By Zephyria 
“Maybe he’s just scared?”
At Park Sang-jun’s words, Jae-gyeom’s eyes snapped open.
“You think he avoided it because he’s scared…?”
“Has he ever been with a man before?”
“No. He said I’m his first.”
“Then that’s it. Honestly, from the… receiving end, it hurts a lot at first. It takes quite a while to get used to it, and you need practice to actually enjoy it. So it’s only natural to be scared in one way or another at first. I was like that too.”
It was a plausible theory (at least from Jae-gyeom’s perspective).
Only then could Jae-gyeom fully understand why Yoon Tae-hee wouldn’t move on to the next step. The Yoon Tae-hee he knew was fragile, easily hurt, and vulnerable to pain. Being that kind of person, he must have been avoiding it all this time out of fear of the pain. Everything became clear, as if a lightbulb had suddenly flickered on in his head.
Why didn’t I think of that?
At some point, Jae-gyeom’s expression became quite serious.
“Hey. Does… doing that hurt a lot?”
“At first, yeah. After all, that place isn’t exactly designed for that….”
“How do you know so much? Did you… receive it too?”
“Yeah. But actually, I do both.”
“What does that mean?”
“Literally, it means I can do both.”
“Is that possible?”
“There’s no reason why not.”
Park Sang-jun added in a whisper, looking somewhat embarrassed.
“Still, it gets better as you go.”
“R-really?”
“Of course, that also depends on how the top does it.”
Feeling a sense of responsibility, Park Sang-jun sat the clueless Jae-gyeom down and gave him a brief lesson in sex education.
“First, in our terminology, there are terms called ‘top’ and ‘bottom’……”
Starting with an explanation of the terms, Park Sang-jun solemnly emphasized that since it hurts a lot the first time, one must take time to sufficiently loosen things up, the necessity of lube and condoms, and what constitutes good sex that is considerate of the bottom. Jae-gyeom nodded gravely, absorbing Park Sang-jun’s teachings.
“Then, am I the top?”
“Exactly! That’s why your role is important. Especially since your partner seems to be quite timid.”
And so, the counseling session that began with ‘My lover doesn’t seem to want to have sex, what should I do?’ had somehow shifted into a discussion about ‘The essential virtues a great top should possess.’
Jae-gyeom and Park Sang-jun were completely barking up the wrong tree. If Shin Ji-hye had heard them, she would have burst out laughing and corrected them immediately, but unfortunately, she was currently away from the table on a phone call. By the time Shin Ji-hye finished her call and returned, the two were wrapping up their conversation in a heartwarming atmosphere.
“Thanks. I owe you one. This was a big help.”
“Aw, it’s nothing. I’ll give you my number, so contact me whenever you’re curious about something.”
“Got it. I’ll buy you tonkatsu later. I know a great place.”
“Tonkatsu? Sounds good~.”
Returning late, Shin Ji-hye looked back and forth between Jae-gyeom and Park Sang-jun, stomping her feet.
“What! Why is the conversation already over? What did you two talk about! Tell me too!”
“Ji-hye, you don’t need to know.”
“Aw, why! I’m the one who set you up! I have a right to know!”
While Shin Ji-hye was throwing a fit, Park Sang-jun gave Jae-gyeom a thumbs-up and winked. It was a gesture of encouragement, as if saying, ‘Good luck!’ with his eyes.
He’s a pretty decent guy.
It was the moment a name was officially added to Jae-gyeom’s ‘Inner Circle of Friends.’
When Jae-gyeom returned home, Yoon Tae-hee was briefly away.
A few days ago, Yoon Tae-hee had resumed his activities as the leader of the Exorcist Order for the first time in a while. He had been stepping back, leaving most requests to Pae-hyeon, Heuk-je, or Saero, so this was a long-awaited return. The request concerned a matter involving a current member of the National Assembly. Since there was no longer a reason to operate the Exorcist Order publicly, he had initially refused, but he was forced to take on the job due to a personal request from Seonsa Yeo-hye.
It wasn’t a particularly difficult task, but there was a lot of paperwork involved for information gathering and investigation. He had mentioned he was going to meet Seonsa Yeo-hye regarding that matter today, and it seemed he hadn’t returned from his outing yet.
Confirming that Yoon Tae-hee wasn’t home yet, Jae-gyeom flopped down onto the sofa.
While taking a breather and fiddling with his phone, he saw a message from Park Sang-jun. Park Sang-jun had mentioned during their conversation that he would recommend a movie that might be helpful, and this was likely it. Since the movie wasn’t particularly interesting, Park Sang-jun had kindly added instructions on exactly which minute and second to start watching from.
