By Zephyria 
When I flung open the front door that was still being pounded on, fortunately, it wasn’t the police. I wondered whose person he was. The man, looking at us as if gauging the situation, quietly stepped beside Kwon Yi-kang.
“You’ve come at a good time. Where is Secretary Choi?”
“He’ll be up shortly.”
“That’s enough. Let’s go down for now.”
Because if we stay here, we won’t see anything good. If we’re caught together while manipulating a crime scene, we’ll take the fall.
Kwon Yi-kang spoke playfully, as if he wanted the man to hear, and turned the man around. As they took the waiting elevator down, the man whispered a question.
“What would you like to do?”
“Later. First, we must go home. My person is in poor condition, perhaps because he’s in shock.”
The man glanced at me, leaning against Kwon Yi-kang with my face buried in his side, and nodded.
“I will stand by.”
The elevator descended straight to the underground parking lot without stopping. As the doors opened, someone waiting for the elevator approached Kwon Yi-kang.
“We’re going to the apartment.”
“How will you handle the cleanup?”
“Is the straw I’ve stuck in working?”
“Yes.”
“Keep receiving reports. Keep people stationed there. I’ll wait until evening. Let’s move after we hear from hosan.”
The men climbed into the driver and passenger seats, and I, in a half-conscious state, was led by Kwon Yi-kang into the backseat. Leaving the low exchange of voices behind, I stared at the rapidly changing scenery outside the window.
∞ ∞ ∞
“Soo-kyung. Why are you standing here like this? You should get some rest.”
Kwon Yi-kang approached and pulled me back, standing firmly behind me. Even as I leaned into his broad chest, I didn’t take my eyes off the photograph.
Right, why was I standing here like this?
Was I searching for justification for what I did today by recalling my past, or was I regretting my own stubbornness in being unable to escape my past self? Or was I confirming that even if my shell had changed, the current me was no different from the me of the past?
“I lied.”
“It’s okay. I’m the bad one. I didn’t want to lose you, so I’m the one who told you to do it. You did nothing wrong. It’s okay.”
“No, I…… I lied to you.”
I was still in the middle of winter, still a naked child with no education and nothing to my name. I had taken over Cha Soo-kyung’s body, was protected by Cha Soo-kyung’s parents, and smiled with Cha Soo-kyung’s face, but in the end, I was Min Jae-hee.
I still remember the feeling I had when I pushed Cha Baek-joo without a second thought. Without a shred of hesitation, I had even felt a sense of euphoria. Could someone like me truly live as Cha Soo-kyung, even while wearing his shell?
“I’m not Cha Soo-kyung.”
“……Soo-kyung.”
“When Cha Soo-kyung committed suicide, I died then. My body, and Cha Soo-kyung’s soul. When I opened my eyes, I had become Cha Soo-kyung. They called it amnesia, multiple personalities, delusions, or mental illness, but I simply wasn’t Cha Soo-kyung.”
I still remember that freezing winter. I clearly remember the winter wind that felt sharp enough to sear the backs of my hands.
“I thought I could just live as Cha Soo-kyung. I thought I could use amnesia as an excuse and live a life of luxury. ……But I was still me. I couldn’t escape the me from the past.”
I was caught pickpocketing, dragged to the police station, escaped, fell while running, and got hit by a car, yet I was driven back to the streets the next day. Sometimes I was beaten by other thugs over territory disputes.
When I begged, I was beaten like a dog every day over the amount I collected. If I brought ten thousand won, I was beaten for it being too little; if I brought fifty thousand, I was still beaten for it being too little. There was never a satisfying amount; bringing money and getting beaten was simply my routine.
“I never once thought about it. The culprit of my parents’ accident. But Cha Soo-kyung said it before he died. That he knew. When I woke up in Cha Soo-kyung’s body, I thought I was brought back to life to find that out.”
The orphanage. I remember my time at that orphanage, where I barely stayed for a few days. It happened to be a cold winter. I lay on a cold floor where the boiler didn’t even work properly, doing nothing but weeping silently. The unfamiliar environment, the unfamiliar people, the unfamiliar life. Everything was strange and terrifying.
“Thinking about it, the start of my miserable life was my parents’ accident. If only my parents had lived, I wouldn’t have been driven to an orphanage, and if I hadn’t gone to an orphanage, I wouldn’t have been sold into the back alleys, and if I hadn’t flowed into the back alleys, I wouldn’t have struggled to the point of ruining my body. I wouldn’t have died so miserably. It completely destroyed my life.”
