By Zephyria 
Looking down at me as I lay curled up like a child, Kwon Yi-kang reached out and clasped my hand. I felt the warmth and stability transmitted through his large hand. When I lifted my head to look up at him, he was gazing at me with a soft smile, as always.
“It’s okay. Let’s get some sleep and wake up.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for? It’s nothing. You’ll feel better after you sleep.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay. Everything is okay. …I love you.”
Brushing aside my messy bangs, Kwon Yi-kang softly kissed my exposed forehead.
“I love you. I love you.”
I closed my eyes, feeling a bit of relief at the confession uttered as if to reassure me.
How long would I have to stay in prison if I killed someone? Three years? Five? Even then, that would only be if I had money. Then maybe I’d have to stay for ten years.
Cha Soo-kyung is the child of a wealthy family, but since he killed his Hyung, would he receive an aggravated sentence for kinship homicide? What if the Alpha Father finds it offensive and asks for a harsher sentence? Would the Omega Father get me a lawyer? Should I get a human rights lawyer?
Whether it’s ten years or twenty, surely it wouldn’t be life imprisonment. When I finish my sentence and come out, will we have become strangers? In a separation that lasts longer than the time we spent together, will our feelings still be the same as they are now?
When that time comes, who will your whispers of love be directed toward? Will the tenderness you showed me be directed at someone else?
Everything filling me seemed to vanish in an instant, leaving me feeling distant and hollow.
∞ ∞ ∞
The space beside me in bed was empty. The hand I had been holding firmly was gone. Every time I lifted my fluttering eyelids, I searched for the invisible Kwon Yi-kang, and I fell back asleep, reassured by his voice faintly echoing beyond the darkened bedroom.
Sometimes his voice resonated by my bedside. Sometimes there was silence, and other times, a familiar voice could be heard from far away.
Getting closer and further, being alone then being two, feeling nothing and then feeling a confusion as if all five senses were paralyzed—this repeated until, at some point, my eyes naturally opened.
In the dark bedroom, I think I felt a moment of relief as I listened to a breath that wasn’t my own.
“Why are you awake? Sleep a bit more.”
A husky voice flowed from above my head. I lifted my head from where I had been burying my face, but in the darkness filling the room, it was difficult to gauge the face right in front of me.
“Why? Are you thirsty?”
“What time is it?”
He must have just woken up too; in response to my question, Kwon Yi-kang fumbled for his phone and told me it was just past four in the morning.
“Let’s sleep a bit more.”
Perhaps because I fell asleep early, I woke up early. I quietly surrendered to his touch as he held me, but gradually, my mind became clear.
Suddenly, the image of Cha Baek-joo’s face as he flew through the air flashed before my eyes. As I stiffened with a start, the arms embracing me tightened.
“What is it? Can’t you sleep?”
“No, go back to sleep.”
His voice sounded quite tired, so I pretended to be asleep, but Kwon Yi-kang noticed something and turned on the light. The small light flickered on, momentarily disrupting my vision.
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s nothing.”
“That’s not a ‘nothing’ face.”
The hand slowly stroking my hair was soft and cautious. Every time his fingertips touched and left my scalp, I got small goosebumps.
“Why are you shaking like this? Are you sick somewhere?”
“No. I’m not sick.”
“Relax. You’ll catch a cold at this rate. It would be a disaster if the belly started tightening.”
The hand that moved from the crown of my head to the nape of my neck and then to my shoulder rubbed my forearm up and down. The hand, which had descended to my fingertips and then traveled up my pelvis, slowly rubbed over my stomach, which had hardened with tension, conveying a peaceful warmth.
“The police… didn’t they come?”
“I got a call from the hosan side in the afternoon. We decided to meet tomorrow and resolve it. I gave a rough explanation that you barely fell asleep after collapsing from shock and pushed it back.”
“…Then I… do I go to prison now? No, do I have to go to trial first?”
“Why would you go to prison? I told you to sleep, and here you are worrying about useless things. You’re not going anywhere, so sleep comfortably.”
“I killed him. So I should be punished.”
I had indeed done bad things without being punished until now. I had been caught and sent to a juvenile detention center once, but compared to the wallets I’d stolen so far, that was a drop in the bucket.
This bad deed was quite large. It was murder. This one requires punishment. It was on a different level from running away to avoid being caught while pickpocketing. Could I carry the weight of this sin for the rest of my life?
When I replied in a sullen voice, Kwon Yi-kang sighed and sat up. He pulled me, who was lying curled up, to sit facing him. In the dim light, the shadows on his face made his deep contours stand out more.
“Do you regret it? That you shouldn’t have killed him, that you should have just endured it. Do you regret it? If you could turn back time, would you not kill him?”
“…No.”
“You don’t regret it, and you don’t reflect on it, so how on earth are you going to be reformed or rehabilitated?”
