#170

Cullen had slept for a long time. More precisely, he had floated in darkness, without thinking anything at all.

There were times when consciousness flickered in and out. These were usually brief, happy memories. Days spent laughing in his mother and father’s arms, afternoons playing by braiding Sasha’s hair, Gale telling scary stories and promising to protect him, times with his companions…

But sometimes, very rarely, Cullen would recall the night he met his end. This was one of those times. The air was thick with the smell of blood. He was exhausted, his hands stained with the blood of a beloved companion. On a cliff edge, just before falling, he reached out to the one he loved and cherished.

To hold him.

That night, Cullen’s insides were crumbling one by one. Crushed by the weight of the events he had caused, overwhelmed by yet another loss.

So, he secretly wished. That the kind dragon before him would think of him, even a little.

He knew everyone didn’t have the luxury. The fault was ultimately his. He had failed to protect the one he loved, sending him into the hands of enemies, and he had failed to understand him completely.

Despite all that, Cullen also needed someone to hold him. He wanted a shoulder to lean on to soothe his sorrow. He wished for that person to be the one he loved. It was a selfish thought, but his weary heart kept wanting it.

But the answer he received was not that.

“Die.”

The dragon said so, a kind smile plastered on his face.

“That was the condition I wanted from the start. I cooperated with you for my own liberation. I never cared for you. I never enjoyed the moments I touched you. You are the most terrible Larkan among the Larkans. You have no idea how disgusted I was enduring you.”

Terrible, and disgusting.

Never enjoyed the moments of contact.

All the love he had given until then was merely that to the dragon. Seeing his back turn as if he had never expected anything, Cullen could only make one decision. To prove his only worth. To compensate for the terrible moments the dragon had endured.

It was death.

And the moment he recalled that, Cullen realized he had met his death. As if suddenly waking from sleep, his mind became clear. Tension spread, and a voice echoed in his head.

‘You are awake, child.’

It was a voice he had heard before. More precisely, it was a will transmitted from all around. Cullen blinked slowly. Or so he thought. In reality, nothing moved.

‘You are merely a consciousness now. You could also call it a soul.’

In the darkness, Cullen awakened his frozen consciousness. As his mind cleared, questions arose one by one.

‘I am dead.’

‘Yes.’

‘Is this place where the dead reside?’

Cullen tried to look around. But the surroundings were a deep darkness, with no light entering.

‘No. The dead enter the cycle of reincarnation, mixed with the flow of fate. At least, humans do.’

‘Humans?’

When Cullen asked again, the goddess was silent for a moment. A humming vibration could be felt.

‘Akesis and I are great beings who rule this continent, but we do not have the power to manipulate the flow of fate. Humans are life born from the stream of fate. Your souls return to where they came from. I cannot interfere with such things.’

These were words difficult to comprehend. The things the goddess spoke of were too grand for a mere human to grasp. All Cullen could think of was that he would never see those who had left before him again.

‘Then, no matter how their lives were, there is no compensation for that tragedy?’

He asked, thinking of the people who had lived virtuously. A storm arose in his heart, which had been calm for a while. It was painful. The fact that they received no solace even in death. He had hoped they would be happy, at least in death, but was that not the case either?

‘From what I’ve observed, it’s not entirely so. You carried a great burden, child, so I will tell you something special. Your family will be happy in their next life. Fate arranges things that way. It prepares the next life by observing the lives souls have lived. Though the duration is unclear, they will be happy when they descend to the earth again.’

Only after hearing the goddess’s answer did Cullen feel a small sense of relief. Sadness and longing also brushed past him. He had believed that if he died, he would be able to meet his loved ones again. But ultimately, there was no way to see the beings he had lost.

As if sensing his thoughts, the goddess said.

‘If you live long enough, perhaps you might meet them again. The colors of souls are strong. They will retain the names and appearances you remember.’

Cullen dryly retorted to Aksha’s words about life.

‘It has nothing to do with me.’

Hadn’t he died? He had put an end to a life lived in disarray. Though the feeling was bitter, having escaped a life where he couldn’t make his loved ones happy, he also felt a sense of peace.

‘Well now.’

The goddess said so and then whispered conspiratorially.

‘You are here, aren’t you? You haven’t entered the cycle of circulation yet.’

Cullen then began to connect the goddess’s explanation with his situation. According to her words, he should be waiting for the moment of rebirth, having died.

‘Why…’

As he murmured softly, the goddess provided the answer.

‘It is because your body still remains in the mortal world. The body is a vessel that holds the soul. There is a connection between them, and only when the body completely perishes will you enter the cycle of circulation. This is also why I can save you. I can create entirely new life, but I cannot bring a dead human back as they were. However, in a case like yours, it is possible with a little strain.’

Listening to the string of words, Cullen gradually noticed something strange.

‘Did you say you would save me?’

‘Yes.’

He didn’t understand. He didn’t want it either. While he was alive, he wasn’t always sad, but he didn’t want to experience the tragedies he had gone through again.

‘Why is that? I… do not wish to be revived.’

