#31

Normally, it was a journey that took about five hours. However, Tennessee arrived at Amber’s house quickly, adjusting his speed between speeding and the limit with ghostly precision.

Even before he had contacted them that he had arrived, Amber’s family came out to the porch to greet him as soon as the car stopped. Now, no matter how many days it took, Amber had a family waiting for him. That fact provided Tennessee with a certain amount of comfort.

After parking the car, Tennessee returned the gun and the car keys. He left some advice: put them back secretly so you don’t get caught, and don’t even think about taking them out.

“How are you going back, Tennessee?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Stay the night. David can give you a ride to the airport tomorrow.”

“I have things to do today.”

Amber nodded weakly. It was time for another goodbye. He didn’t want to let Tennessee go, but he had no justification to make him stay. Above all, Tennessee seemed completely unbothered by the prospect of being apart from him. Every time Amber saw the scales so clearly tipped, he fell into despair and self-loathing. Nevertheless, giving up was impossible.

“When can I see you next?”

“Soon. I’m on vacation for a month.”

Amber, who had been staring only at his toes, snapped his head up. A month?

“Then we can meet soon?”

“If you want.”

“When? Where?”

Before Tennessee could even open his mouth, Amber continued rapidly.

“Can I spend the weekend at Tennessee’s house in Chicago?”

He thought Tennessee would find it annoying, but Tennessee nodded with a dry expression.

Yes! Tomorrow was Friday, so he would see Tennessee as soon as the day after tomorrow. No, maybe he should just go right after school on Friday?

“Then where are you going after a month?”

“I’m not sure. I’m thinking of looking for a job here.”

His heart suddenly floating, Amber forced a shackle upon it to pull it back down. He struggled to calm his racing heart.

The thought of Tennessee returning—it felt more precious and valuable than any gift he had received on Christmas or his adoption anniversary.

In the future Amber imagined, there was no one by Tennessee’s side. Even in the secret future he drew alone in private, Amber did not dare to exist beside Tennessee.

He didn’t expect them to become any particular kind of relationship. He simply thought that if Tennessee were under the same sky as him, and if they could meet and contact each other often, that would be enough. Because he had lived on a land that was desperate and lacking for so long, Amber was grateful for even a few drops of rain.

Amber waved his hand slowly. A goodbye that was only for a moment. Only for a moment. Those words held a special power.

“Amber.”

A low voice sounded behind Amber’s back.

‘Didn’t you miss me?’

It was because that question, which felt like a plea, had surfaced in Tennessee’s mind.

“Why do you think I went through all this trouble to drop you off?”

“……Because you were worried about me.”

“Right. Now you know.”

It was the maximum expression of affection Tennessee could manage.

“I know. If I were truly a nuisance, you would have told me to stop clinging and just get lost. Because Tennessee is that kind of morally bankrupt human being.”

At this, Tennessee raised an eyebrow for a moment. Perhaps because he had received a high-level education at a private school, Amber’s causticness had evolved and was now shining brilliantly.

After that, Amber continued to sneer about how mean, indifferent, and cold Tennessee’s personality was. Tennessee didn’t even respond, finding it absurd. If a little more time passed, Amber might have developed a tongue like a blade.

Tennessee realized he had been swept up in that causticness right after he handed over his contact information to Amber. Since it was a number he would only use for a month anyway, it didn’t matter, but he ended up even telling him the times he was available to be contacted, defeated by Amber’s tone of “Isn’t it obvious you should give it to me?”

Amber hurried into the house as if Tennessee might snatch the number back. It was just a single phone number, but for some reason, Tennessee couldn’t shake the feeling that he had been ‘beaten.’

Well, it wasn’t bad.

Amber’s nape, which was usually white as snow, was exceptionally red today.

* * *

Before class started, Amber stopped by his locker.

While packing the textbooks he needed to take, someone tapped him on the shoulder from behind.

It was Callie, a girl in his grade. They took art class together, so their eyes met occasionally. No, every time he happened to glance her way, their eyes always met. Whenever that happened, Callie would naturally avoid his gaze, as if making an excuse that she hadn’t been staring at him.

“Hi, Ryker.”

“Hi.”

Since they had exchanged greetings, he tried to get back to what he was doing, but Callie continued.

“Ryker, my parents are going to be away this weekend. So I’m throwing a party, what do you think? Do you want to come?”

Amber often received invitations like this. However, he had no desire to go to pool parties, summer camps, or hang out after school.

