By Zephyria 
Could it be that I lured him into bed thinking his heart would cool down after one time, only to find myself unexpectedly falling for him and unable to escape…?
I let out a small chuckle, lightly entertaining the playful thought before brushing it away.
Surely that couldn’t be the case, but I was undeniably aroused. My original purpose in bringing him to the hotel was solely to shatter his clumsy admiration and maintain a comfortable relationship like we’d always had. For that goal, I had come today intending to simply serve him in bed, but it seemed this would not end as a one-sided service.
“Chi-young, …do you like it here? Tell me where it feels good.”
I asked, knowing full well that no answer would come. There was no way a man who looked like he was about to cry, his face turning bright red just from having his buttocks stroked casually, could answer such a thing.
Sure enough, even now, as I lightly bit his collarbone and let my lips slide downward, he trembled violently, keeping his mouth shut tight as if refusing to utter a single word.
A body that flinched every time our skin brushed. A body flushed a lovely peach hue. Arms that wrapped around my neck in a clumsy attempt to respond to me.
All of it was heightening my desire. Even this absurdly sensitive reaction, where his glans began to dampen slightly from just a few moments of foreplay without me even touching his genitals.
“…Are you okay? How did you do this with other people in the past?”
I asked him, but my question didn’t seem to reach his ears. Watching him tremble with his eyes squeezed shut, I gave up on hearing an answer—not that I had particularly expected one from the start—and stroked his body.
As my lips traced their way down his frame, he smelled wonderful. The scent, a mix of soap and his own natural musk, felt somehow peaceful and pleasant, so I rubbed the tip of my nose against his chest. Then, at some point, my lips brushed against his nipple, and naturally, I teased it with a light bite.
In that instant, a moan escaped him.
“…”
A sudden heat rushed to my lower body. In that sensation of blood pooling so intensely it felt ridiculous, I thought of only one thing.
I wanted to hear more.
That sweet, trembling voice; that tear-streaked voice pleading with clear desire—I wanted to hear more of it. That tone that made me ache just by the sound of it.
And so, feeling as if I were about to lose my own grip on reason, I struggled to hide my anxiously pulsing desire as I frantically explored his body.
A thought flashed through my mind that it felt as if someone had poured a drug into my brain. His flushed body, which didn’t just tremble but flinched repeatedly; the tearful moans that burst out with every movement; the gasping breath of someone who didn’t know what to do; the hot body heat of him clinging tightly to my neck—all of these seemed to be precariously testing my self-control.
And so, amidst that heightened pleasure, I felt a vague sense of regret. That such a sweet sensation would end here.
With that thought, I indulged in him, as if feverish, until the moment he reached his climax.
…Actually, I hadn’t intended for things to go this way.
Although I liked Chi-young very much and was aware of that fact, I had never once considered sleeping with him after learning that he liked me. No, rather, I didn’t want to.
In truth, “admiration” is not such a grand emotion. Moreover, admiration that exists in a relationship where people aren’t close enough to truly know each other is, needless to say, the most fragile, glass-like of all affections. A delusion grown unilaterally according to one’s own hopes, based on a few fragmentary facts, can be easily shattered by a single light gesture.
So, I thought that if we actually slept together, his admiration would vanish. I believed that his watery gaze would fade, and we would continue a relationship as truly comfortable friends.
And so, after we had sex and I relieved his desire.
“You wanted to dampen my feelings.”
The moment he said that, I felt as if I had been doused in cold water.
It was the answer I received after I had lightly told him that once you actually do it, it’s no big deal, regardless of who it’s with.
However, I had no choice but to say those words. I had actually thought that way until then, and I had intended to persuade him by saying so. But in that moment, more than anything, I had to say those words for my own sake.
Because I unexpectedly liked the time I spent having a relationship with this man so much that I felt anxious at the thought of it ending with this one time, I spoke those words to talk myself down.
But as I faced him, seeing his large eyes widen even further as if he had received a light shock, I suddenly felt like a terrible idiot who had made an absurd mistake.
After staring at me in silence for a while, he whispered calmly, neither angry nor sad. That what I had done was because I wanted to dampen his feelings.
