#63

It was already late by the time they left the bed. After driving across the city and engaging in such mischievous acts, it was only natural that dawn was already breaking.

Whether it was from the exertion or from staying up nearly all night, Amber’s eyes were half-closed by the time they arrived home.

Upon returning, Amber naturally lay down on Tennessee’s bed, as if it were his designated spot. He had clearly said it was only for today, yet his movements were brazen, as if those words had never been spoken.

“Why are you lying here?”

Tennessee offered a weak protest, but

“Today isn’t over yet,”

Amber replied, instantly dismantling the wall. Lying on his side and facing Tennessee, who was still standing by the door, Amber opened one arm. He roughly tidied the bedding in front of him and patted it. It was a signal to come and lie down.

“Always so cheeky,”

Tennessee grumbled, yet he lay down in front of Amber.

Yawning, Amber buried his nose in the back of Tennessee’s head. Tennessee’s scent was always faint. He could only sense it when held tightly in his arms or when burying his nose in his skin like this. Whenever he smelled this scent, Amber’s heart would settle. It drove him crazy and made him feel peaceful at the same time.

Amber let out a satisfied sigh, and Tennessee’s short hair fluttered with the breath. In that way, Amber spent a long time, turning the pages of time without a set destination.

Unlike Amber, who was lost in thought while hugging Tennessee, Tennessee had already fallen into a deep sleep.

“Asleep already?”

Only the sound of steady breathing could be heard. Amber glanced at the window, where the light was gradually brightening. It was a time that suited early morning more than the dawn.

To think it’s already this time; I should close my eyes for a bit. Just as Amber was about to close his eyes—

27 – Chapter

“Go away.”

“……Tennessee?”

Eyes that had been blurring snapped open. Amber quickly pushed himself up. That wasn’t Tennessee’s usual voice.

“Tennessee.”

Tennessee, who had been sleeping peacefully on his side just a moment ago, now had his face contorted, covering his eyes with his palm.

“Wake up.”

Amber’s fingertips brushed Tennessee’s shoulder cautiously, but Tennessee reacted with a violent start, as if he had been hit by hail. Amber recoiled at the sudden flinch. Shaking his head, Tennessee slowly curled his body into a fetal position.

“Tennessee.”

Amber called him in a small voice. Tennessee gasped. His breath came in ragged heaves, and a desperate strength surged into his fingertips.

“Don’t do that, it hurts, Tennessee, please don’t.”

Sharp nails dug in, drawing long red lines across Tennessee’s skin. His strained arms and legs trembled thinly.

Tennessee huddled tighter. In that sight, Amber saw pain and resignation simultaneously. The kind of acceptance and resignation that appears in someone’s eyes when pain is inevitable, when the sky collapses into darkness and the world heads toward its end. Because of this, Tennessee’s seizure stimulated every one of Amber’s emotions.

“Tennessee.”

He called Tennessee’s name with a trembling voice. He couldn’t bring himself to touch him. Except for the very beginning of a seizure, Tennessee usually didn’t react sensitively to Amber stroking or soothing him—as if he remembered the familiar touch. But now, he was hyper-alert even to the sound of Amber’s breathing.

In a voice that grew hoarse with moans, Tennessee spoke.

“Please.”

It was a plea.

“Leave me alone.”

It was also a cruel rejection. Gasping, Amber lowered his head. His own body was without a single scratch, yet he felt as if he were bleeding from somewhere. He could feel himself soaking in a pooling puddle.

“Please, just leave me alone.”

Listening to Tennessee’s repeated words, Amber swallowed his sobs. From within the pooled blood, something dark rose. It was a colossal mass of pain, depression, and anxiety. It was the sum of all the nightmares and fears Amber had ever possessed. With a body like a giant and a roar like a lion, it gripped Amber by the throat.

“……Leave you alone?”

With his wrists bound by pure agony, Amber stood up. After staring at Tennessee for a long time, he left the bed. Tennessee’s pain-filled moans sliced through his earlobes like arrowheads.

Going to the kitchen, Amber turned on the coffee machine. He needed hot water. Immediately after a seizure, Tennessee’s body would be covered in scratches and his voice would go hoarse. He intended to brew some tea.

He took out a teacup, tea leaves, bandages, and ointments. Looking at the items spread across the kitchen counter, Amber suddenly bit his lip.

To think that this was all he could do for someone in such pain. It became unbearable.

Tears welled up. Clearing his throat, which felt tight with emotion, Amber moved his trembling hands. Then, in a moment of realization, he finally wept.

