By Zephyria 
The hands clasped together were warm. Rubel’s cheeks and ears were flushed. Yet, the child’s attitude of gathering my two fingers together and not letting go was subtle. Instead of answering, the child pressed on my fingernails or traced between my fingers, not easily opening his tightly closed mouth.
I intertwined my fingers to prevent Rubel’s hand from moving further and asked again.
“Is it fun?”
“…More than fun… I’m happy.”
“About what?”
“That Mika and I… have become close enough to hold hands without it being awkward.”
I felt strangely embarrassed.
I thought I could easily offer my hand… Wasn’t that the case until now? Rubel had often asked me to hold his hand, stroke him, and act spoiled. Each time, I had given him my hand and stroked his head as if dealing with a young child, and there were many times when I acted like an adult.
Being pointed out so suddenly made me feel like I was doing something very secretive and lewd. Feeling unnecessarily embarrassed, I cleared my throat and pulled my hand away. Rubel reached out to grab it as it tried to escape, but when I refused, he didn’t act spoiled again.
A heavy silence fell.
A sudden curiosity arose. Why does this child follow and cherish me so much?
Come to think of it, Ivan had said that my appearance… suited the tastes of the Shierun people. That thought made me feel uneasy. I was still in a young body, growing like a bamboo shoot with each passing day. Appearance was something that could easily change. What if I got stabbed somewhere and was left with a scar?
It was fortunate that my appearance was at least similar in age to Rubel. But this appearance was newly acquired, so it still felt unfamiliar sometimes. I didn’t feel like it was entirely mine.
I still don’t know what I am.
If a person’s true form lies in their soul, I wondered if the child would still follow me like this even if he saw my true self. I was suddenly curious about what my face looked like in my past life.
I had once been lucky enough to gain enlightenment early and was even told that I looked similar in age to my nephews. At drinking parties, I had even casually heard people call me a jade-faced young master.
No, no… Do I believe all those flattering words? I was appalled at my situation, where I was even trying to appease myself by drawing on the flattery of those who were desperately trying to borrow Namgung’s name.
As I hesitated, the child’s black eyes looked directly at me.
“Why? What are you curious about?”
“…”
“Mika.”
Where did he learn to drag out the end of his words like that?
I originally hated such spoiled behavior. Yet, strangely, when this child did it, it sounded sweet to my ears. I ran a dry hand over my face, hardening my expression. I let out a shallow sigh and slightly opened my troubled heart to reveal it.
“Rubel.”
“Yes.”
“Do you cherish me because you like my appearance?”
“…Huh?”
Rubel was overly surprised, as if it was a completely unexpected question. After asking, I felt embarrassed, and the desire to hear the answer vanished as if washed away. Why was I curious about something like this, and why did I bother to put it into words? I hurriedly picked up the words I had spilled.
“No, never mind.”
“No!”
Then the child shouted. I was startled.
I first saw Rubel’s hands tightly gripping the edge of the table with both hands. My gaze also went to his earnestly blinking black eyes and his tightly closed lips. I was dumbfounded by the desperate look on the child’s face. I slowly blinked my eyes, taking the child’s expression to heart.
“No, I, I want to answer. Just, just a little… Wait for me. Give me time to think.”
“…Yes.”
Was it something to beg for so earnestly? I could wait as long as the child wanted.
I heard the child’s shallow breathing with the ears of a Martial artists. It was a tension that ordinary people wouldn’t notice, but I was no ordinary person. I wondered if the child’s hands had become even warmer.
Come to think of it… When I had asked him if he had any feelings to confess, the child had seemed like he wanted to say something. I vividly remembered not wanting to hear the words of rejection and blocking him from speaking.
Suddenly, I felt thirsty and pulled over the teacup. I had done something I shouldn’t have done to this child. I was now curious about the words the child had swallowed back then. After a long time, Rubel opened his mouth as if squeezing out the words.
“…Are you asking why I… came to like you?”
His red face was like a flower, and his voice was like honeyed water. I unconsciously wanted to lick it.
Even though we had already revealed our feelings to each other, I somehow felt shy and nodded slightly. The child’s two hands anxiously roamed over the empty table before tightly clasping each other. Rubel closed his eyes tightly and then immediately opened them.
“Of course, I like your appearance too… But that’s the same weight as liking your way of speaking… or your habit of always buttoning your collar all the way up, or your attitude of being diligent in everything. It wasn’t the most important thing.”
“…”
“I…”
I felt as if I had been pierced by the gaze that was directly looking at me, and it was difficult to even catch my breath. I also held my breath and looked back at Rubel.
“…You seemed so lonely that I wanted to be by your side.”