Only then did I realize how much of an overstep I had attempted. How childish and foolish it had been.
I had no choice but to follow him as he rushed out of the hotel in bewilderment and walked aimlessly. I didn’t know how long or how far he would walk, but I had to follow. Somewhere inside me, a warning echoed that I must. If I didn’t, I would surely regret it later.
It was easy to catch up to him as he walked a few paces ahead. In fact, when he stopped at a crosswalk or something similar, I stood right behind him. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him as he stared straight ahead without once looking back.
When will he look back? When will he speak to me?
Everything depended on him. Feeling poignantly that I was in a situation where I had no choice, I followed him silently.
And finally, when we reached a bridge over a pitch-black river.
‘I’ve never wanted something that wasn’t mine.’
He spoke quietly. As if recalling a dawn scenery he had seen long ago, he gazed blankly at the end of the dark road where the train had disappeared.
And then, when he finally said, “I like you,” I felt ashamed. He, calmly revealing his heart, already knew he would be rejected. Despite that, he did not deceive or hide his feelings, but quietly laid them bare.
I cannot describe how ashamed I felt, nor how envious.
My own tattered heart, where I had kept my feelings buried for the person I liked, only occasionally pulling out a corner under the guise of a joke before quickly stuffing it back in, smelled only of dust. His heart, though it had stagnated for many years, had not rotted but remained transparent and clear.
That clumsy, awkward person who couldn’t say a harsh word to anyone and was just dragged along was, in fact, a much more mature and stronger person than I was.
Walking toward his house with him, who had accepted my rejection as calmly as he had confessed, I prayed inwardly. That I could continue to move forward with this man following right behind me forever.
Thinking back, it might have been thanks to that person.
The flow of events was independent of my will, but the actions I chose within those situations were perhaps due to the memories of that person that had accumulated so insignificantly, I thought later.
My emotions were too old, and every time I recalled them, they smelled of acrid dust. It felt as if they had now become crisp and dried up, leaving behind only the memories of withered emotions without any hope or expectation.
It seemed my thoughts and emotions were different. I thought my heart, which had been creaking for decades, would simply stop upon hearing a firm rejection, but unexpectedly, I was calm.
On the day before Kwon Kang-hee’s wedding, walking through the pouring rain at night after leaving Jun-young and Kang-hee behind, I was surprised that I didn’t feel as miserable as I had vaguely imagined. Rather, I felt a sense of relief, as if the thick layers of dust that had accumulated for so long were being washed away by the rain, and I ended up with a bitter smile.
Thinking about what must be happening between the two of them right now, my heart didn’t exactly feel light, but truly, sincerely, I walked while praying for their happiness.
Listening to the sound of footsteps following quietly behind me.
Step, step. A gait so quiet it couldn’t be heard without listening closely followed a few paces behind, maintaining a constant distance. My heartbeat slowed as if syncing with the peaceful, regular footsteps.
I felt strangely at ease. As if I had finally found my path.
Suddenly, I laughed.
The person following behind me right now must have a gloomy expression. They must be walking while staring at the ground with those large eyes, thinking about how hurt I must be, how much my heart must be aching.
Yes. This person is still here.
Someone with whom I could talk about the heartbreak of my life with a light heart, grumbling without heaviness. Someone who would be sadder than I was on my behalf, for the heart I had suffered with for so long, instead of me, who unexpectedly found it neither that hard nor sad.
Only then did it suddenly occur to me.
I have finished whatever role was given to me. I thought that.
That I had finally finished whatever role I had been assigned in their relationship. That I would no longer suffer by interfering between them.
Now, I could simply return to the position of being their closest friend. In that place that had been mine from the start, I could now watch them with a comfortable and relaxed heart.
With this person, too.
Though I felt somewhat distant from the effortless friends I had been close with for so long, like Jun-young or Kang-hee, I would walk through time with this person, who felt just as close to me.
The position of being in the closest spot among them had been given to me.
That alone was enough.
I felt a deep gratitude toward no one in particular. To whoever might have been the stepping stone that allowed me to meet them—my friends, and also this man.
