By Zephyria 
The sound of someone’s presence was heard from outside. In the pitch-black night approaching dawn, the sound of footsteps returning home finally reached the window. “Yeah, I’m almost home. I’m at the door. Yeah, see you Saturday. Love you.” A soft, whispering voice entered the room quite clearly.
The voice, having finished a call with a lover, soon disappeared into the building. Seo Chi-young, who had just turned off the lights and lay down to sleep, blinked his heavy eyes in the darkness. His body was as tired as water-soaked cotton, but for some reason, sleep did not come easily.
The soft voice whispering love, the shy and joyful tone calling a lover—things that would normally pass by casually lingered unusually in his ears.
“……..”
I wonder what that feels like, Seo Chi-young thought.
He had never had a lover. It couldn’t be helped. Being a man who liked men was difficult enough in itself. The probability was so low that one couldn’t even expect a chance encounter; to meet someone of the same kind, one had to find and visit places where they often gathered or rely on the closed spaces of the internet.
However, regardless of the method, it required time and effort, and Seo Chi-young’s life was not affluent enough to allow for such efforts to find a lover. No, he had lived so breathlessly that the very idea of a lover or dating had no room to even enter his mind.
Perhaps his body had become accustomed to this lifestyle, or perhaps he had passed the age where such things fade, but his nature, which had always been plain, didn’t feel much desire. Whenever a sudden urge arose, handling it himself was sufficient.
But on quiet, sleepless nights like this, he sometimes wondered. Will it pass like this? Forever. Walking entirely alone. Loneliness came in fits, suffocating him. After the delicate times like glass had passed and the days began to see his green youth slowly recede, the slowly and dully pulsing emotion occasionally cried out like a scream, I am still alive.
Seo Chi-young looked at the wall clock with eyes accustomed to the dark. The clock, illuminated by the dim light outside the window, pointed to a time past 3 AM.
Seo Chi-young let out a quiet sigh. He had to sleep soon to start tomorrow lightly. Tomorrow morning, he had to stop by the bank and visit the building owner, so he had to leave a bit earlier than usual. The owner’s house was located further in from the old building where Seo Chi-young’s shop was.
At the end of every month, he would visit in person to express his gratitude and hand over the rent in an envelope.
The landlord had a prickly personality and often found fault with things, but it wasn’t easy to find another place that rented for that price, and thanks to his own easygoing nature, Seo Chi-young had remained in that spot for several years, despite previous tenants having changed frequently because of the owner.
Seo Chi-young closed his eyes, recalling the tasks he had to do tomorrow morning one by one. He thought he should sleep, but perhaps because of that thought, sleep eluded him even more.
In the distance, the muffled sounds of two people talking passed by. He couldn’t hear what they were saying, but he could tell the atmosphere was casually friendly. Whether they were family, friends, or lovers.
He had friends, but he was too busy surviving to meet them. His family was far away, and it had been a long time since he’d seen them. And he had no lover.
“…….”
He had hardly had such thoughts, but lately, he had been feeling this way more often. That he was lonely.
He knew the reason. It was because he kept watching the gaze of someone who desperately held another in their heart. Perhaps he had been infected by their sentimentality.
Today, too.
Yoon Jun-young had visited the shop. And Jang Ui-geon, who had been coming around the neighborhood more frequently lately while preparing to open a new shop, usually accompanied him whenever Yoon Jun-young visited. Even when they didn’t come together, if Yoon Jun-young sat alone eating gopchang, Jang Ui-geon would arrive later, either by prior appointment or by some other means of knowing.
Kwon Kang-hee had not come since then. While he might be mentioned in passing, he was never the main topic of their conversation, and even as Seo Chi-young became close enough to them—now practically regulars—to chat occasionally, he never brought up Kwon Kang-hee.
‘I should look for a place to live around here. My mother’s been looking at me with such sharp eyes that yesterday she finally said she didn’t want to live in the same house as a grown son who won’t get married.’
Complaining that she wanted to kick him out, Jang Ui-geon suddenly smiled at Yoon Jun-young, who was indifferently chewing gopchang beside him.
‘It would be great if you could just give me one room in your house. Since the new shop I’m looking for is within walking distance from here, it’d be perfect.’
‘Your Auntie knows you’re gay; try rolling into my house. I don’t want to be misunderstood by my Auntie.’
‘I’m telling you, my mother would like you—and even if I’m bi, not gay—.’
‘I don’t want to. I’d rather remain as Auntie’s clever and kind Jun-young.’
