#83

“I haven’t even had the chance to properly tell you that I like you, Representative.”

A part of his chest throbbed. In contrast, however, Jung-hyun’s gaze sank deep.

“You don’t have to. I’ll act as if I never heard it.”

“Where in the world is there a fool who mistakes being treated well out of pity for genuine affection? Do you really think that? That I’m mistaken about my own feelings?”

His voice rose slightly. Jung-hyun replied in an even calmer tone on purpose.

“It might be hard to believe right now. But later, you’ll understand that I was right.”

“Why are you so certain…!”

Shin Ho-jae raised his voice sharply, then wiped his face with his hand as if slamming on the brakes. He kept his head lowered for a long while before lifting his face with a heartbroken expression.

“I know that ‘86’ was you, Representative. You supported me for a long time. I’ve never mentioned it before, but because you were there, I was able to pull myself together and get back up whenever things got hard. I cherish those memories dearly.”

“…….”

“And even though I acted so meanly, you helped my sister without asking for anything in return. The same goes for my father.”

A bitter smile escaped Jung-hyun’s lips unconsciously.

“I suppose that’s why I was able to become a ‘good person’ in your eyes, Ho-jae.”

He recalled Shin Ho-jae’s face when he was drunk after the Tohoku away game, asking whether he was a good person or a bad person. He remembered that expression, which had looked quite conflicted.

He had only vaguely guessed the reason, but now he knew it for sure. Rather than feeling relieved, he felt a sense of emptiness.

Perhaps anxious at Jung-hyun’s expression, Shin Ho-jae continued immediately.

“Just because someone is a good person doesn’t suddenly make me want to sleep with them.”

That was true. Jung-hyun smiled faintly.

“I suppose so. Otherwise, you’d have to sleep with everyone at the club.”

“That’s what I’m saying—.”

“Being a good person was likely just the starting point.”

Shin Ho-jae looked at Jung-hyun with wavering eyes. He seemingly hadn’t expected Jung-hyun to bring it up himself.

“Shall we put it the other way? If I were a man who sold players’ private lives to reporters and offered indecent sponsorships to a younger sister, do you think you would have wanted to sleep with me?”

“…Where did that example come from? That’s not the case.”

“Who knows, some of those might be true. In fact, that’s exactly what you thought of me once.”

“…Do you want an apology for what happened back then? Or are you trying to tell me that since I misunderstood once, I might do it again?”

“…….”

“I know very well that I misunderstood on my own and hurt you with mean words. It might be too late to apologize now, but… I’m sorry. At that time, I was trying my best to see you only as a bad person. That’s why I was confused. No, I didn’t mean to make excuses. …Could you forget what I just said?”

Shin Ho-jae poured out his words with an anxious face, then shook his head and wiped his face with his palm. Every gesture clearly revealed how nervous he was. Jung-hyun gave a light nod of affirmation.

“No. You’re right. It was understandable.”

“But it’s not like that anymore. I know now that you’re not that kind of person.”

Jung-hyun arched one eyebrow.

“Is that so? Since when did you get to know me so well?”

“It’s been a while. I know that when you intentionally say mean things, it’s when you’re trying to hide something more, and I know you’re the type of person who never shows it even when you’re hurt.”

“…….”

“That’s how closely I’ve been watching you. It’s not some delusion born out of pity.”

Jung-hyun’s brow slowly furrowed.

“…Sometimes it’s heartbreaking because it feels like you’re the only one enduring everything alone.”

“…….”

“In those moments, I wish you wouldn’t endure it alone and would lean on me instead.”

Jung-hyun stared blankly at Shin Ho-jae without saying a word.

For some reason, those words didn’t sound like they were addressed directly to him. They felt distant, as if spoken to a third party.

He was probably the type of person who gave his absolute best to a lover.

Just as he had for his sister, he would rush to her side the moment she asked him to pick her up; just as he had for his father, he would choose to stay by their side even if it meant giving up his career when they were sick; and just as he had for his friend, he would kneel before someone he hated just to resolve a problem.

And now, that same Shin Ho-jae was offering him a place to lean. He was telling him that he didn’t need to curl up and endure it alone.

How truly sweet.

But did Shin Ho-jae know?

That every time Jung-hyun glimpsed that kindness, a part of his heart grew cold, and he felt a massive wall.

The root of Shin Ho-jae’s kindness must have been a home as harmonious as a painting. Something that Jung-hyun could never possess unless he were born again.

Such roots were like a person’s very foundation; they weren’t something that could be imitated through effort.

Shin Ho-jae had carried guilt until the very end just because he had been harsh to his father once. Watching him sob uncontrollably in his arms, Jung-hyun had become certain.

Ah, this massive wall will never crumble.

Things that happened so routinely between him and his family that no one even remembered them—to think he suffered so much over something so trivial.

How pitiful and pathetic.

Both Shin Ho-jae, and himself.

“Who asked you to do that?”

Jung-hyun let out a short laugh.

“First you arbitrarily frame me as a ‘good person,’ and now you treat me as some fragile person who needs to live leaning on others.”

“…….”

“I don’t know what kind of person you expected me to be, but I’m not that kind of person. I don’t need anyone’s help, not now, and not in the future.”

Shin Ho-jae gazed at Jung-hyun for a long time before speaking.

“…There are times when you smile exactly like you are now, Representative.”

Jung-hyun raised an eyebrow at the abrupt change of subject.

“You smile like that when you’re hiding something inside and pretending to be okay.”

He had been quite confident in his poker face, but he had been getting pointed out frequently lately. His family had never noticed.

“I know it won’t all happen at once, as my greed might wish. But please, lean on me someday. I’ll work hard to become a person you can do that with.”

“…….”

The statement that he didn’t need anyone’s help, now or in the future, was sincere. He didn’t know how he appeared to Shin Ho-jae, but the version of himself he knew was not that fragile.

If he had truly been a fragile human being, he would have given up everything and ended his life around the time he was exiled to America. Instead, Jung-hyun had become numb to everything. That was likely how he had managed to endure until now.

Jung-hyun looked up and met Shin Ho-jae’s eyes. Shin Ho-jae was still looking at him with a tender gaze.

He felt his chest tighten again at the thought of having to hurt him, but he did not hesitate to open his mouth.

“I’m getting married.”

At that calm tone, Shin Ho-jae’s face distorted very slowly.

His brow furrowed first, and his eyebrows crumpled mercilessly. His lips, which had lost their smile in an instant, parted with difficulty to utter a single syllable.

“……What?”

“There are about four months left. The scheduled date is next April.”

Of course, he didn’t have a partner or an exact date yet. He boldly omitted the unimportant details.

He hadn’t intended to tell Shin Ho-jae this. He had simply thought that by next April, he would never have to see Shin Ho-jae’s face again.

“Since when….”

Shin Ho-jae muttered to himself, his face still distorted. Then, as if suddenly snapping back to his senses, he raised his voice and asked.

“W-when was this decided?”

“…….”

“…Can’t it be changed?”

His voice sounded utterly devastated.

If it were something that could be easily changed, he wouldn’t have delivered the news this way. Or perhaps he was asking again even though he knew the answer.

“It was decided from the moment I first made the proposal to you, Shin Ho-jae.”

“…….”

“Before I get married, I wanted to sleep with the person I liked. I don’t know if it’s because I’m particularly trashy, but to me, it felt like a very natural thought.”

84 – PUCK DROP