Strangely, my throat kept feeling parched. I didn’t remember eating anything particularly salty. I hadn’t felt this way until a moment ago, but I’d been thirsty since then. I wondered if the food served here was salty, but for the most part, I’d had almost nothing but cocktails since entering.
I clicked my tongue.
“Doesn’t it feel a bit dry in here? My lips keep drying out.”
When I grumbled, the friend sitting next to me—a man I’d become acquainted with from frequenting this bar in the past, rather than a friend in the literal sense—shrugged.
“Really? I’m fine. Here, drink some water.”
I took the glass of water he offered, but I put it back down after only a couple of sips. Now that I’d drunk it, I wasn’t actually that thirsty. Yet, strangely, my lips felt like they were continuing to dry out.
“Haha, look at Ui-geon’s friend. He’s frozen, totally frozen. He’s not the type to come to places like this, is he? Man… you really brought him to the right place. If he’d accidentally walked into a dangerous shop like that, what would’ve happened?”
As I quietly wiped my lips with my thumb while putting down the water glass, the friend next to me suddenly let out a low laugh. I reflexively turned my head.
Chi-young, sitting at the bar, was indeed frozen stiff, as the friend had said, to the point where it was obvious even from a distance. And beside him, a man had already taken a seat, resting his hand affectionately on Chi-young’s arm.
“Looks like Dae-won has his eye on Ui-geon’s friend.”
Another friend sitting across from me laughed as if it were amusing and picked up a piece of fruit. I see, I replied quietly and lifted my glass. For some reason, I couldn’t really taste the alcohol. I had always thought the drinks made by the bartender here were top-tier, but I wondered if they tasted bad today, or if the skill had dropped during the time I hadn’t visited.
“Dae-won… what kind of person is he?”
I asked the friend who seemed to know the man.
“Hmm? Oh, he’s been coming here for a while. Didn’t you see his face a few times, Ui-geon?”
I smiled bitterly and tilted my head, saying I’d only seen his face.
Literally, I remembered seeing his face a few times. But in a place like this, where people come with clear purposes, I had almost no reason to talk to a man with the same sexual orientation as me, so we had hardly spoken. He was the same; though we had exchanged nods a few times, he never went out of his way to talk to me.
I stared intently at the man who had taken my place the moment I moved to the table, having spent the entire time since entering the shop staring at Chi-young.
“Is he a decent person?”
“Ahaha. Why, are you worried about your friend?”
“Of course. I brought a naive person who doesn’t know how things work around here; how could I not be worried?”
As I sighed and laughed half-jokingly, the friend, who had been laughing for a while, waved his hand as if telling me not to worry.
“He’s fine, Dae-won. His background is solid. I think he’s someone famous in interior design. I heard he was interviewed in some magazine recently. Just looking at him, he seems like a good person. He has good manners, a good personality, and besides, I heard he’s good at that too.”
At the friend’s words, accompanied by a subtle glance toward the lower body and a smirk, I nodded, saying, I see. It seemed there was nothing to worry about. Indeed, if he’s the kind of person the bartender speaks of familiarly, there’s nothing to worry about. So, I should have just relaxed and ignored them and minded my own business, yet for some reason, I kept feeling suspicious.
I knew myself that there was no basis for this suspicious feeling. And yet, somehow, for some reason, that man just didn’t seem right. I didn’t like anything about him. Would it be okay to leave that clumsy, gentle person to a man like that? I felt uneasy. It didn’t seem right.
“Wow, looks like Dae-won is making a real move,” the friends muttered, as if watching an interesting spectacle, while I remained silently tight-lipped.
Beneath the man’s friendly smiling face, I saw the hand that had been stroking Chi-young’s arm slide stealthily down to his waist. I could clearly see Chi-young’s profile from a distance as he flinched in surprise. With a face frozen in bewilderment, not knowing what to do, Chi-young seemed to look at me for a moment. The man approached that face, which had been looking at me with that look of being about to cry every now and then. Chi-young’s figure was hidden as the man pressed his lips close, as if whispering something in his ear.