The words coming from such an indifferent face were funny. Listening to their conversation while sitting at the counter, Seo Chi-young, who was stir-frying gopchang for the other customers in the back of the shop, smiled broadly. Even though he didn’t make a sound, Jang Ui-geon noticed he was smiling and looked over. To Seo Chi-young, who awkwardly let his smile fade, Jang Ui-geon spoke in a tone of sheer disbelief.
‘My mother really calls this guy kind and gentle. He’s not even pretending to be well-behaved at our house, so I don’t know why she’s like that.’
‘That’s because… he is kind and gentle.’
As Seo Chi-young smiled while chopping perilla leaves and adding them in, Jang Ui-geon shut his mouth. Yoon Jun-young, who had finished about half the gopchang and was starting to eat the vegetables, glanced at Seo Chi-young.
‘Since the CEO says it, it somehow feels like he’s teasing me…’
At the slightly dissatisfied murmur, Seo Chi-young’s eyes widened.
‘What? No way…’
Seeing Seo Chi-young shake his head with a flustered look, Jang Ui-geon suddenly burst into laughter as if it were amusing.
‘This guy was famous in high school for being an ice block—someone who wouldn’t bleed a drop even if you poked him. He even made a teacher cry. The kids were absolutely terrified, right? There were probably some kids who were more scared of you than Kang-hee.’
Jang Ui-geon nudged Yoon Jun-young with his elbow. Yoon Jun-young frowned, but he didn’t particularly deny it, only continuing to chew.
Seo Chi-young smiled silently. Yes, come to think of it, there was such a thing. He had witnessed Yoon Jun-young, who had been watching with a cold face, tear apart a teacher with his tongue after the teacher had poorly prepared for a lesson, said something incorrect, tried to gloss over it, and then insisted it was roughly correct. Since they were in the same class, in that sense, there were many students and teachers who claimed they’d rather not deal with Yoon Jun-young than Kwon Kang-hee—who was famous in the area for his fists. It would be more accurate to say they kept their distance rather than being scared.
Back then, Seo Chi-young also felt that Yoon Jun-young was distant. At the very least, he never imagined him to be a person who would chew gopchang until his cheeks were full while seriously pondering, ‘Why doesn’t it taste like this when I stir-fry it at home?’
Yoon Jun-young glared briefly at the friend exposing his grim past and then spoke as if it were nothing.
‘There were probably more kids scared of you than me. Especially the ones with girlfriends. You touched everything and everyone within reach.’
Immediately, the smile vanished from Jang Ui-geon’s face.
‘Why do you put it like that, making me sound like some guy crazy for women…’
‘It’s a good thing you touched more women back then. If you’d touched more men like you do now, you would have spent that time as a loner without any friends.’
‘Who knows, maybe more people liked me than you think. …….Ah, come to think of it, I think I received something like a confession, but I don’t remember well…’
Jang Ui-geon rubbed his chin and looked into the air. Seo Chi-young’s lips twitched, but he silently stared only at the griddle.
‘When those rumors were going around, there was one guy who said he liked men too.’
When was that, I wonder, Jang Ui-geon murmured to himself. Thump. His heart pounded. Seo Chi-young, not knowing what he was doing, stirred the golden-brown gopchang while recalling a memory from long ago. A shaded afternoon on a brilliantly sunny day. A cool breeze blowing.
He hadn’t known that he would remember. He thought such a thing would have been completely forgotten.
‘So, did you touch him?’
When Yoon Jun-young asked nonchalantly, Jang Ui-geon, who had been lost in thought, frowned slightly.
‘Well… I can’t remember. I think I heard something like that, but I don’t know when it was or where I heard it… Maybe it wasn’t at school, but at a club?’
Seo Chi-young gave a brief glance at Jang Ui-geon, who was tilting his head in confusion and pressing his temple. With a quiet, bitter smile, Chi-young poured a bit of water onto the griddle where the gopchang was nearly cooked. Sizzle, steam rose up.
‘Why are you smiling so subtly? Did you remember some glamorous past? I bet you were popular too, CEO.’
Jang Ui-geon asked abruptly, having noticed Seo Chi-young’s smile at some point. Not expecting the conversation to swing back to him, Seo Chi-young flinched and looked at Jang Ui-geon with wide eyes.
‘No… not at all. I wasn’t popular at all. I just spent my time quietly with a few friends.’
As Seo Chi-young shook his head, Jang Ui-geon frowned and smiled.
‘Well, kids that age don’t have a great eye for people. They tend to prefer the ones who stand out by pretending to be something they’re not, rather than someone quiet and substantial.’
When Yoon Jun-young retorted with a “And you?”, Jang Ui-geon burst into laughter and replied, “Right, exactly.”
