#32

Amber washed the blood off his knuckles. There were cuts on his finger joints from scraping against teeth.

Then, Amber took out his phone.

After some hesitation, Amber pressed the ten digits he had memorized all night. The line began to ring. Just that gave him a sense of relief.

For the first time, contact was possible. Even if they couldn’t meet immediately, the mere fact that he could reach him made Amber feel a step closer to him. At least Tennessee was in the United States.

While Tennessee had contacted him occasionally in the past, it was rare, and most of the time the caller ID was hidden. Since he worked with the FBI, Amber couldn’t even ask for his number, and there were days when he had no idea when a call might come. He had simply had to wait for his calls.

Every time Amber asked, Tennessee was in a different location. Perhaps due to the time difference, the times he called were all over the place. Sometimes it was early morning, sometimes late at night, or in the afternoon right after school.

One day, Tennessee called during class, and Amber had to sprint to the restroom. He had been anxious that the call would end in that short interval. He had traversed the long hallway in one breath to get into the bathroom. Even then, he didn’t find it tiring. It was simply precious.

This moment was the same.

After a few minutes of anxious waiting for him to pick up, Tennessee’s voice was heard.

[Hello.]

Amber moistened his parched lips. His reflection in the mirror looked unfamiliar. What would Tennessee think if he saw him tomorrow?

“Can I ask you something?”

[Yeah.]

Hearing his voice over the phone, it sounded lower than usual.

“Um, well…”

Amber thought of the woman who had walked into Tennessee’s house as if it were nothing.

It was true that it was excessive force.

Only today did Amber discover the massive, deep-seated rage that had existed within him without him even knowing. At the same time, Tyler’s words lingered in his mind.

What tormented Amber wasn’t the stupid insults or the finger-pointing of his peers. It was the realization that while Tennessee was the only one for him, he likely wasn’t the same for Tennessee. It was the frustration stemming from that.

Despite that, Amber couldn’t stop praying, and he couldn’t bear the wait to become an adult. Every second spent as a child was agonizing. He wanted to shed the skin of an underdeveloped boy right this instant. He felt that if he did, he might be able to catch him.

‘A little homo, how pathetic, Ryker? Do you think anyone will ever show up to plug your ass?’

He wanted to grab hold of Tennessee right now, but Tennessee would vanish before he could even enter his shadow.

“Tennessee, you’re straight, right?”

Amber bit his lip anxiously. Even a brief silence felt far too long. Then, a clear voice reached him.

[No, I’m bi.]

Amber closed his eyes tight.

When he opened them, Amber found his breathing had become much heavier and had to set the phone down.

Until now, Amber had found his emotions overwhelming. He thought it was a painful, innocent crush. But Amber realized that this had merely been the preparation stage.

It was the beginning of a long, burning fever.

* * *

“What happened to this?”

As soon as he saw Amber, Tennessee asked. Amber avoided his gaze.

Not long after he rang the doorbell, Tennessee appeared in comfortable clothes. As soon as their eyes met, Tennessee ignored Amber’s greeting, grabbed his chin, and asked.

“……My cheek?”

“Everything. Your cheek and your lip.”

Fortunately, Elizabeth did not ground him. The level of school punishment for Tyler and Amber was still being discussed, but David comforted Amber, saying it would likely be nothing serious. Amber just felt sorry. He even felt guilt.

It was a strange feeling to watch Elizabeth and David, who were practically furious and threatening the school as if they were the ones who had suffered the incident. It was an emotion Amber had not felt often.

He had clearly thought it was a personal fight, but it wasn’t. Elizabeth didn’t embrace Tyler, whose front teeth were gone, but instead embraced him, who only had a torn lip.

‘You must never just accept it when the world treats you unfairly.’

She had said that, and Amber had replied while leaning quietly into her embrace.

But I’ve always done that.

At Amber’s words, David’s eyes welled with tears. Amber thought he would inevitably be suspended or expelled, but Elizabeth even seriously discussed a legal battle.

‘I’m sorry.’

Amber apologized to Elizabeth and David like that.

Even though he didn’t think liking Tennessee was a sin, he couldn’t stop blaming himself. No, what if another child had entered this family instead of him? They wouldn’t have had to raise their voices at school. That child wouldn’t have hurt their new family. They wouldn’t have become a nuisance. They would have received good grades at a good school and become a proud child. Amber couldn’t break the cycle of self-reproach.

“Amber.”

Tennessee urged him, but since his chin was held, Amber could only mumble and couldn’t speak properly. However, Tennessee managed to understand the mumbled words.

