#57

Tennessee pushed away the food Amber had carefully prepared with the back of his hand. As if saying that since you were the one who poured wasted effort into this, you reap what you sow.

Tennessee turned and headed toward the sofa. Supporting himself only with his arms, Tennessee was able to sit. Then, he looked back as the wheelchair, which he hadn’t even touched, was pushed away. It was Amber. Amber was silently folding the empty wheelchair. His expression was no different from before. That was why Tennessee only noticed he was crying after a few seconds had passed.

Amber moved quietly, without protest or resentment. Like falling rain, with a face that looked normal, yet filled with tears. The tears pooled in the corners of his eyes soon clung to his chin and fell.

“…Ah.”

Only after the tears fell did Amber seem to realize he was crying, and he stared at Tennessee with empty eyes. He had only wiped his cheeks, but they were drenched. Tennessee thought he looked like soot.

Even as Amber folded the wheelchair and moved it out of the living room, Tennessee said nothing.

“Why are you like this? Why do you keep speaking so cruelly to me?”

It was Amber who spoke through the tears.

“…”

With a gesture tinged with fatigue, Tennessee rubbed his eyes. In that moment, a spark ignited in Amber’s eyes.

Your legs should have been cut off.

Amber caught his breath amidst a ferocious emotion, an intense feeling that translated into love-hate.

Rather than leaning clumsily on broken legs, it would have been better if they were permanently destroyed so that he had no choice but to depend on me; those legs should have been cut off.

Looking at Tennessee, who remained peaceful unlike himself—who was in pain and swept away—Amber squeezed his eyes shut. Tears streamed down his cheeks.

No, it would have been the same. There would be many people kneeling and offering a helping hand to you.

The idea that a physical disability would even slightly affect his value was foolish. Even if both legs disappeared right now, he would still be him.

Standing before Tennessee, who was leaning against the back of the sofa, Amber knelt on one knee. He reached out to Tennessee, who stubbornly refused to apologize. Tennessee looked down at Amber without a flinch or agitation. Amber grasped his hand and left a desperate kiss on the back of it.

At this clumsy and unfair gesture of submission, Tennessee thought of a blazing meteor. Amber pretended to be harmless, as if he could bring about no change, but to Tennessee, he was a massive tsunami, a crashing comet. He would change everything.

Wet eyelashes brushed coldly against the back of his hand, but Tennessee remained silent to the end.

Pushing aside the emotion that surged violently to protest, and the impulse to suppress him and pour out his own feelings, Amber stood up. He left behind the hope that Tennessee would understand his heart—kneeling and kissing the hand of the man who spoke cruelly—even without a detailed explanation.

There was a small garden behind Tennessee’s house. It wasn’t very large, but out of consideration for Amber, who didn’t smoke, Tennessee occasionally smoked there.

Closing the back door, Amber looked up at the sky. His breathing had become ragged.

Originally, he had planned to take a walk with Tennessee today. Although he moved occasionally, Tennessee spent most of his time in the hospital room, and though he didn’t express it, Amber knew he felt stifled looking out the window. That was why Tennessee’s expression would rarely soften when they went outside the hospital, even for a short while. It was a change others didn’t notice, but Amber did.

Basking in the sunlight, Tennessee would sometimes close his eyes for a moment, and even if Amber said something trivial, Tennessee would occasionally give a long response or briefly share his thoughts.

‘Annie says Tennessee is her ideal type. She said she wishes Elizabeth had a boyfriend who looked like Tennessee.’

‘…Me?’

‘Yes.’

‘That’s a problem.’

His tone suggested that the adoptive parents would suffer if her taste in men was that poor.

‘What’s wrong with Tennessee? He’s cool, he makes good money—’

‘—Makes good money, could die tomorrow, is a former contract killer, is boring, and barely speaks?’

‘…Don’t insult my Tennessee.’

Tennessee let out an absurd laugh, and Amber burst into laughter along with him.

‘Shall we go get coffee?’

‘Too many people. I hate it.’

‘Then shall we just go back in?’

‘…Black.’

More than once or twice, while pushing the wheelchair, Amber had wanted to embrace Tennessee’s black hair. This side of him. He must only show this comfortable side to me. If he embraced him, Tennessee would surely tell him to get off, but still, Tennessee was occasionally generous enough to accept him.

For Amber, those moments were not mere daily routines. Every single thread of time that brushed past his earlobe was beautiful.

Amber stared at the wheelchair visible through the transparent back door for a long time. His breath, which had briefly calmed, had become ragged again. His chest expanded and contracted repeatedly. Amber stared silently at the wheelchair. Then, he picked it up lightly and went out the back door.