“…”
Only after the faint sound of the glass being scratched did I realize I was gripping it too hard. Why are you the one who’s nervous? I muttered inwardly and clicked my tongue.
As I put the glass down, tasting bitterness, the friend who suddenly glanced at me raised an eyebrow in curiosity.
“Why that face? Are you that worried? I told you Dae-won is a decent guy. Just enjoy the show.”
“If it were a stranger, I’d enjoy the show, but since it’s my friend’s problem, I can’t feel at ease.”
When I muttered bitterly, the friend let out a scoff of disbelief. Yes, it was understandable. I would find it absurd too.
“Why are you saying things that aren’t like you, Ui-geon? It’s not like you brought a child; you should let him handle his own business.”
And those words were also correct.
I didn’t answer. No, actually, I wanted to refute it, but I had nothing to say, so I couldn’t answer.
“Oh, I guess Ui-geon’s friend looks gentle but is unexpectedly not so ordinary,” the friend said with a laugh. Over the friend’s shoulder, I saw Chi-young heading toward the restroom with a troubled expression.
“No, that person definitely didn’t go in that sense.”
I sighed and waved my hand. There were often cases where people would gesture toward the restroom and leave when they intended to seduce the other or felt “that way,” but I would bet on it right now. That he had no such intention.
“But Dae-won is following him.”
“…”
I know that man has no such intentions, but others might not. “Whatever, I heard Mr. Daewon is good at leading beginners,” a friend muttered nonchalantly beside me, but his words didn’t even register.
When I came to my senses, I was heading toward the restroom. I heard sounds of clicking tongues behind me, saying, “Where are you going? Don’t get in the way for no reason,” but I didn’t look back. He’s not a child; they can just leave him be. Besides, they said he’s a decent person. Whether it works out or not isn’t my concern. That is Chi-young’s share to deal with. Even as I repeated this to myself dozens of times, I couldn’t stop my steps toward the restroom. As if possessed by a ghost, I clicked my tongue at my own strangeness, wondering why I was doing this, yet I couldn’t turn around.
Finally, after whispering to myself a hundred times and still unable to stop my hand, I reached out and opened the restroom door.
The moment I opened it, the first thing that entered my sight was that man kissing Chi-young.
Though they pulled apart almost immediately, as if it had only been a brief moment, my mind went cold in an instant. Nevertheless, something hot surged in my chest, and I clenched my jaw, barely swallowing that hot lump.
Soon, Chi-young noticed me and froze with wide eyes. Overlaid upon his face was the expression he had worn just moments ago—the look of someone who seemed on the verge of tears while staring at me. Simultaneously, I realized that I was the one who had created this situation.
…What an idiot.
A wave of self-loathing surged for no reason. I felt as though I had done something incredibly stupid. I didn’t know exactly what it was, but the thought pierced my mind with such clarity that I hurled curses at myself.
“I’m thinking of heading back now; do you want to come with me? We’re going the same way anyway, so I’ll give you a ride if you’re leaving. Or if you want to stay a bit longer, go ahead.”
I spat out words I hadn’t even considered a minute ago, yet I felt that these words managed to make up for today’s idiocy, if only by a fraction. The moment he heard them, a sense of relief, almost like he was about to cry, spread across Chi-young’s face.
At the same time, for some reason, my own heart felt a weight lift.
Like finally picking up a child who had been left by the water’s edge.
Walking a step ahead, I scolded myself, wondering what on earth I had done today. I hadn’t done a single thing right. I failed to help Chi-young meet a decent person—perhaps I had even hindered him—but no matter how much I thought about it, that man seemed somehow distasteful, so I felt no regret. I also failed to properly reassure the anxious Chi-young.
Today was truly a waste of a trip.
As we left the bar and returned in the car, I stole a glance at Chi-young. In his profile as he gazed blankly out the window, there was no longer any trace of anxiety or fragility. Instead, a comfortable sense of relief seemed to flicker, as if his tension had finally dissipated.
Beside me.
He sat comfortably and at ease, without an anxious or bewildered look. Sensing my gaze, Chi-young turned his head slightly. Our eyes met in the mirror. The moment they did, he blinked with a slightly awkward and shy expression, as he always did, and then softly averted his gaze.
