#202

Cullen was now running in the direction Kiyen had vanished. Despite the short amount of time that had passed, Kiyen had already disappeared from sight.

Black’s words came to mind: if Kiyen wanted to hide, even other Dragons couldn’t find him. A sense of helplessness washed over him at the thought of not being able to see him, even if he wanted to.

Cullen stopped in the middle of the empty plain. The surroundings were silent, as if the battle from earlier had never happened. The long-stemmed white silvergrass repeatedly bent and straightened with the wind. As he gazed at the way the blades of grass intertwined and brushed against each other, Kiyen came to mind.

Yes, in truth, no matter what, Kiyen had always been within him.

From the moment he chose to face death to the present, he had never stopped thinking about Kiyen. His assumptions that it would only be painful if he loved him, and his decisions that it was best not to have him by his side, were all actions taken because he thought of Kiyen.

To be a little more honest, Cullen couldn’t imagine a moment without Kiyen. A situation where he could never see him again.

Yet, the reason he tried to push Kiyen away was because he didn’t know how else to behave. He didn’t want him to disappear or be hurt, but at the same time, he was at a loss as to what was best.

He couldn’t act like before. He couldn’t smile at him, or cling to him, like his past self. It was difficult to show himself to him. It wasn’t that he disliked him, but he couldn’t smile.

Because Kiyen had called such a self of his disgusting.

Kiyen had said it wasn’t sincere, but Cullen knew well that he was a being who always spoke only the truth. Listening to Kiyen’s pleading words, Cullen would, at some point, find himself back on that day.

Back to that night when his love was merely disgusting and a terrible act to Kiyen.

“…Why did you follow me?”

As he was quietly examining his tangled heart, a voice came from behind. Cullen slowly turned his body. Amidst the rustling, bending silvergrass, Kiyen stood there. His gaze moved from the tips of Kiyen’s wings, gently swaying with the wind, and then slowly to his face.

His white forehead was slightly furrowed. His eyes, beneath long lashes, watched Cullen as if in pain, and his lips were tightly pressed together. Kiyen looked at him as if holding something back.

“Are you injured anywhere?”

He asked first, wondering if he had sustained an injury he didn’t know about. A shadow fell across Kiyen’s face. The look of pain deepened. Kiyen lowered his eyes silently, looked at Cullen, and then spoke.

“Do not be kind to me. The more you are, the harder it is to stay away.”

With those words, Kiyen took a step back. His movements seemed to be self-restraining. Afraid that the one he had finally found would disappear again, words involuntarily came out.

“There is no need for you to do that.”

He wasn’t sure if they could do anything together right away. He still believed that it was safer for Kiyen to be away from him than by his side.

Moreover, he lacked the confidence that he could show Kiyen the self he wanted, the self Kiyen desired. While wondering if it was meaningful to keep Kiyen by his side when they couldn’t become lovers immediately…

As Cat had said, it didn’t seem right to cause him pain under the guise of looking out for Kiyen.

“It’s not that I dislike seeing you, Kiyen. It’s better to be together than to be alone.”

At the words “let’s be together,” Kiyen’s expression brightened for a moment. Like a child expecting something, he took half a step forward and asked Cullen.

“…You don’t dislike me?”

“Yes.”

“Then are you accepting me?”

He couldn’t answer that. He knew what emotions were included in the meaning of acceptance.

Cullen quietly observed Kiyen. Kiyen was still beautiful. Pitiful, lovely, and hard to tear his eyes away from.

But if asked whether he could hold him and kiss him right now, it wasn’t certain. The kiss from last time had certainly evoked a ticklish tenderness, but he no longer felt the urge to kiss him just by looking at him, as he had in the past.

That’s why he thought it wasn’t love.

“I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?”

At Cullen’s denial, Kiyen’s eyes instantly looked hurt. He bit his lip and whispered in a mournful voice.

“It’s fine if we don’t become lovers right away. But, could you at least smile for me? I don’t expect you to call my name. So…”

That was…

Cullen’s lips moved. He tried to force a smile that involuntarily formed whenever he stood before him, but his expression was awkward. Cullen wasn’t a person who smiled much in the first place. Kiyen was the one who made him smile.

“It will be difficult for now.”

Seeing Cullen answer with his expression erased, Kiyen’s eyes contorted. His wavering pupils held disappointment and a strange anger.

“You smiled so readily at her.”

At the word “her,” Cullen blinked. For a moment, he wondered who he was referring to, but then he thought of Ulli.

“Are you talking about Ulli?”