Seo Chi-young watched them for a moment before dropping his gaze. Memories from long ago swirled around him, nostalgic and tinged with regret.
‘I don’t think they like them because they stand out; it’s probably that they stand out because they are liked. Because the person you like seems to glow… so much so that nothing else catches your eye, only that person shines.’
Just as he had.
Back then, only Jang Ui-geon seemed vivid among the other children. Even when he just exchanged a word or two and kept his mouth shut, even when he flipped through a book as if bored, or even when he did nothing but sit on the windowsill with his eyes closed, soaking up the sunlight.
So vivid that even now, after more than ten years, he could recognize him at a single glance. Lost in these old memories, Seo Chi-young didn’t realize that the two had stopped talking and were looking at him. After a few seconds, he noticed two pairs of eyes staring at him and looked back and forth between them, bewildered. Suddenly, Jang Ui-geon beamed.
‘Did you have someone you liked? In high school?’
‘………Yes..’
He seemed too flustered. He could feel his face heating up in an instant. Seo Chi-young blinked, looking lost, before eventually bowing his head. The voice of Jang Ui-geon, murmuring “Aha” as if amused, pierced his ears with unusual clarity.
Then, Seo Chi-young suddenly locked eyes with Yoon Jun-young, who was staring at him. Chi-young looked back at him curiously, as Jun-young was staring intently with chopsticks still in his mouth.
‘Would you like more?’
‘No, it’s not that… ……..Yes.’
Yoon Jun-young seemed lost in thought, but that thought seemed to change quickly upon seeing the gopchang Seo Chi-young was frying. When Yoon Jun-young held out a plate with only vegetables left, Seo Chi-young smiled and said, ‘This belongs to the customer inside, I’ll fry more for you right away. Please wait a moment,’ and then he plated the freshly fried gopchang and took it to the inner table.
As Seo Chi-young poured liquor onto the wiped griddle and began frying a generous portion of gopchang from the side-dish container, Jang Ui-geon, who had been watching him with a look of curiosity, asked inquisitively.
‘So, did you break up with that person after graduating school?’
Seo Chi-young was momentarily bewildered by the question, but soon realized it was a continuation of the previous topic and looked at him in dismay. He thought the subject had changed, but apparently, it hadn’t.
Looking down at the gopchang cooking amidst the alcohol that was quickly evaporating, Seo Chi-young murmured.
‘………. No ………., I hardly ever spoke to them. I just watched from afar… ………They probably don’t even know I was in the same class.’
Jang Ui-geon watched Seo Chi-young, who was smiling awkwardly and murmuring in a voice barely audible, before letting out a short laugh.
‘You seem like the type who doesn’t, but sometimes you’re surprisingly good at reading people… I guess you didn’t have an eye for people back then.’
Seo Chi-young just gave a vague smile and said, ‘That’s not it…’ before falling silent.
While waiting for the gopchang to cook, Yoon Jun-young, who was eating the remaining vegetables, suddenly muttered.
‘You’re the same when it comes to having no eye for people. All the people you hang out with are as light as feathers. ……No, maybe it’s your attitude that’s light as a feather.’
‘Feathers? I’m simply searching for a destined love meant only for me. I’d prefer it if you called me the last romantic of this era.’
Jang Ui-geon spoke slowly and smiled, but Yoon Jun-young snorted and acted as if he hadn’t heard.
Seo Chi-young smiled silently. It seemed that habit remained unchanged. Since high school, Jang Ui-geon had always been surrounded by such rumors. Still, he seemed to treat those he dated well; compared to the volume of rumors, there were few malicious words.
Indeed, that seemed right. Jang Ui-geon seemed like the type to be incredibly kind to those within his inner circle.
Perhaps that was why it felt even more pitiful. Both Jang Ui-geon and Yoon Jun-young.
‘Stop worrying Auntie and why don’t you try dating someone seriously for once. Instead of making useless jokes to me every time.’
Yoon Jun-young spoke quietly. Seo Chi-young’s hand faltered for a moment, but he said nothing. Did Jun-young know how cruel the words were, delivered in his usual, nonchalant voice?
‘……..I suppose so..’
Jang Ui-geon murmured with a smile. Wondering what thoughts were crossing his mind as he stared silently at his beer glass, Seo Chi-young felt a bitter taste in his mouth, as if he had swallowed alcohol.
“I’m going to the restroom for a second,” Yoon Jun-young said and left his seat. For a while, there was a void where one person had been.
Then, he suddenly sensed Jang Ui-geon smiling. Seo Chi-young, who had been staring at the griddle unable to lift his head, looked up curiously. Jang Ui-geon was looking at him with a low laugh.