Only then, seeing that familiar sight, did my heart slowly unwind, and I let out a silent sigh with an unconscious chuckle.
After finally finishing my business and returning to the annex under construction, Chi-young was nowhere to be seen. Since I had told him to look around the house, I walked forward, assuming he would be somewhere inside.
While I was moving materials, I saw a worker carefully rubbing a tiny, thread-like scratch on a pillar of the annex with fine sandpaper and a cloth, staring at it with intense focus. When I asked him if he knew where a stranger who had been lingering around here had gone, he answered abruptly without even looking at me.
“You mean that bright-looking young kid who was walking around picking up trash earlier? I think he went toward the main house. I don’t know anyone else.”
“…I think that’s the person I’m looking for. Thank you.”
I gave a bitter smile and turned toward the main house.
I didn’t think there would be any other “bright-looking young kid picking up trash” in this house besides Chi-young. Since everything would be cleaned up thoroughly once construction ended, I had walked these paths without much thought, but now I found myself picking up one or two small pieces of trash that caught my eye. I could vividly imagine Chi-young diligently picking up litter, and I let out a chuckle.
It was such a trivial thing, but it was so characteristic of Chi-young that I couldn’t stop smiling.
He was the kind of person who seemed like someone you could meet normally in daily life, yet was surprisingly hard to find. Especially for someone who had lived a difficult life, it wouldn’t be easy to be like that, but he was truly upright. He was very shy, yet mature, though at times his expressions were exactly like a child’s. But he was consistently steadfast. He was like someone plucked straight from a first-grade elementary school textbook on proper living.
There were times when it was almost absurd, but once when I asked, “Is there a need to go that far?” he blinked those large eyes in bewilderment and asked back, “…Then how should I do it?” looking troubled. After that, I decided to keep my mouth shut. For him, that wasn’t one of several options, but the only natural response.
But I liked it.
How could anyone not like such an upright human being?
The door to the main house came into view. I had closed it when I left earlier, but seeing it open by a hand’s breadth, it seemed Chi-young was in there, just as the worker had said.
Realizing that a smile was blooming unconsciously, I slowed my pace. I lightly tapped my heart, which was suddenly throbbing with a heavy ache.
Lately, it’s been like this sometimes. No, often. It was strange.
When I thought of that man, my heart would unwind languidly, and I would smile for no reason. While working, progressing with construction, and preparing to open the shop, I often had nerve wars with suppliers and clashed with people, but on those nights, I always made sure to visit Chi-young’s shop. Because I knew that seeing his welcoming face and hearing his shy “Welcome,” I could feel the tension accumulated throughout the day languidly dissolve.
I don’t know what this emotion is. Rather than a close friend, it’s more like a mother, or…
But as I thought of a fitting word, I let out a short laugh at the absurdity of it.
Having reached the door to the main house, I stopped. It wasn’t for any other reason than a sudden memory of the morning. The moment that memory surfaced, I unconsciously frowned and clicked my tongue. I rubbed my palm over my face, which had taken on a troubled look.
I had a strange dream.
Actually, I didn’t remember the contents of the dream exactly. Only vague, fragmented memories flickered. However, I remembered that those fragmentary images were all raw content that couldn’t easily be spoken of in front of others.
And.
To a point that was truly absurd to myself.
When I woke up in the morning, my underwear was drenched. In fact, it was so heavily soaked it was as if I had ejaculated several times, and my penis, which would normally be only half-erect, was fully upright and protruding. Immediately after waking, I stared at my crotch for a long time and let out a hollow laugh of disbelief.
How old am I? At this age.
This is something I can’t tell anyone out of embarrassment. No, I thought it might at least be a story to laugh about over drinks as a side dish.
Laughing absurdly, I tapped my still-throbbing penis with my fingertip, muttering, “You rascal, what kind of good dream did you have to spill this much?” But in the next moment, that smile vanished completely. A glimpse of the dream’s content had flashed through my mind.
The person who had seduced me in that messy, erotic dream was…
“…”
It’s impossible.
I clicked my tongue.