Even after spending his daily life with him and becoming lovers, Amber had always been plagued by a faint anxiety that something hadn’t truly ended. A formless fear that a crisis, hiding somewhere and waiting for the right opportunity, would strike at any moment.

Until now, Tennessee had been a man who never forgot to reclaim the happiness he had given, and Amber’s life had been a collection of such moments. And tragedy never forgot to knock on his door. Finally, the moment of terror had arrived.

When he realized that this was that moment, Amber—who was well-acquainted with anxiety—felt a paradoxical sense of relief.

Ah, so this was it. This must be what my fear and anxiety were about. It was a mixture of frustration and relief.

* * *

As a child, Amber had feared pain, but he had not feared death. No, in the first place, he had few memories of ever thinking about life and death. The days passed quickly, yet left no trace in his memory; as a child, he was too busy struggling just to survive each day.

Back then, he feared the coming tomorrow. He believed it would simply be another painful day, and perhaps because of that mindset, even small hardships appeared as insurmountable walls.

However, after meeting Tennessee, his life changed drastically. Because every day was so brilliant, Amber began to fear death for the first time.

Sitting by the window of a familiar building, Amber waited for Tennessee. Tennessee was undergoing rehabilitation treatment, with only a few sessions remaining.

In the quiet space, Amber thought of the moments he shared with Tennessee. He felt as though it hadn’t even been a few years, yet the days were so numerous they were hard to count on two hands. He had accumulated as many, or perhaps more, memories. With him, even nightmares were precious.

It felt as though he hadn’t waited long when Tennessee emerged from the rehab room. He was drenched in sweat, and Amber could feel the heat just by getting close to him. Amber smiled, but only for a moment; as Tennessee’s short sleeve rolled up, bare skin with long scabs was revealed. The smile gradually withered. However, before Tennessee could notice, Amber asked a question first.

“How was it?”

“Same as usual.”

Amber hugged him as if supporting him. Since Tennessee was an indifferent person, he was equally indifferent to the gaze of others, and as long as Amber didn’t draw too much attention, he didn’t mind public displays of affection.

Amber thought that perhaps his dislike of being the center of attention was due to the nature of his past profession. He hoped that as Tennessee became more accustomed to this life, which no longer had any connection to the past, he might allow more. Just the thought that tomorrow would be better than today, and a year from now would be better than this year, made Amber’s heart swell. He was indescribably happy just imagining it. In that perfectly brilliant moment, Amber suddenly felt a surge of anxiety.

Anxiety ruins so many things. It casts dark clouds over things that could have been more beautiful and fulfilling. Even knowing it was a bad habit, Amber couldn’t stop his thoughts from spiraling negatively.

“What are you thinking about?”

It was the first time he had heard that kind of question from Tennessee. Had it been obvious on his face? Amber, composing his expression, shook his head. He couldn’t bring himself to say, I’m imagining a grim future.

They say words have power. He felt that the moment he spoke it aloud, imagination would become expectation, and expectation would become a reality.

Consider how a perfect day can change by the time night falls. Amber tried his best not to be too happy.

* * *

Tennessee pushed himself up. His arms were covered in wounds. Blood scabs had formed along long nail marks.

It had happened at dawn. Tennessee had suffered another seizure.

The seizures had become more severe now, and the intensity had changed to a degree that even he, despite having no memory of them, could feel it. His jaw ached from how hard he had clenched his teeth, and every muscle screamed in pain.

Tennessee recalled the time he had visited Michigan. Annie and Cody had been giggling with an iPad. Then, they took a photo of him and burst into laughter. Even Amber, who had peeked at the screen out of curiosity, had broken into laughter. He remembered it being a camera with some kind of filter.

Comparing a life that seemed devoid of worry just a few days ago to this sudden plunge into the abyss of depression, it was hard to tell what was truth and what was distortion. Like a filter.

Whether this sudden fall into despair was an inescapable reality, or merely a moment where things had momentarily twisted.

With eyes sunken deep into the floor, Tennessee stared at Amber, who was applying medicine to his wounds. Tennessee found it strange that Amber never showed how difficult it was whenever he was in pain.

He thought that if it were him, he would have spat out words of resentment at least once. He would have demanded why the happy moments had to be torn to shreds every single time. But Amber didn’t do that. Amber tended to think that his own despair would become a burden to the other person.

Though it was equally hard for him, Tennessee felt he could handle any amount of complaining from Amber. Yet, Amber never let it show.

Yes, come to think of it, Amber wasn’t a child or an immature person who would demand to be pampered. He was mature enough to gently hold his hand. Would it have been easier on his heart if Amber had cried? He didn’t know.