“You said something happened?”

“……Yes.”

Doesn’t Tennessee hide a lot from me too? Amber justified himself with that reason.

Amber didn’t want to talk about school in front of Tennessee. He was afraid of appearing as a truly pathetic and immature child. Even while thinking that Tennessee probably already saw him that way.

A faint scent of cigarettes lingered on Tennessee’s fingertips. Even though he knew Tennessee had reached out to see the injury, Amber’s heart shook violently.

“…….”

Tennessee, having turned his chin this way and that, remained silent. He didn’t urge him or pry further. He simply looked at him with that usual expressionless face, but Amber felt a silent pressure. The atmosphere gradually sank.

“……I fought.”

Though it was one-sided to call it a fight, Amber didn’t want to say he had beaten someone to a pulp.

“The medicine?”

“I applied it.”

Amber almost reminded him that Elizabeth was a doctor, but stopped. Tennessee probably already knew.

“Did Elizabeth or David hit you?”

“No!”

Amber jumped. They were good people. Good parents, a good family. Above all, they sincerely cared for and loved him.

Of course, that didn’t mean David and Elizabeth were perfect people, and Amber occasionally clashed and had conflicts with them, but that was only natural as long as they were within the fence of a family.

“David and Elizabeth would never do that.”

“That’s a relief.”

Tennessee watched Amber defend his foster parents. Fortunately, it seemed Amber had found a nest that fit him perfectly.

“Do you dislike Elizabeth or David?”

Preferences weren’t very important to Tennessee. If he had to say, he was in a state of having a basic human liking for them.

However, Tennessee was someone who had personally witnessed what kind of monster lived inside an ideal and perfect saint. He didn’t mean Amber’s foster parents were like that, but he couldn’t fully trust anyone.

“Now that you’ve seen, can I go in?”

Since his chin had been grabbed as soon as Tennessee came out after the doorbell rang, Amber hadn’t yet stepped a single foot inside his house. Tennessee stepped aside, and Amber first set his luggage down on the sofa.

“I didn’t come too early in the morning, did I?”

“Not particularly.”

Tennessee replied while pouring water into a cup.

Amber felt a bit relieved. He had pressed Elizabeth to arrive in Chicago at the crack of dawn. Although he couldn’t sleep properly due to excitement, his eyes had snapped open early. Consequently, he had ended up arriving much earlier than the time he had told Tennessee. Looking at the clock, it was a time when one could have early breakfast.

Sitting on the sofa, Amber gazed at Tennessee. As he had said, since there were no special plans, Tennessee was wearing grey sweatpants and a single black t-shirt. It was a comfortable outfit.

“Oh, what happened with that? You said you were going to look for work here.”

“I found a job.”

Amber’s eyes widened at the happy news contained in that nonchalant tone. For a moment, he suppressed the urge to jump up. The expression “butterflies in my stomach” must exist for times like this. To think that he would be staying here.

“Though I’ll be going on business trips often.”

Though he didn’t tell Amber, Tennessee planned to coordinate many things during his month of leave. He hadn’t signed the contract yet, but he had received a firm commitment. At the same time, he had to wrap up his work with the FBI.

A security firm—Tennessee almost let out a scoff.

It was a great irony. He had worked with the FBI because he was a hitman, and now, thanks to his history of working with the FBI, he was being hired by a security firm. Originally, security firms exist to protect clients from threats like Tennessee. If he hadn’t worked with the FBI, it would have been something he could never have done.

“We’ll be seeing each other more often from now on, right?”

Amber asked, wary of whether his voice betrayed blatant excitement.

“I don’t know, won’t you get busy once you become a high school student?”

Then Tennessee turned his gaze toward Amber. He inhaled cigarette smoke until his cheeks looked hollow.

“You should enjoy your one and only high school years.”

Whenever this happened, Amber felt like a pinned butterfly under his gaze. Tennessee held a giant pin and pressed it down into his heart. While he gasped, pinned in place, Tennessee slowly examined and measured him. It felt like being put to a test.

I am not a threat to you.

He wanted to say that, but it wouldn’t be conveyed. While pinned to the stake, raising both hands as if to show, bleeding, Tennessee would eventually take away his dry gaze. Amber couldn’t bear the joy of that permission, which was akin to indifference.

“I’ll be busy continuously, too.”

Amber tightened his lips to manage his expression. I mustn’t be found out. I mustn’t show it. Only the instinct that he must not show his shortness of breath remained alive.