Without much thought, Jae-gyeom picked up the remote and turned on the TV. Since it was a work available on the OTT service Jeong-ju subscribed to, finding it wasn’t difficult. Having successfully found the movie, Jae-gyeom pressed the play button.
As the movie began, two burly men were having a conversation with no apparent context.
…What is this?
Confused by the content, Jae-gyeom first tried to ‘skip’ to the part Park Sang-jun had mentioned. Then, after a loading icon appeared and the playback point jumped to the latter half, the two men who had been dressed and talking just a moment ago suddenly appeared completely naked, engaged in a physical struggle.
[Oh yeah… fuck me… yes… oh god….]
What Park Sang-jun had recommended was none other than a 19+ queer film famous for its explicit sex scenes.
“Agh! Shit!”
Realizing too late that this wasn’t a ‘physical struggle’ (?), Jae-gyeom screamed as if he’d been poked in the eye and hurriedly covered his face. On the TV screen, two dark-skinned men were making animalistic noises while engaging in intense intercourse. If he could, he felt like washing his eyes in a flowing stream.
Jae-gyeom peeked through his closed eyes.
Far from being aroused, he only thought it was bizarre. Moreover, perhaps because the man on the bottom was grimacing, he looked more like he was in pain and suffering than enjoying it.
Indeed, it was something Yoon Tae-hee would be afraid of….
Park Sang-jun had said that while watching a movie, one would naturally empathize with one side. He added that this would likely be close to one’s own position. However, no matter how much Jae-gyeom looked, he couldn’t empathize with either side. Both the one inserting and the one receiving felt distant, as if it were someone else’s business entirely.
However, if he had to choose who looked like they were enjoying it more based solely on their expressions, the one inserting definitely looked much better than the one receiving. Since even just touching with hands feels good, it was only natural for a creature called a man.
But, if Tae-hee had to suffer like that in exchange…?
Jae-gyeom squeezed his eyes shut again.
He didn’t even want to imagine it.
A kid who was already physically weak and constantly sickly (again, from Jae-gyeom’s perspective) having to endure such pain felt like too cruel a treatment. At first, he had simply thought of it as a male role and a female role, and naturally thought the more masculine one should be on top.
But Park Sang-jun had said:
Since both are men to begin with, there is no such thing as a male role or a female role. He was right. Furthermore, after seeing it with his own eyes, he thought that perhaps it would be more correct for the person who is physically stronger and more robust to be on the bottom and receive. If following the natural order, that might actually be the right way.
Perhaps sex between men is a fundamentally unfair act.
Once his thoughts reached that point, Jae-gyeom sank into a serious contemplation. A skeptical question naturally followed: ‘Is it even necessary to do something where one side is so exhausted in the first place?’
However, Park Sang-jun had already left an answer for that.
‘But if one side hurts that much, why do it?’
‘Oh. That’s a very fundamental question.’
After pausing to choose his words, Park Sang-jun spoke in a gentle voice.
‘I believe sex is the most intimate form of communication that loving partners can share. That’s why I feel like the relationship changes after having sex. Until then, it feels like there’s a transparent wall that never disappears no matter how close your bodies are, but after sex, it feels like that wall vanishes. That’s how love deepens even further. That was my experience.’
Saying so, Park Sang-jun added with a smile:
‘And although it hurts at first, the one receiving does it because they like it too. Don’t worry too much.’
Nevertheless, Jae-gyeom could not shake his doubts.
No, something that big goes in there, and that can actually feel good…?
Lost in thought, Jae-gyeom first turned off the movie. Park Sang-jun told him not to worry, but after watching the movie, he felt his worries had doubled. He couldn’t even fathom what exactly was supposed to be good about it.
Since his head was a mess, he decided to just take a shower.
Jae-gyeom stripped off his clothes and headed to the bathroom.
He scrubbed his hair clean and rubbed his body with a shower ball full of bubbles, when his gaze suddenly drifted downward. Staring blankly at his crotch, Jae-gyeom tentatively moved his hand behind him.
He was curious about what it would feel like to do it from behind.
Using the slippery nature of the bubbles, Jae-gyeom pressed his finger firmly between his buttocks. He felt a strange sensation, though he wasn’t quite sure if it was actually there. After fiddling around the area, Jae-gyeom, in an awkward posture with his hips pushed back, slid one finger into the narrow opening.
“Hmm….”
With his finger inside the hole, Jae-gyeom stood with a blank expression, letting the stream of water pour over him.
Splash, splash, splash….
“…….”
Review: Surprisingly, no feeling at all. I have simply become a person with a finger in their hole.