By Zephyria 
Ha-jin suddenly remembered a sentence clearly in his head and his eyelids fluttered. It was part of a conversation he had with Eden while looking up at the night sky together in the gazebo in the middle of the rice paddies, just like now.
‘I’ll help as much as I can while we’re together. So that Byeol can have more good memories than bad ones.’
Suddenly, his throat felt scratchy and hoarse.
With a troubled expression, Ha-jin rubbed his face roughly and reached out towards the pack of cigarettes in Eden’s hand. Eden, understanding his intention, took out a cigarette and a lighter and placed them on Ha-jin’s palm.
Click, click. Ha-jin put the cigarette in his mouth, but it didn’t light, so he frowned as if annoyed. Eden took the green lighter from Ha-jin’s hand and lit it himself. Chaak—a small flame flared up, but Ha-jin didn’t tilt his head or bring the cigarette to the flame.
Thud, thud… The sound of rain hitting the tent echoed through the space.
“……”
“Do Ha-jin?”
Eden turned off the lighter he was holding. Ha-jin, for some reason, remained silent, his gaze lowered the whole time.
After a long time, Ha-jin, who had been frozen like a robot with a dead battery, muttered. The cigarette in his mouth fell onto his thigh.
“The magic show was the problem.”
“……”
“If it weren’t for the magic show, Byeol wouldn’t have come to Korea, and he would be in a safer place than he is now.”
Ha-jin clearly remembered Eden’s words that he regretted bringing him to Korea.
‘I regret it. I shouldn’t have brought Jeong Byeol.’
At that moment, he was intoxicated with a petty sense of superiority, spouting nonsense about helping the child and leaving him with only good memories. Not knowing that the reason he brought Jeong Byeol was all because of himself. Naturally, guilt pressed down on his chest.
Revealing himself to the world after 8 years to overcome his terrible trauma was a misstep. Especially at that time.
If he hadn’t held the magic show at this time, his younger brother Jun-seok wouldn’t have had to be separated from him like this, and Mi-so, who followed him, and Byeol, who flew all the way from the United States, wouldn’t have had to go through this hardship.
While he was lost in meaningless and unsubstantial self-loathing, Eden took out another cigarette and put it in his mouth. Tak, chiik—a point of light quickly flared up and died down in the dark night. After exhaling smoke a few times, he suddenly snorted.
Ha-jin, whose eyes had been on the floor the whole time, slightly raised his head at the smell of cigarette smoke tickling his nose. Eden, squinting one eye, sucked in the cigarette and whispered.
“Why don’t you shed some tears and say you should have never been born.”
Even though there was no one eavesdropping, it was a quiet and sarcastic whisper.
“…Excuse me?”
Eden’s sharp words flew at him again.
“Even so, isn’t it a bit cowardly to use a child’s admiration as a means of self-pity?”
Confusion began to spread in Ha-jin’s eyes, which had been blurry like they were filled with water.
“A means? What are you talking about?”
Eden, with a cigarette between his index and middle fingers, tilted his head. His eyes, looking at Ha-jin as if telling him to say what he had to say, were quite nonchalant.
Ha-jin reflexively clenched his fists tightly.
“…You don’t even know.”
He barely swallowed his anger and turned his gaze to the distance.
“If not, then what is it? Until just now, you were whining about how you shouldn’t have held the magic show, and if you hadn’t, Byeol wouldn’t have come here.”
“Who’s whining…!”
Ha-jin, finally raising his voice, jumped up from his seat. His shoulders automatically hunched over as his head touched the tent. He glared fiercely at Eden, standing awkwardly.
“It’s not self-pity. Can’t I even regret it?”
Eden, having thrown away the cigarette that had burned all the way down, met Ha-jin’s gaze as he stood next to him. Ha-jin, biting his lower lip with his upper teeth, continued in a trembling voice.
“I don’t regret holding the magic show, I regret not holding it sooner.”
“……”
“I couldn’t muster the courage for 8 years because of that damn stage fright, and now I’ve finally held a magic show. But then, damn zombies popped out and the audience was brutally bitten and killed in front of me. A seven-year-old child who came all the way from the United States to see a magic show can’t eat, can’t wash, and runs around in the hot weather until his white skin turns red.”
Once his mouth was open, his true feelings poured out like a flood. Ha-jin’s shoulders heaved greatly.
“If I had mustered the courage to stand on stage just a few years earlier, no, even just half a year earlier, at least no one would have died or been hurt because of me. This is the price of hesitating all along. The price of not mustering the courage sooner is like this….”