‘Do you know what kind of face you’re making right now, CEO?’
‘Huh..? Oh..’
Flustered, Seo Chi-young wiped his face with the back of his hand. Jang Ui-geon laughed for a while before speaking.
‘You look like a calf with fodder stuck in its throat.’
He didn’t know what a calf with fodder in its throat looked like, but guessing it wasn’t a pleasant expression, Seo Chi-young rubbed his face awkwardly. Jang Ui-geon looked at him with a calm smile, then suddenly asked in a slightly lowered voice.
‘Do I look that pitiful to you? Because of Jun-young?’
Seo Chi-young fell silent. The words, spoken with a low laugh, sounded more like a joke than a serious question. Seeing him speak such things so lightly, Seo Chi-young wondered if Jang Ui-geon had grown somewhat accustomed to him. Thinking that his heart wasn’t that heavy, Seo Chi-young relaxed a little.
Watching Seo Chi-young remain silent without answering, Jang Ui-geon continued, as if he hadn’t particularly expected a response.
‘It’s been a long time since this started. Long enough to be used to it. So it’s not like I’m suddenly driven crazy with pain. So… I’d prefer it if you didn’t make that face. Because seeing that face makes me feel even more sorry for myself.’
What kind of face had he been making? Seo Chi-young nodded awkwardly. Then, after a moment of silence, he spoke hesitantly.
‘I’m on Jang Ui-geon’s side. In my heart… ……….I, I just don’t know how else I could be of help..’
It was a sincere statement made with all his heart, but upon hearing it, Jang Ui-geon stared at Seo Chi-young with a look as if he had been hit on the back of the head, and then, in the next instant, he suddenly burst into laughter. He laughed so loudly that other people in the shop looked over, and for a while, he couldn’t stop. Seeing Seo Chi-young blinking his large eyes, not knowing what to do, Jang Ui-geon waved his hand, though he still couldn’t stop laughing.
‘No, ,,,,,,, ahaha, no, it’s just that I feel reassured. No, really, thank you. ….That you’re on my side. This is the first time I’ve heard someone say they’d take my side. No one has ever stepped forward to say they were on my side before.’
Seo Chi-young looked at him with an awkward expression. The man, who likely hadn’t caused a situation that required taking a side and had navigated most things alone without help, continued to laugh. Seo Chi-young murmured with a slightly gloomy face.
‘Well… that’s probably because this person seems fine even without someone taking his side. Everyone has a desire to take the side of someone who is weak.’
Only after seeing Seo Chi-young’s depressed face did Jang Ui-geon’s laughter slowly subside. Though he no longer laughed out loud, his face was still full of smiles as he spoke to Seo Chi-young.
‘I am a weak person. So, as you said, please take my side.’
At the half-joke, half-serious remark, Seo Chi-young remained silent for a moment and then nodded. Jang Ui-geon might have been joking, but Seo Chi-young was sincere. Though he probably thought Seo Chi-young was joking too.
When Seo Chi-young nodded with a serious face, Jang Ui-geon laughed out loud again for a while, then looked at him with eyes where the laughter was clearly etched.
‘Ah —- you really are an interesting person. I think I might start liking you, CEO. What should I do?’
It was a joke. Anyone could tell it was a joke; Jang Ui-geon’s tone, expression, and voice all said it was a joke. And Seo Chi-young knew that.
And yet.
Seo Chi-young’s face froze instantly. Rather than froze, it might be more accurate to say he stiffened. Unable to even think of bowing his head to hide his expression, Seo Chi-young stared at Jang Ui-geon with wide eyes. Seeing this, the wide smile on Jang Ui-geon’s face gradually faded.
Leaving only a casual smile, Jang Ui-geon looked at Seo Chi-young, who was so flustered that he was stiff and lost, and gave a bitter smile, perhaps feeling a bit sorry.
‘How are you going to manage if you take every single joke so seriously?’
‘……..’
Seo Chi-young hesitated and then bowed his head deeply. “I know,” he murmured in a voice so low it was barely audible, and for a long time, he could not lift his head.
Before long, Yoon Jun-young returned and asked with a puzzled face what was going on, but Jang Ui-geon, still smiling, replied, ‘If I say more, the CEO might collapse,’ and didn’t explain further. Seo Chi-young, with his face flushed, kept his head down and silently stirred the gopchang.
‘By the way, is the gopchang not ready yet?’ Yoon Jun-young asked, peering into the griddle. Until Seo Chi-young handed over the gopchang, the smile did not leave Jang Ui-geon’s face, but fortunately, the topic did not come up again.