‘It is not what I wish. However, I received a request. A prayer that sacrifices life is difficult for even me to ignore.’

‘…A request, you said?’

Who would want him to be saved? As the thought echoed in Cullen’s mind, Kihelene flashed by, but he didn’t think they had such power.

Suddenly, an absurd hypothesis crossed Cullen’s mind and then disappeared. …No, it couldn’t be him. Didn’t he want him to die?

‘The being you love so dearly is calling you. Though created by Akesis, he is a weak and pitiful child. He wishes for your return.’

But the impossible turned out to be true. The goddess’s words threw Cullen into confusion.

‘That cannot be. He… wanted me to die.’

The goddess was silent for a moment after hearing Cullen’s words. Then she said.

‘I did not expect this either. I shared the kind emotions you held with the newly born dragons, but I gave nothing to that child. I did not expect him to grieve so.’

Aksha muttered to herself, sounding puzzled. The word “sad” made Cullen flinch. Even though this was the one who had said they hated and loathed him, the emotion that had intensely colored his soul seemed to linger. Seeing that worry was the first thing that came to mind upon hearing the word “sad.”

‘You can refuse if you don’t want to. You can do that much.’

Cullen thought with a confused heart. The words “Dragon is sad” kept echoing in his mind.

He could do that. The situation he had faced was one of chaos and despair, so perhaps after time had passed, he felt guilt upon seeing that he had died. After all, he was someone who grieved even when a small animal died.

He was cruel to me, yet he was also kind and gentle.

Looking back, his own act of choosing death before him must have been a shock. A single word of sadness brought forth countless worries. The Dragon always had a side to him like a child left alone. If he was sad even after finding the race he so desperately sought, was it because he had no one to care for him?

That must be it.

Cullen fell silent, then asked.

‘Is there something I need to do if I go down?’

‘Just go wherever your feet take you.’

Cullen didn’t believe her entirely. Since the goddess herself had spoken, there must be a reason.

‘After I died… has the world become safe?’

‘Not quite. But there’s no need for you to know. If you weren’t going to come back to life, knowing wouldn’t change anything.’

The goddess was mischievous. However, Cullen was now too exhausted to even feel resentment towards anyone. He said calmly.

‘If you need me, then do as you wish.’

The world before his death was chaotic. Aksha had said the world was not safe, so perhaps the chaos from then was continuing. He didn’t know how much time had passed, but he would find out when he returned.

Cullen listed the reasons one by one. First, he wanted the world where the people he loved would be reborn and live to be safe. If he could somehow be of help, he could gladly dedicate himself to their future. He had lived his entire life that way.

Moreover, if coming back to life was a way to alleviate the Dragon’s guilt, then that too was an atonement he could make. Atonement for the terrible time the Dragon had to endure.

‘Alright.’

The goddess replied calmly. Cullen asked her one more thing.

‘I have something to ask.’

‘Speak.’

‘If I come back to life, can you make it so I don’t feel emotions?’

At Cullen’s words, the goddess asked back, puzzled.

‘Why?’

The answer was clear.

‘I don’t want to be tormented anymore.’

Before meeting the Dragon, Cullen asked for what he had tried so hard to achieve but failed. If he didn’t feel emotions, he wouldn’t be in pain. He wouldn’t have to be sad, nor would he ruin things with unnecessary feelings. Most importantly, he didn’t want to end up loving the Dragon again and disgusting him.

He had only caused trouble by falling in love with the Dragon.

But the Dragon was a beautiful and gentle being, so if he had emotions, he would fall for him again. Cullen didn’t want that.

‘Will you truly not be tormented if you have no emotions?’

The goddess asked, genuinely curious.

‘Yes.’

Cullen was certain. At his quiet reply, the goddess laughed.

‘Then I shall place a Golden Seal upon you. I cannot completely remove emotions. That is the strongest power humans possess. However, I can seal them away. How to undo it… you will know when the time comes.’

When you truly wish for it.

The last words echoed faintly. Like a whisper heard in sleep, they soon vanished from his mind.

With the goddess’s words, the surroundings changed. The space that had been filled only with darkness began to turn white. Cullen encountered a myriad of sensations swirling and enveloping him. It was cold, cool, and smelled faintly sour. The scent of grass and the sound of birds reached him.

The five senses, which rushed in like a storm all at once, flooded into a chest that felt as if it had been empty. After a strong wave of dizziness hit his entire body, Cullen felt a familiar sensation. The heavy feeling, the sensation of moving his body according to his will, the feeling from his living days.

Cullen slowly opened his eyes. He managed to lift his heavy eyelids. The images that came into view were blurry.

The first thing he felt was a warm heat touching his cheek. Wondering whose warmth it was, Cullen turned his head in that direction.

He saw golden light scattering in the sunlight. Cullen discovered sharp pupils and golden irises staring intently at him. A face so familiar it was etched into his eyes.

Kiyen.

Cullen quietly repeated his name. But it was different from before.

In the past, merely calling his name would surely fill Cullen with overwhelming happiness and pain.

But at this moment.

Even while looking at him, Cullen felt nothing.