WNC 219

Ivan Holmes’s room was on the same floor as my dormitory room, at the end of the opposite hallway.

I had often greeted him at the door, but this was the first time I had ventured inside. The window frames in the reception room and the arrangement of the sofa were exactly the same as in my room, only the patterns and colors of the tapestries and rugs were more subdued and plain.

The tea Ivan gave me tasted more bitter than usual. I couldn’t tell if it was the tea leaves themselves or if my mouth was bitter from tension.

My eyes kept wandering to a thin booklet on the table. The cover was a strangely intense shade of pink, with no title written on it. Ivan followed my gaze to the cover of the book, but without touching it, he refilled his own teacup.

“Usually, by the age of fifteen, one learns about these things from older brothers or fathers. Especially relationships between men and women. Has… Michael ever spent time alone with his father to learn about this?”

“…No, no.”

“Do you know anything about it?”

“Well, that men and women… share a room, or something.”

“Hmm. I suppose it’s safe to assume you know nothing at all.”

I felt embarrassed watching Ivan’s contemplation, so I lowered my gaze and cleared my throat a couple of times.

But it was only natural. William Ernhardt may have been my father, but when I first saw him, he was a young man who hadn’t even reached thirty. I had no intention of asking that shy fellow about the affairs of men and women. I thought that one would learn about such things in due time, and that I knew as much as I needed to know.

Never in my life did I imagine I would be hearing such things in front of someone younger than William.

As I struggled to calm my confused mind and couldn’t open my mouth properly, Ivan spoke slowly.

“Actually, in a relationship between a man and a woman, there is room to adjust even if you are both clumsy. And there are times when a father or a male adult gives advice before marriage.”

“…Yes.”

“But in a relationship between men, there is no big event like marriage, and the adults around them may not know how to do it… If you’re not careful, there could be bloodshed or injuries.”

“…Um.”

“So I looked up a few new things last weekend… I thought Michael might need them too. I hope this isn’t uncomfortable for you?”

“…Well… um.”

It was uncomfortable.

How could it not be? But the reason I couldn’t get up from my seat was because the Child’s explanation touched my heart. If I needed to know in advance to avoid getting hurt… well, just in case, it would be better to know than not to know.

Ivan carefully studied my expression, then calmly opened the first page of the booklet.

I listened carefully to the parts the Child read out in his clear voice. There was nothing to be ashamed of. It was no different from knowing the Acupoint of the human body. …That’s what I tried to think, but I couldn’t shake off the embarrassment, and my head was burning up.

The first chapter said that you shouldn’t treat each other carelessly, that people should be treated with respect, and so on, which was awkward but acceptable.

But when I saw the illustrations of naked figures from the second chapter onwards, I couldn’t help but be shocked and couldn’t open my eyes properly.

It felt like only yesterday that I was scolding my young nephews for looking at erotic pictures instead of training, but how could this be…

I tried hard to swallow the rising sigh, and tried to listen calmly to the explanations that followed. But no matter how I thought about it, it was a distant matter, and I didn’t know what use it was for me to be sitting here now, so I felt lost.

Ivan finished reading about the types and uses of scented oils written in the middle of the booklet, and even pointed out the illustrations of the third position as he recited it. I couldn’t bear it and cut him off. It was the first time I had made a sound since this lesson, or rather, class, had begun.

“…Do, do people really do all this? Why?”

“Why they do it… I’ve never really thought about it.”

Ivan paused for a moment, tapping his fingertips on the illustration. I felt ashamed and quickly closed the booklet, getting the illustration of the two men overlapping like dogs out of my sight. Ivan answered easily, with his usual calm expression.

“If you’re in love… wouldn’t you want to know everything about the other person?”

“Still.”

“In my case, it’s also because there can be problems with the succession of the title if I don’t have a proper union.”

“…Ah.”

I closed my mouth again, and Ivan leaned back on the sofa instead of opening the booklet again, stretching out his long body and continuing.

“I think it’s natural to want to hold hands and hug someone you like. Of course, there are people who don’t, but I’m that kind of person.”

“…”

That was true. There were several times when my palms itched when Ruben was near me, and I had to try hard to resist. But I thought it was because he was pretty and I wanted to touch him, not because I had such lewd thoughts.

…Or was it? It couldn’t have been.