“……….”
Seo Chi-young sighed. Just thinking about it made his face feel red again.
“I need to sleep..”
He murmured as if coaxing himself and tossed and turned, but sleep did not come to cover his consciousness.
………Yes. That is why, even with a body exhausted by fatigue and a heavy head, he could not fall asleep. The short phrase that had been clinging to a corner of his mind and refusing to leave was that.
——–I think I might start liking you.
He couldn’t believe that he was so shaken by words that were so light they were almost laughable as a simple joke or prank.
Seo Chi-young pressed his heavy eyelids quietly with his fist.
He thinks with a sigh that he must have liked Jang Ui-geon more than he thought. He believed he was simply looking back at the past with nostalgia, tasting those emotions once more and chewing over the memories.
However, it wasn’t that he was expecting something now. He truly knew that those words had no meaning.
And yet.
“……..”
The cheek touching the back of his hand is hot.
It wasn’t that he had never heard such words before. Even if he had spent breathless, frantic days after high school graduation, he had met people a few times—enough to count on one hand. He hadn’t dated them. He had no leisure to date.
It was just that during times when he felt so lonely and exhausted he felt he might die, unable to endure the mental strain even with a body on the verge of collapse, he had gone out to meet someone just to get through that moment.
During those few times, he had heard and said such things to build excitement during foreplay. But none of those soft whispers, accompanied by hot breath and touch, remained in his memory. No words were more heart-wrenching than that one casual phrase.
Words spoken to him, but words that did not belong to him.
For a moment, he felt suffocated.
As time passes, will someone be by his side as he spends his days alone? Perhaps. But could the words that person whispers ever sound sweeter than that one light joke?
He had never pitied his own life. Though he had thought he was struggling, suffering, or unhappy, he had never felt self-pity.
But now, Seo Chi-young felt sorry for himself. It felt as if the life he was living now would continue just like this. Even if he met the end of this life while feeling the small joys of life and the peace of daily routine, spending time as happily as others, words that pierced the heart like that would never be his.
Suddenly, his body felt cold. Perhaps it was because his heart had grown cold. He felt lonely. He wished someone were by his side. Someone. Anyone. Yes, even for a moment would be enough. If he couldn’t warm his cold heart, at least his body could be warm.
The emotions from long ago, when he went out searching for someone for a brief moment of warmth during hard and rough days, resurfaced. It felt as if he had been just as desolate and aching back then.
“………”
Curling his body like a baby and lying on his side, Seo Chi-young moved his hand down. Over his clothes, he quietly grasped his penis, which lay limp without desire. After stroking it a couple of times, the dormant organ twitched and its pulse seemed to quicken, but after fondling it a few more times, Seo Chi-young let go of it on his own. The desire that had faintly begun to rise soon subsided easily.
He already knew that this was not what could fill the chilling cold. Even knowing that, the hollow feeling in his heart did not vanish until the moment his consciousness dropped into the sleep that had rushed in unnoticed.
The phone in his pocket vibrated once and stopped. It seemed a text had arrived. Come to think of it, he thought something had arrived earlier, but he had forgotten about it while thinking he’d check it later.
But even now, while thinking he should check it, he heard an order from inside shouting, “One beer here and one more serving of gopchang, please,” and he hurried to bring the beer first, unable to put his hand in his pocket.
Today was a busy day.
There were days like that. Some days, as if under a spell, only one or two customers would barely drop by all day, while other days were so packed that he had to move without a single moment’s rest. Today was the latter.
Having many customers wasn’t necessarily a good thing. Because there was no room in his head as well as his body, minor mistakes were frequent, and since he couldn’t take proper care of them, some people occasionally left with displeased faces. In such times, even if the profits were better than other days, he didn’t feel refreshed.
At least today, although he was frantically busy, he didn’t make any particular mistakes and no strange customers passed through, so it was okay.
“There are a lot of people today.”
When Yoon Jun-young visited after 10 PM, there was only one seat left outside the shop, in front of the cooking station. All four tables inside the shop were full, and the three chairs in front of the cooking station were already occupied. After looking around at the people filling the shop, Yoon Jun-young silently sat in the last remaining seat.
“Uh.., welcome.”
Seo Chi-young greeted him with a troubled face. Since Yoon Jun-young had come, Jang Ui-geon might come too, but there was no seat for him. Looking back, he thought the people at one table seemed likely to leave soon, so he decided he would move him to that spot once it became vacant.
“I’ve never seen it this crowded. Is the shop going to collapse? I was already worried about when it might fall apart.”