14 – Chapter

To be honest, Amber was sick and tired of the reality of being trapped in school, knowing he had several more years of it ahead of him. He felt a sense of disillusionment toward his peers—and his own childish self—who were obsessed with gossip about who slept with whom or who did what with whom.

He had someone he needed to chase. Amber felt a sense of deprivation knowing that while he was peacefully attending classes, Tennessee might be in a situation where he was shot and hovering between life and death.

Whenever he felt the reality of his status as a student, Amber felt as if there were a cliff between him and Tennessee. A distance that could never be closed by running. A back that seemed almost reachable, yet remained forever out of grasp.

And yet, he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out. He was so desperate it felt as if tears would burst forth at any moment. A pitiful and futile game of tag.

“No, I can’t this weekend.”

“Can I ask why?”

Is this how I appear to Tennessee? Amber was afraid. And at the same time, he found himself empathizing with the other person.

“I have prior plans. I’m planning to go to Chicago.”

“I see.”

Callie smiled, though she looked crestfallen. She was a kind girl. She tried her best not to show how much the repeated rejections hurt her. Amber saw his own reflection in the girl’s attitude. So, Amber spoke impulsively.

“Callie. I’m gay.”

“……Huh?”

Callie couldn’t hide her bewildered expression.

“You’re the first person I’ve told. Because it seems like you like me. I’m sorry if I misunderstood.”

Then, Amber adjusted the strap of his zipped bag.

“Whether you tell other people or not, I’ll leave that choice to you.”

Callie couldn’t find the words. Confusion and embarrassment were starkly evident on her face. However, Callie shook her head. It seemed to mean she wouldn’t tell.

Liking Tennessee wasn’t something to be ashamed of, but Amber didn’t want to be the subject of unnecessary gossip. With a faint smile, Amber turned around. Suddenly, his shoulder was grabbed. Someone yanked him back. With a thud, he was slammed against a locker. His back throbbed from the impact.

“Ryker, you little shit, you were gay all along?”

Amber couldn’t hide his irritation. It was Tyler and his gang. They hung around together, bullying kids smaller than them. Tyler was an 8th grader, but he was tall. Amber recalled hearing that he played football. Tyler wore a nasty smile, as if he had discovered a delightful piece of leverage.

“Hey! Did you hear?! This piece of shit is gay!”

Tyler hadn’t always been like this. At the beginning of the semester, Amber had declined a few invitations to hang out, and Tyler seemed to have taken those rejections quite personally. Amber violently shook off Tyler’s hand.

“So you were a homo after all.”

“Don’t be too happy, Tyler. I have eyes, so I could never date you.”

A few of Tyler’s friends let out a snicker before pulling their lips back in.

“You’ve been hiding it well all this time?”

“Didn’t you notice and that’s why you hit on me so hard?”

You practically begged me to hang out with you.

As Amber sneered, Tyler, unable to contain his rage, shoved Amber hard. However, because the difference in their build wasn’t that great, Amber didn’t move much.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t return your feelings, Tyler.”

Tyler’s face turned beet red, and his voice grew louder.

“A little homo, how pathetic, Ryker? Do you think anyone will ever show up to plug your ass?”

Amber smiled.

“Tyler, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean Vanessa is going to start liking you.”

Unable to take it anymore, Tyler raised his fist.

* * *

“Suspension is ridiculous! Ryker was only defending himself!”

Elizabeth’s shrill voice leaked out of the principal’s office. Sitting in a chair, Amber licked his lips.

The morning’s commotion had ended dishonorably for Tyler. The hallway had been soaked in blood. Amber had broken Tyler’s nasal bone. To top it off, Tyler had lost two teeth.

Though he played sports, Tyler was a student who had grown up pampered, attending only private schools. He was fundamentally different in mindset from Amber, who had grown up being hit by all sorts of people and had to fiercely protect himself.

With a bruised cheekbone and a torn lip, Amber shook his leg anxiously. He didn’t even think about the students who looked at him with disgusted expressions.

His primary concern was that Elizabeth might ground him because of this incident, preventing him from seeing Tennessee over the weekend. No, if that happened, he intended to steal a car and go, just like yesterday.

“This is discrimination. All the students heard Tyler making homophobic slurs.”

“Mrs. Dexley, our school discourages all forms of hate. We have strict disciplinary measures for hate speech, but you should have seen that hallway. Blood was splattered all over the lockers… that was clearly excessive force.”

Hearing that much, Amber retreated to the restroom.

Breathing heavily, he suddenly looked in the mirror. A bruised face, a torn lip—a face that looked fragile. He couldn’t seem more powerless. A child who didn’t even have the right to handle the mess he had made himself.