When Ulli’s name was mentioned, Kiyen’s complexion turned pale. He stubbornly bit his lip, closed his eyes as if in pain, and murmured.

“Yes, the woman you ultimately took in, even though she tried to kill you.”

Ulli’s first meeting came out of Kiyen’s mouth. He knew from the beginning that Kiyen hadn’t wanted Ulli to join them, but he hadn’t known Kiyen was still bothered by it.

“Is she the reason you can’t accept me?”

Kiyen asked in a choked voice. Cullen frowned and shook his head.

“No.”

“I saw you interacting with her so casually. All the humans said that you and she…”

Kiyen paused, and a pained sigh escaped him.

“Were lovers.”

Having uttered those words, Kiyen opened his eyes. It became clear then what misunderstanding he had. He had thought he was distant, unable to feel, but it seemed he had heard all the rumors from nearby. His incomprehensible words from earlier also became clear then.

“Ulli is a friend. I have never thought of her that way.”

“Didn’t you show her a smile that you couldn’t show me? You said you couldn’t accept me for your sake, but you never allowed what I so desperately wanted.”

Kiyen’s voice rose. It was like back then. Like when he had spat out sharp words filled with despair and anger.

“You were always like that. You have too many precious people. You always save someone, never listen to me, and yet you say you love me. Even at that crucial moment, you ultimately took the humans’ side. All I wanted was for you to be by my side!”

As his voice grew louder, Cullen’s insides felt dizzy. Something he had suppressed felt like it was about to burst. Kiyen’s last sentence was what made it explode.

“Was I ever your most precious being?”

Hearing those words, his mind went blank. His churning stomach felt suffocatingly blocked. It shouldn’t have been Kiyen, of all people, saying such a thing.

His fists clenched tightly. Veins stood out on the back of his hands, which were tense with force. Cullen took a shallow breath, his eyes contorted, and said.

“Ulli is indeed a precious person to me.”

At Cullen’s words, Kiyen’s eyes wavered. Gritting his teeth, he was about to say something, but Cullen stopped him with his next words.

“But I wouldn’t have committed suicide for Ulli.”

Cullen truly could do anything for Kiyen.

“Don’t you understand, Kiyen?”

He knew Kiyen was clumsy. Cullen himself was clumsy with emotions. To the point where he was only now realizing that he resented Kiyen. Nevertheless, Cullen tried.

“You have never tried to understand me.”

To understand him, no matter what.

Even though he had hurt him, Cullen had never resented him, from the environment Kiyen had lived in to why he acted that way. Until the point where he urged him to die, Cullen had never resented him.

“If I try to trust you, your words to me keep coming back. That night you called all my efforts disgusting, the words that said my death was the only way to make you happy, they just keep…!”

Cullen shouted in a voice that had cracked, his cry spreading. The moment the cry, like a sob, spread, Kiyen blinked and froze.

“It might be three years ago for you, Kiyen, but for me, it’s like yesterday. Yes, I remember you saying it wasn’t sincere. But, Kiyen…”

Cullen let out a breath tinged with moisture and whispered the feelings he had just realized in this moment.

“The wounds I received from loving you have not yet healed.”

Kiyen’s long eyelashes trembled slightly. He looked at Cullen with a bewildered expression and moved his lips. Watching him, Cullen let out a long sigh.

His head ached, and his throat felt tight. As he finally confronted the emotions within him that he thought he had overcome, Cullen finally realized that it had indeed hurt.

“I’m afraid that if a similar situation arises, you’ll say the same thing to me again. I’m afraid you’ll say touching me was disgusting. Like when Kia appeared, if another Dragon appears, you’ll cut me off, I…”

The last word, which had been shaking in confusion, scattered as Kiyen hugged him tightly. His strong, long arms enveloped Cullen.

As he was held in his broad embrace, Cullen bit his lip tightly. The resentment he had buried rose, and though he knew it was unlike him, he raised his hand to push Kiyen away. With great force, he pushed against his chest, and Kiyen was pushed back halfway.

In the eyes of Kiyen, who he met then, guilt and sorrow were overflowing.

“I was wrong.”

Kiyen whispered, holding Cullen again desperately. His white hand gently wrapped around his broad back. It was not forceful, but careful, as if touching something precious.

“I was truly wrong…”

At the earnest whisper, like a plea, Cullen lowered the hand he had been about to push away. Unrefined breaths repeatedly scattered and gathered. Moisture gathered in the shallow sighs he exhaled.

“Don’t cry.”

And only after hearing those words did Cullen realize he was crying.