“That’s why I should at least be punished…”
“You said it was an accident. You said you killed a person. Did the bastard who killed people get punished?”
“No.”
“That’s why you killed him. The guy who killed people and ran away lived perfectly fine, lived better than others, so why are you insisting on being punished?”
“Because that’s only natural. Otherwise… I’ll become the same kind of person.”
“If you hadn’t killed him, that guy would have lived well for the rest of his life. Even if he caused another accident, he would have covered it up the same way. Let’s think of it as preventing that. Or think of it as you giving the punishment instead of the law.”
That doesn’t make sense. Revenge and punishment are strictly different. Even knowing that, my fragile heart wavered at the sound of Kwon Yi-kang’s voice softly soothing me.
“Did you want to let the whole world know that bastard was a murderer? Or did you want to punish the man who killed people. Did you want him punished by the law? Or did you want to handle it personally. Let’s be clear about this first. Tell me. Which one was it?”
I knew better than anyone how flawed the law was. Even after fourteen years, the police couldn’t catch the culprit who killed my parents, and that culprit was living in luxury with confidence. He would have probably inherited the hospital soon and become even more successful.
Did I want to let people know he was a murderer? Of course I did. But how? On what basis? With what evidence? It was a case that Chief Bae had already cleaned up and covered. There was no evidence to be found after fourteen years. There was nothing to prove Cha Baek-joo’s murder.
There were no clues to claim Cha Baek-joo’s murder, and in the end, there was nothing the law could do. Realizing this, I had to abandon even the slightest hope.
“I wanted to… kill him with my own hands.”
“Even if others didn’t know. Right?”
The low voice was closer to gently coaxing me than reprimanding me. When I nodded with my head bowed low, he cupped my cheeks with both hands and lifted my head.
“You did what you wanted to do. Now it’s time to bury that as a secret. From this moment on, Cha Baek-joo is someone who got drunk alone, lost his balance, and died from a fall. When talking to anyone else, or even when the two of us are together, Cha Baek-joo died in an accident. Never speak of what happened there from now on.”
“But…”
“It’s okay. It’s fine to keep that as your own happy secret. Instead, you must never speak of it after today. Keep it to yourself. Definitely only to yourself.”
As if casting a spell, Kwon Yi-kang confirmed again, “Only to yourself.”
“Don’t feel guilt, and don’t be sad. Since it was what you wanted, just be happy. If you can’t forget it, it’s okay to like it. No one will know, and no one will blame you.”
“…Is it okay to like it?”
Is it really okay? Is it okay to be happy after killing someone? To my questioning, Kwon Yi-kang nodded.
“Yes. You said he was a bad guy. Since you relieved the grudge of someone who died unfairly, in a way, you did a good deed.”
“I didn’t do it to relieve the grudge of someone who died unfairly. …It was because of me.”
Hugging my knees, I cautiously revealed my selfish reasons.
“Because I was the one who was wronged. Because I wanted compensation for my past. That’s why I killed him. The dead are the dead. It’s just that my life became a mess because of that bastard… so I wanted to kill him.”
“If that’s the case, be even more happy and joyful. Don’t regret it, and don’t feel guilt. And if it was for you, I am even more on your side. Whatever you want, whatever you wish for, I’ll make sure you can do it. If necessary, I’ll do even worse things. Even if you ask me to kill a few more people, I’ll do it.”
“I won’t kill anymore. There’s no one left.”
Just how many people is he planning to kill? As I shook my head in horror, Kwon Yi-kang laughed softly and gently rubbed my cheek with his fingertip.
“Right. It’s about time we start focusing on prenatal care.”
“There’s no baby.”
“Let’s go to the hospital soon. Once you’re confirmed to be pregnant, you’ll stop having useless thoughts.”
Telling me to lie down now, Kwon Yi-kang pushed me onto the bed and lay on his side, propping his head up with his arm as he looked down at me. As if promising to protect me until I fell asleep, he gazed at me with steady eyes and patted my chest with one hand.
“No one knows. They’ll never know. So act confident. Even if someone asks you in front of your face if you killed him, say you don’t know, and be brazen enough to treat that bastard like a psychopath instead.”
“…That’s a bit much.”
“If you go to prison, our baby will have to go see the prison along with you, and I’ll go in with you. If you try to stop me, I’ll follow you even if I have to kill someone. So, consider it as saving three people—me, the guy who deserved to die by my hand, and the baby to be born—and act confident. Put on a thick skin. Curse him in your heart, saying he deserved to die.”
I don’t know how he can be so confident while urging me to commit illegal acts. Nevertheless, swayed by Kwon Yi-kang’s eloquence, I found myself thinking at some point, ‘Yes, he deserved to die. He’s the one who killed my parents in a hit-and-run and ruined my life. It’s only natural that he dies.’