“I think I have a moderate amount of… sexual desire. If it’s a spouse I’m going to be with for the rest of my life, I also think I need to match their circumstances in bed. I don’t know what the other person will think… but I don’t want to get married and then look for another partner.”

“…”

…My heart was troubled, but even in the midst of that, the Child’s words sounded right. I nodded without realizing it.

Ivan Holmes slowly stroked the lower half of his face with one hand. He was always neat, calm, and meticulous in doing his job… He had only seemed like a young Child who was panting from exhaustion until recently, but I didn’t know when he had grown up like this.

“Because I have a desire for a stable and complete spouse, my criteria are quite important to me, along with the benefits of the family. So I studied this…”

“…”

“I thought Michael didn’t have anyone to teach him this, so I wanted to help him. After all…”

Ivan closed his mouth, about to say something more.

Ivan was usually firm and assertive in expressing his opinions on most things. Now I knew why he hadn’t mentioned his concerns in front of the other children the other day. It must have been because the girls were there with him. If it had been just the boys, he wouldn’t have hesitated to reveal his shortcomings and worries.

I swallowed a sigh and gestured for him to continue.

Ivan nodded once and continued.

“Michael tends to be a little deified, doesn’t he?”

“…Yes?”

“Um. I’ll tell you in advance that I’m more influenced by a person’s inner self than their appearance, and I’ll also point out that Michael isn’t a target of such… desires for me.”

“Um.”

“Michael is, frankly, very pretty. No, should I say beautiful… Still, these days he’s tall and… he’s gained a lot more muscle than before, so no one doubts that he’s a man, but at first he really didn’t seem like a man, let alone a person.”

“Yes?”

“Of course, I still feel that he is inhumanly beautiful. Even to my eyes, which don’t pay much attention to other people’s beauty, he looks that way, so most people around him must think so even more.”

“…No. What is that.”

What was this?

It was a bewildering sound. I knew that I didn’t have an ugly face because the children around me often praised my appearance, so I knew that much. Thanks to that, I was able to push Calypse Agrigent, who was pretending to be aloof.

But was it to the extent that he would say it in such a serious voice, as if opening the beginning of a story? In my eyes, all the other children looked pretty and cute in their own way, so it was an awkward and surprising thing that made the back of my head tingle.

“But I’ve always thought of Michael as an adult man. When I see him talking or acting, regardless of his appearance… it seems like he’s never felt that kind of identity confusion.”

“Confusion, what is that.”

“You were born a normal man, but you can’t keep being treated like a fairy.”

“Of course.”

“Well, that’s right. It’s natural, but anyway, I thought that if I left it like this, he would grow up too ignorant in sexual matters… I thought I should point it out someday. It just so happens that I’m an older, close friend of the same gender as Michael, so the excuse is appropriate.”

My mouth dropped open. Ivan smiled.

“I’ll give you this booklet as a gift.”

“…Well.”

“Actually, I’m a little embarrassed to look at the rest of this with you. Anyway, I’ve told you properly about the insertion method and precautions, so that’s enough. It’s not like you have to do it exactly according to this booklet, so take care of the rest. Sensitive areas vary from person to person.”

“…”

It was appropriate to say thank you when you received something unexpectedly as a gift.

…But I was dazed and embarrassed, so I couldn’t bring myself to say the easy word, thank you. When I couldn’t catch what he was handing me, Ivan put the booklet on my hand and urged me.

I couldn’t help but have another question when I held the booklet in my hand.

“…Are you saying that you thought I needed this, not the one between men and women… this… this kind of thing?”

“Um… well.”

Ivan spoke in a slightly embarrassed tone, but in a calm voice.

“Didn’t you come because you needed it? Actually, if you didn’t need it, you could have just said it was okay, you wouldn’t come.”

“…Ah.”

“When Michael walked into my room, I thought about 80% of the time… that there would be a time when he would need it someday. Well… even if his mind changes later, it has nothing to do with me.”

“…”

…Oops.

I stared blankly at the fellow who was acting like it was natural from beginning to end, and then thanked him with an effort. Ivan saw me off with a relieved expression, as if he had accomplished something very important.

On the way back to my room, I met Shayden in the hallway. When the Child asked me where I had been, I didn’t answer. I quickly chased him away and put the booklet in the deepest part of my study.

Even then, I wasn’t relieved, and it was only after I opened the other books and hid the thin booklet inside that I realized that my breathing was heavy. I felt awkward and embarrassed, and it was difficult to fall asleep.