I had no memory of a warm childhood. The time spent with my parents, the time I laughed and ran freely, the time I was loved by someone. Only the memories of the only warm period of my life were faint. Yet the memories of the painful times were so vivid.
“The younger one said he was the culprit. So I tried to kill him. But he just died. What is this? If he was going to die this easily, why did I come back to life? Why did I have to live again? And then it turned out Cha Baek-joo was the real culprit. Ah, so that’s why I came back. It felt like a confirmation. The reason for my existence. The reason I had to live again.”
“……Soo-kyung.”
“I’m sorry.”
I turned around and looked up at Kwon Yi-kang to apologize. The only words that came to mind when facing him were those three: I’m sorry.
“You were truly…… the only kind person I ever met in my life. That’s why I liked you. You were the only person who remembered the past me. That’s why I was grateful. You were lovely.”
The person who took a photo of me as a child in the cold winter. The person who remembers me to this day.
When I was young, the fifty thousand won you gave me kept me full for a day, and as I grew, the traces you left of me made my heart swell. You were the only person connecting my past and present.
“Even so…… I couldn’t stop you earlier. Even though I knew perfectly well that killing someone leads to prison, I didn’t care. I just, I just thought I had to kill him. It felt like it was what I had to do. I wanted to compensate my past self, even if it was like this.”
“Shh, it’s okay. Don’t cry. No matter who you are, no matter what you’ve done, it doesn’t matter to me. You are simply my person, whom I love. Do whatever you want to do, take whatever you want to have. Making that possible is my job. That is what I want to do for you.”
Cupping my wet cheeks in his hands, Kwon Yi-kang whispered with a face that remained tender. His lips descended upon my cheeks, stealing away the moisture. Leaving soft, petal-like kisses, he repeatedly murmured, “It’s okay.”
“I’m not Cha Soo-kyung. I’m just trash that’s been rolled around the bottom until I’m worn and eroded. Now I don’t even have a body of my own, so I live as a parasite in someone else’s, not even knowing who I am anymore. On top of that, I’ve killed someone. It’s not… okay at all.”
I couldn’t find a single thing that was okay, so where on earth did you find something to feel okay about? I feel like I couldn’t find a situation more not-okay than this. What exactly is okay to you?
“The person standing before me has always been you. Whether it was the old Cha Soo-kyung or the old piece of trash, I don’t know them. I only know the you who has always been in front of me. The you with the cheeky way of speaking but an innocent body, always lonely, starving for affection, yet still standing tall. The you standing firmly before me. The you looking at me. The you kissing me. The you craving my affection. The you returning that affection to me. That is the you I know.”
Thinking about it, Kwon Yi-kang never knew the original Cha Soo-kyung. He was the only person who looked at me as a whole person without knowing who I truly was. Everyone else saw the past Cha Soo-kyung and the current me as the same person. They were people who could not see my existence even though I was right before their eyes.
“I started to think that maybe there really is such a thing as fate in this world. That the Cha Soo-kyung I met before I died knew the true culprit of my parents’ accident, that I happened to enter Cha Soo-kyung’s body after dying, that the culprit was near Cha Soo-kyung, and that I found out about it. Even meeting you.”
“A string, once tied, is not easily broken. Our meeting must have been a part of that fate. Definitely.”
“Let’s rest now.” Whispering as if soothing a child, Kwon Yi-kang supported my back and the back of my knees, lifting me up and slowly walking toward the bedroom.
“It was the first time. No one had ever given me that much money. When I begged, it was heavy because of the coins. The bills were always thousand-won notes. Even those were rare. If someone put in a ten-thousand won bill, they looked like an angel to me. But you gave me fifty thousand won. Just for taking one photo of me. I thought you were a pushover, but honestly, I was grateful. That day, I was so cold and hungry… I bought kal-guksu with the money you gave me. I thought the warmth spreading in my stomach was because of the noodles, but I guess it was your kindness.”
Wrapping my arms around Kwon Yi-kang’s shoulders, I whispered in a low, quiet voice. You must have been a kind person even back then. That’s why you were kind to me, too.
Kwon Yi-kang paused for a moment before resuming his steps. The bedroom we entered was as cozy as ever. Even the cleanly laundered duvet seemed to resemble Kwon Yi-kang’s tenderness.
“I was surprised… when I saw my photo. I thought no trace of me would remain, so I never imagined a photo of me would be in your house. It felt strange to think that you remembered a past of mine that no one else remembers. Back then, even your face is faint to me. …It’s strange. Only the cold wind from that time is vivid. So cold, so hungry, so lonely, and so lonely…”
“It’s okay, Soo-kyung. I’m right here.”