“Do Ha-jin.”
“And in this situation, when a child came to Korea because of me… Am I supposed to be happy like a soulless bastard, laughing it off as if nothing’s wrong?”
Ha-jin, clutching the hem of his stretched-out t-shirt tightly, swallowed his last breath.
“Can’t I even regret it?”
Thud… The rainwater that had collected on the tent poured down to the ground. The stars that had been shining faintly disappeared into the gathering dark clouds, and the cigarette smell that lingered subtly in the air spread more intensely in the raindrops.
Eden, who had been staring intently at Ha-jin’s trembling eyes, stood up from his seat. Ha-jin’s left shoulder, which was outside the tent, was soaked with rainwater.
“Sit down for a second.”
Ha-jin twisted his body as if telling him not to, at Eden’s hot touch that tightened around his wrist again.
“People as smart and rational as Jeong Tae-geon may only regret things for a fleeting moment, but I’m not like that.”
He was well aware that he was being overly emotional. But once his mouth was open, he couldn’t easily shut it. After pouring everything out like a tantrum, he felt a sense of relief and, at the same time, something welled up inside him.
Everything was overwhelming. Surviving the unknown Aberrant, going to see his brother whose life or death was unknown, magic, which had been his lifelong dream, and now….
Eden was still holding Ha-jin’s wrist. Even if he tried to pull his body away, he only tightened his grip with even more force.
“I know, so just sit down for a second.”
He didn’t want to talk anymore, but his hand was holding his wrist so tightly that it seemed like he wouldn’t let go until he sat down. Contrary to the anger rising from within, his weak wrist was screaming in pain. In the end, he had no choice but to give in and sit down next to him again.
“From now on, talk with words. Don’t use force like this. A magician’s hands are his life.”
Ha-jin snapped at Eden in a voice that even he thought was surly. Even in the midst of all that, he must have used his strength skillfully, as only red marks were left, and his wrist bones didn’t throb.
“I felt like you weren’t listening even when I used words, so I unconsciously used a little force.”
He was treating him like a child. Ha-jin puffed out his cheeks and turned his gaze away.
“Have you said everything you wanted to say?”
“About what?”
“If you have anything left to say, say it. I’ll listen.”
But as soon as he gave him the opportunity, his mouth clamped shut. Ha-jin, who had rarely ever confided his feelings to anyone like this in his life, hadn’t even thought about examining or picking up the emotions he had just poured out. He wasn’t even thinking about cleaning up the mess, and instead, he just thought, ‘Whatever will be, will be.’
Strangely, whenever he stood in front of Eden, his emotions would boil over like iron in a furnace.
Eden, who had been waiting for Ha-jin’s next words for a long time, took out one last cigarette and asked.
“Want another one?”
“…I’m okay.”
“Um, okay.”
But like iron that cools down with just a few refines, his bubbling emotions gradually subsided. Ha-jin, feeling a creeping sense of embarrassment, stubbornly kept his gaze fixed on the distance.
Thud—again, the raindrops that had been clinging to the tent fell to the ground. Eden turned his head to the opposite side of Ha-jin and scattered cigarette smoke into the air.
“I was too harsh earlier. I apologize.”
Ha-jin, who had been aimlessly stroking the palm of his hand that was about to be scratched with his thumb, paused.
Thank you, I’m sorry. Ha-jin knew that Eden was a human who could freely utter those words like a robot or out of habit, depending on the situation, but this time, for some reason, it felt different. Ha-jin’s head gradually lowered in embarrassment as he felt a faint sense of sincerity in his low voice.
“I was just uncomfortable with you feeling guilty about something you didn’t do wrong. Honestly, sometimes you seemed self-destructive.”
“……”
“You may or may not believe it, but I’m someone who’s had my fill of regret, so I know very well that there’s no emotion as painful as that.”
Ha-jin’s gaze turned back to him at Eden’s voice, which carefully uttered each word as if engraving letters.
“But one thing I want to tell you is that it’s still too early for you to regret it.”
Eden casually flicked the cigarette ash onto the floor and lowered his head to take a deep drag on the filter. Ha-jin twitched his lips as he watched Eden’s sharp profile and the smoke that dissipated hazily from his lips a moment later.
“You’re not dead yet. Nothing is over.”
Ha-jin, caught off guard, furrowed his eyebrows.
“So survive and stand on stage properly one more time. Byeol will like it a lot too.”