his place at the altar.
Time flowed endlessly, and after 2:00 AM, the surroundings grew quiet. He took care of Min-hye, who was leaning against the wall in exhaustion, and sent her inside, then woke his mother, who had fallen asleep lying on one side, drunk. She, who had once loathed her father for drinking, had eventually become someone who drank as much as he did.
“Wake up. Go inside and sleep.”
Seeing Kang Hee-shin’s face, his mother smiled sorrowfully with glazed eyes.
“Our Jin-seong must have gone to a good place, right?”
Hee-shin didn’t answer. He didn’t believe such a place existed in the first place.
“Go to the room and get some sleep.”
“My eldest son, poor thing… what to do with him… poor thing…”
His mother, lamenting repeatedly, grabbed both of Hee-shin’s cheeks. Her tear-filled face distorted. He couldn’t tell if she was smiling or holding back tears.
“Still, it’s a relief. I’m glad you’re here.”
I’m glad it’s not you. Why did it sound like that to him? He clenched his teeth and suppressed the surging emotions. After taking his mother to the room and covering her with a blanket, he stepped back out. The people who had been providing food had gone home, and the only one left was Kim Mu-sik, his father’s best friend.
He, too, was lying on one side, snoring loudly in his sleep. Hee-shin sighed and took a bottle of soju from the refrigerator. He went back to the altar, leaned against the wall, and popped the cap.
Without a cup or any side dishes, he drank straight from the bottle. Only after he had drunk until the bottle was nearly empty did the suppressed emotions finally explode. In the empty altar room, with red-rimmed eyes, he glared at the eldest brother in the portrait.
“Fuck… you should have held on… just a little longer…”
You idiot… what was the rush to leave first…
I’m still living… why you…
His throat tightened, and he eventually squeezed his eyes shut. With the back of his head against the wall, he thudded it repeatedly. He cycled between cursing and begging for forgiveness, and eventually, exhausted, he drifted off into a light sleep. Sensing a presence in his slumber, he opened his eyes to see a man in a black suit bowing.
He quickly snapped awake and stood up. The moment the bowing man lifted his head, he wondered if this was a dream. He almost pinched his own cheek. The man turned toward Hee-shin. The sight of him dressed neatly in a black suit instead of his usual flashy clothes was unfamiliar.
Outside the altar room, the man who followed him like a shadow stood guard.
“My deepest condolences to the deceased.”
He should have thanked him for coming such a long way, but he was so surprised that no words came out. Im Gyeong went straight toward the dining area. Seeing him sit down with his secretary, Hee-shin plated a few items of food and brought them over.
Though he was an unexpected guest, he had come all this way; he couldn’t exactly kick him out by asking why he came.
Once the food was served, Im Gyeong stared blankly at the yukgaejang. Without asking anything further, he picked up the utensils.
Returning to his spot to guard the altar, Hee-shin could see Im Gyeong’s back clearly. After exchanging a few words with the secretary sitting in front of him, Im Gyeong nodded. He guessed they were talking about the yukgaejang. Then, without hesitation, he ate the soup. It was a surreal sight.
Who would have thought that Im Gyeong, whose face he hadn’t even known until recently, would come to his family’s funeral and eat yukgaejang? His sleep vanished as he watched the scene, and eventually, Im Gyeong stood up, having finished his meal.
Is he leaving?
Hee-shin intended to follow him and offer a proper thank you. That he had been too startled and flustered earlier. That he was grateful he came all this way. Instead of demanding how he found out, he felt that this was the right way to handle it now. However, instead of leaving, Im Gyeong leaned back against a wall in the dining area.
Suddenly, they were in a position where they were facing each other.
“…What is he doing…”
Looking around, he couldn’t see where the secretary had gone. Should he go ask? In the midst of this, a relative arrived. A distant relative whose face he hadn’t seen in a long time, to the point where he couldn’t even remember who they were. After talking briefly outside the altar room and returning, he saw that Im Gyeong had completely closed his eyes while sitting.
…Is he seriously sleeping?
Then, after a moment, he opened his eyes and stared quietly in this direction.
Until a moment ago, sorrow had been boiling over, but now he was simply curious about what that man was thinking.
Lacking the energy to go and ask, he simply let time pass. How much time had gone by? When he opened his eyes after a brief nap, Im Gyeong was gone. Only the empty bowl he had eaten from remained. The surroundings were still silent, with only the low murmur of voices coming from a few other altar rooms.
5:00 AM. There was still time before the sun rose. I wonder if he’s on his way back now? He unconsciously took out his phone. His finger lingered on the keypad for a long time, but no appropriate words came to mind. Thinking of things like Thank you for coming or Let’s meet when you’re back up, he quietly set the phone back down.