Even in a dream, I had never once thought of treating that person in such a manner. That person was someone who should always be treated preciously, like the most valuable friend one could meet in life.
“I really can’t tell anyone about this even if I die…”
I gave a bitter smile, shook my head, and entered the main house.
Without even needing to look, I could find him sitting alone on the porch of the main house. I was about to call his name with a smile, but I paused.
Perhaps he had fallen into a nap; he was sitting with his head leaning against a pillar, eyes closed. Amidst the dazzlingly pouring light.
Sparkling.
It was blinding.
In the golden sunlight descending brilliantly over his head, it felt as if he might simply melt away.
“…”
I couldn’t move an inch. I stood there as if nailed to the spot, staring at him without even blinking.
He opened his closed eyes. Perhaps because of the sound of birds, he tilted his head toward the sky, and though there was no way he could see the birds crying beyond the roof, he smiled softly. That face, with the smile still lingering, suddenly turned its gaze toward me. Our eyes met.
In that instant, my heart dropped.
I didn’t know what kind of face I was making. I felt as though I was making a very strange expression. I hoped desperately, for no reason, that it wasn’t a terribly unsightly or disappointing face.
Blinking slowly while gazing at me, he gradually smiled. As he asked if I had finished my work, I slowly approached and sat beside him. I didn’t know what I was saying or if I was even responding properly. It felt as if a corner of my mind had simply stopped.
“…I think falling for someone happens in a single moment.”
When he spoke quietly after looking around the main house and then down at the inner courtyard, my heart dropped once again.
“Or perhaps things that have been piling up suddenly overflow like water, and you realize it all at once…”
“I’ve never once thought that I liked traditional houses until now,” he added in a calm voice that, strangely, pierced my ears with clarity.
Strange.
I quietly tapped my chest so he wouldn’t notice.
It was somehow very strange. The heart throbbing irregularly. The mind that felt as if it had stopped. The heat that suddenly wrapped around my body, making it feel humid.
Unable to look at him directly, I gazed down at the inner courtyard for a while, and only after some time passed did I turn my gaze to him and smile calmly. I gave appropriate responses without even knowing what I was saying.
This time, I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
My fingertips felt as if they were trembling from a faint, flickering sense of nervousness.
It was a very strange feeling, one I was experiencing for the first time in my life.
The sound of quiet, regular breathing was audible right beside me. From somewhere far off, the thin cry of a cat could be heard. Perhaps it was the cat Chi-young had fed earlier.
With eyes accustomed to the dark, I stared quietly at the ceiling. The ceiling, which was the same width as the floor, looked slightly wider than the floor, which was cramped with objects and furniture. Even so, it was a narrow area of only a few pyeong.
However, I thought that being narrow wasn’t so bad. Chi-young was lying close to the dresser against the opposite wall, but because the room was small, our arms were touching. I stole a glance at the wall opposite where Chi-young lay. There was a gap of a hand or two between the clothes rack and me. If I moved that far over, we could sleep without our arms bumping into each other.
“…”
I didn’t want to move. I didn’t want to move away from the warmth already embedded in the bedding.
I let out a quiet sigh.
I couldn’t sleep.
I don’t particularly like it when my sleeping environment changes, but I’m not that sensitive, yet I couldn’t sleep. The low, steady sound of breathing beside me continued to tickle my hearing.
I looked at Chi-young, who was asleep beside me with his eyes closed and breathing steadily. Chi-young also seemed unable to fall asleep easily until earlier; he had turned off the light, then got up from bed to talk with me for a while, and after lying back down just a moment ago, he had fallen asleep quickly.
Suddenly, a pleasant scent wafted over. I realized after a moment that it was the scent coming from Chi-young’s hair, which was scattered briefly over the blanket. I very slowly tilted my head and pressed my nose against those strands of hair.
“…”
With a slightly lingering feeling of regret, I brushed back my own hair. I touched my hair quietly, but it didn’t feel the same as before. When Chi-young touched my hair—to be precise, when he rummaged through it looking for white hairs—it felt incredibly warm and comfortable.
I wanted to stay like that.