Really, Tennessee should have just—

Bang! Bang! Bang!

He had only moved his hands a few times.

Panting, Amber wiped his sweat-soaked forehead. Bang! A dented wheel spun uselessly. Fragments of Tennessee’s legs—dented, torn, and useless—fell right in front of him.

I should cut off both your legs and put them in my pocket, and put a collar around your neck. I’ll tie that leash to my own healthy legs.

No, locking you up would be better. I’ll lock you up so you can only look at me, and hide you away from the world so you don’t enter anyone’s sight.

If I do that, if I hide you, will we be together forever?

A suffocating silence settled. Amber slumped down. His palms were sticky. He thought it was sweat, but blood was seeping out. Without the strength to wipe it, Amber buried his face in his hands. He hated himself for being like this. Every situation was desperate. If he gave up, if Tennessee escaped just like this…

…He wouldn’t be able to live.

“What are you doing?”

Tennessee’s low voice drifted over. Sobbing and panting, Amber turned his head. Tennessee was standing behind the door.

He doesn’t have his wheelchair, so how did he get here? As if to answer Amber’s question, Tennessee moved his body with difficulty. Even with a face full of pain, Tennessee was taking steps.

“Don’t! It hurts!”

Amber rushed to catch him, then panicked when he saw blood staining Tennessee’s clothes. Tennessee’s eyes turned toward the wheelchair, which was broken beyond repair.

Ah…

It was then that Amber, returning to his senses, bit his lip.

“It’s ruined.”

“…Yes.”

Tears kept falling.

Maybe it’s not because it’s me, but anyone else would have fallen for you like this. Because you can make anyone who is sane become like this.

Just as he didn’t apologize to Amber, Tennessee didn’t criticize him.

“I’m sorry. I must have been crazy. No, I wasn’t completely out of my mind… I don’t know, there’s no excuse. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

Amber clung desperately in front of the broken wheelchair.

“But I never once thought of hurting you, I never even considered the possibility, really, please believe me.”

Embracing Amber, who looked as if he might collapse at any moment, with his one healthy arm, Tennessee nodded.

He shouldn’t criticize Amber. Because it was Tennessee himself who always pushed him to the limit and then offered a lifeline as if it were the final mercy.

“I’m sorry.”

After moving Tennessee to the bed, Amber apologized.

“I’ll buy a new wheelchair as soon as possible. …Until then, please just let me stay.”

Adjusting his pillow, Tennessee checked Amber’s deeply sunken expression.

“What about school?”

“For now, I’m thinking of taking a break.”

He knew well. Amber was simply in despair. If he had lost his reason and gotten angry, it would be one thing, but in his eyes, Amber was simply cornered.

“Because you threw everything away and ran,”

Lying on his side, Tennessee thought about Amber’s tears. He felt as though he had heard a desperate cry.

“That’s why I’m doing this.”

It was an excuse in typical Tennessee fashion.

“No, you just always say mean things.”

“…….”

No other excuse came to mind. Tennessee knew all too well that in Amber’s eyes, he must seem like a cruel, cold-blooded man devoid of emotion.

“Goodnight.”

Amber’s voice was calm. At least, on the surface.

* * *

In the dim light of dawn, Tennessee woke to a suppressed groan. It was a sound so faint that he wouldn’t have been sure he’d heard it if he hadn’t been listening intently.

“Amber……?”

Pushing himself up, Tennessee held his breath. He hadn’t misheard. It was a groan of pain. His legs felt as if they might snap, but Tennessee forced himself to move. Fortunately, the bedroom where Amber stayed was right next door. Had it been further, he would have had to crawl.

As he gently opened the door, Tennessee’s eyes widened at the faint scent of blood. In the dark room, without needing to turn on the lights, Tennessee realized what Amber was doing. A blade glinted in the room tinted with the blue of dawn.

“Amber.”

“……I’m sorry.”

He hadn’t intended to, but it was an impulse.

When the light flickered on, the carnage was revealed in greater detail. Amber was wiping away blood. It was self-harm. Faint, dark red bloodstains were visible through the sweatpants Amber was wearing. It was the inner thigh, just like last time.

Tennessee closed his eyes for a moment and steadied his breathing. Self-harm. What could possibly drive Amber to hurt himself? Tennessee thought that something was fundamentally lacking. Then, he began to consider all the external factors rather than Amber himself. His childhood, Huston, the new home and environment…….

And, himself. Tennessee faced a blatant sense of self-reproach.