“…Yes?”
What?
What was he talking about? I was dumbfounded because it was something I had never imagined. Reading my puzzled expression, Rubel closed his eyes tightly and carefully squeezed out his voice. I couldn’t hide my bewildered heart despite the child’s earnest demeanor.
I blankly looked at Rubel’s moving lips.
“…Do you, perhaps, remember? A long time ago… on a Thursday in the first month you enrolled, very late at night.”
How could I not remember?
“…Are you talking about the day I asked you to watch the stars and go in together?”
“Yes.”
In my first year at Shierun Academy, everything was confusing. It was especially so in the first month. Every moment of learning the laws of the world that I had never learned before was painful.
To me, this child on that day was not very… no, in fact, he was not important at all. How did I treat this child? I couldn’t remember right away, so I quietly kept my mouth shut.
Rubel added an explanation, as he always did.
“Before that… I just thought it was a little strange because you glared at me every time you saw me… Actually, I… thought that since the Duke Kiadris Family and the Duke Valentia Family weren’t close, you might talk to me first.”
“…Hmm.”
“So I kept waiting and waiting… but there was no sign of that at all…”
Were they just not close? The members of Valentia avoided getting involved with Kiadris.
They were people who were painfully honest with their desires and had cold personalities. In particular, Uncle pitied Duke Kiadris’s husband but would always click his tongue, saying that he was ultimately the same as the current Duchess, Delphinia Kiadris.
The reason why Uncle and Father didn’t give me any information about the tendencies of other Duke Families or the forces that my bloodline supported when I enrolled was because they thought it was insignificant for me to memorize the names of other families and put it off.
I only heard from Shayden that I should be careful of Edwin Kiadris or Rubel. At that time, I thought it would be useless to learn and didn’t keep the advice deeply in my heart.
I cleared my throat slightly. Rubel continued to speak.
“…So, since Valentia had declared neutrality until the previous generation, I thought it was the same this time and… was about to give up.”
“…”
“That day, you were… crying alone in the Martial arts training ground.”
“Yes?”
Me?
“No, no. You looked like you were crying. I… had never heard such a sorrowful sword name before.”
Ah. I felt embarrassed and ran my hand down my neck.
Born as a man of Namgung, I rarely showed tears in front of others. There were few who had seen my crying face, and at least Rubel was not among them. Huh. I was dumbfounded and tried to stop myself from laughing with a meaningless cough.
The child, who had glanced at me, continued to speak.
“It was a very dark night. It wasn’t difficult to turn on the Magic Lamp in the Martial arts training ground, but you didn’t turn on a single lamp… I couldn’t just leave, thinking about why you were alone here.”
“…”
“It felt like I could hear you crying every time you drew your sword… I knew you weren’t crying, but still, I just kept… worrying about you and wanted to be nice to you.”
“…”
“It’s not to become Emperor, and it’s not because you’re pretty. It’s just, you.”
Rubel’s voice became very small. I could understand even if only his lips moved. Yet, the child’s cheeks were red as he painstakingly shaped the small, small voice as if he wanted to convey it to me.
“…I didn’t want you to be in pain.”
Were my cheeks as red as this child’s? I somehow felt hot. The child, who had glanced at me sitting without answering, smiled shyly. The child added an explanation in a friendly manner.
“I once asked you how much I knew about you. I don’t know you. The you that I know through written reports and news… was actually someone who shouldn’t be in so much pain.”
“…That’s…”
“You haven’t taken a single step out of Count Ernhardt’s territory since the moment you were born. You could have everything you wanted, and everyone around you cherished and loved you… I kept thinking about why you were so lonely.”
The child’s brilliantly shining gaze was like the midday sun in summer. It was dazzling.
“I was curious about you, Mika. That’s why I came to like you.”
That night, I wanted to be alone.
I brought back from my memory Rubel’s white face that had torn through the darkness and stood before me. I didn’t know that such meaning was contained in that gaze that had looked at me blankly. However, it was too long ago to draw out each scene.
I pondered again. I didn’t swallow the words that had risen to my throat.
“…If I’m not lonely.”
“Huh…?”
“If I’m not lonely or in pain, and if I’m actually okay enough to overcome it alone. If I don’t want to add any of my wounds to Rubel.”
I had no intention of passing on my burden to this young child.
I wanted to carefully select and pass on only the beautiful and lovely things of the world to Rubel. I wanted to make him turn away from all the harsh things in the world.
But if the harshest and wildest thing was me, if the child had already read my flaws, if the child was hurt and broken by my side.
How could I covet this child?
“If Rubel is pitying me, I hope you won’t do that.”