Over my face as I lay with eyes closed, I felt the breath of the man who had been staring intently at my hair. That steady breath was ticklish just enough to feel good. Just like the fingers that stroked my hair. When the hand that had been stroking my hair for a while finally pulled away, I felt a momentary sense of emptiness. It was the first time I felt it was a pity that there were no white hairs.
I tugged at my jet-black hair and let out a chuckle. But suddenly, that smile faded.
—What do you think it would be like if you had someone precious?
—I think I’d want to do everything for them.
I remembered the voice whispering as if embarrassed.
If I had someone precious.
I withdrew the hand that had been stroking my hair and turned my gaze back to Chi-young.
—It would be great if I could meet such a person soon. You too, Mr. Ui-geon.
The face that had smiled shyly while whispering those words also flashed through my mind along with the voice.
He seemed like he would truly be kind. If he had someone precious, he would do his best with all his heart, doing everything he could, and pour his sincerity into the other person without reservation.
And then, I realized a very obvious fact anew.
That person is not me.
“…”
The drowsiness that had been approaching languidly vanished instantly.
Right. That’s correct. That’s a natural fact that doesn’t even need to be thought about. It was stranger that I had even brought such a thought to mind.
I pressed and rubbed over my heart. For some reason, it felt like it was throbbing. But when I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, my heart didn’t actually hurt. My heart, my body, everything was perfectly fine. And yet, lately, I often felt as if my heart hurt like that. Just like now.
“…Chi-young. Are you asleep?”
I whispered in a voice so small that it was barely audible even to my own ears. He didn’t move. I tilted my head closer to him. Over his cheek, the eyelashes were casting shadows in the faint light coming from outside. I wanted to touch them once, but I felt he would surely wake up if I did, so I just stared blankly at those shadows.
“Chi-young. Lately, I’m a bit strange. I don’t really know why, but anyway, I’m a bit strange. …What do you think?”
This time, I muttered slightly louder than before, but still so softly that it was hard for even me to understand. Then, I let out a sigh of my own and shut my mouth.
What kind of foolish thing is this, Jang Ui-geon.
I clicked my tongue at myself.
Then, I quietly rubbed over my heart, which felt faintly painful, or perhaps not. The stinging, tingling sensation was very unfamiliar, and I didn’t know why it was happening. Sometimes when I looked at Chi-young, I felt a vague, very abstract sense that I might know something, but it was such a brief moment that the feeling would disappear before I could grasp a clue.
I clicked my tongue again and quietly rubbed over my heart.
The image of him looking as if he might melt in the sparkling sunlight came to mind.
I gazed blankly at Chi-young.
In the pitch-black room where only the faint light of a distant streetlight entered, his figure appeared to my eyes accustomed to the dark.
Even though it couldn’t be so in this darkness, perhaps because the image in my memory overlapped with his current appearance, his closed eyelids, the straight bridge of his nose, and his soft cheeks seemed to sparkle faintly. Finding this incredibly fascinating, I unconsciously reached out my hand. I tried to stroke that cheek, but I stopped just before my fingertips touched.
“…”
For some reason, I felt I shouldn’t touch him. I felt that if I did, I wouldn’t be able to pull my hand away without stroking everything from his cheek to the bridge of his nose, his eyelids, and his lips. However, unable to simply withdraw my hand, I hesitated for a while and held my hand close to his face, almost touching.
His breath touched my palm.
The moment that breath, tickling my palm softly and warmly, touched me, I unconsciously flinched. My heart raced once again.
I stared silently at my palm. Naturally, there was nothing there; my hand was empty. Something warm and pleasant had definitely touched me just a moment ago, but now, there was nothing.
Suddenly.
I felt a suffocating sense of greed.
A desire to reclaim what had touched my hand surged up, so fierce and violent that it surprised even me. I wanted something that, once it entered my grasp, I would never let go of again.
Whatever it might be.
Whether it was a small, soft breath, dazzlingly sparkling sunlight, or a shadow cast over a dark cheek.
I had to hold it in my hand. Otherwise, I felt as though I wouldn’t know what to do with this throbbing, aching heart.
Fin.