#069

From the moment they first met, Kiyen had always shown unexpected facets. The unpredictability, one of the myriad reasons Cullen was captivated by him, was evident once again at this moment.

His throat felt choked for a moment by the unexpected question. His entire being, from his throat downwards, felt stifled and blocked.

That heavy feeling rose.

Kiyen was waiting for Cullen’s answer. He had posed a question that Cullen didn’t know how to begin answering, his face filled with confusion.

Seeing him look so disoriented, like a wandering being, Cullen slowly opened his mouth.

“To like someone… you don’t need a species. I like you, Kiyen-nim, because you are Kiyen-nim.”

But Kiyen immediately countered.

“Are you fond of me like one is fond of an animal?”

“No.”

“Then in what way do you like me?”

As Cullen spoke of the feelings he himself hadn’t fully organized, he slowly began to solidify them. One by one, the things he wanted to say came out of his mouth.

“I like holding hands with Kiyen-nim. I like it when Kiyen-nim is by my side, or when you show me any emotion…”

“That’s something you can do with my words too.”

“But I can’t kiss you, Kiyen-nim. I can’t have conversations like this.”

Kiyen, who had been refuting him without pause, fell silent for a moment. Cullen inwardly wished that even half of his feelings would reach him. But Kiyen brought forth logic that was difficult to refute again.

“I am not human.”

His voice rang out clearly.

“The intercourse with you was only possible because I took human form; my true form is not like that. You are mistaken because of my form.”

“That…”

The feelings that had been pouring out without hindrance were blocked. Cullen involuntarily furrowed his brows and looked up at Kiyen with a helpless expression. His wings, his changing eyes, all were fine, but Cullen hadn’t seen his true form.

Although he felt a certainty that it would be alright, he dared not answer so. Because he couldn’t utter words he couldn’t keep, Cullen remained silent.

“I am a Dragon. I live in human form, captured by humans, but my essence is different from yours. Our lives, our powers, our thoughts, all are different. My emotions and your emotions are different. Human emotions are not the emotions a Dragon feels.”

However, he could not agree with this part. Cullen believed that all living beings, including animals, felt the same when faced with death and life. Fear, dread, affection, devotion…

Even if they couldn’t speak, all moving things would eventually feel emotions.

“If it is alive, it will eventually feel the same.”

Kiyen remained firm.

“That is also just the thought of you, a human. You have never been another species.”

The confusion that had colored Kiyen’s eyes gradually subsided. He, too, seemed to have organized his thoughts, his expression returning to its usual state.

“If what you speak of is what humans call affection…”

A cruel sentence fell from his beautiful lips.

“You and I will never be able to share the same emotions.”

A small gust of wind blew. The swirling sandstorm that swept past them ruffled Kiyen’s long hair. He cherished the sight of his pale face in his eyes.

Even though he was saying words that were all painful, Cullen thought that even those aspects were good because they were Kiyen. What he liked was Kiyen, the ‘Dragon.’

It was strange.

That he could feel joy even amidst sadness.

Cullen slowly curved his lips. Though it felt like dozens of blades had pierced his heart, he had no intention of shaking off this feeling.

It’s okay.

Cullen didn’t want beautiful love. He hadn’t intended to build a happy life with Kiyen or expect anything from him. He was grateful for the existence of someone he could love without reservation. That was why he couldn’t help but love Kiyen, so…

“It’s fine.”

Perhaps this was the form of relationship he had wanted.

“I merely wanted to convey the reason for my actions. I wasn’t asking for anything from you.”

Kiyen denied it, as if speaking to himself.

“Humans have always wanted something from me.”

“But not all humans are the same.”

“You are of Larkan’s blood, not anyone else’s.”

“Yet I am not a complete Larkan.”

The words exchanged were not the kind typically shared by those who had just confessed their feelings. Still, Cullen didn’t dislike it. The pain slowly subsided. Instead of disappearing, it quietly settled, sinking deep into his heart.

“What do you want from me?”

Kiyen asked, as if he absolutely had to. Amidst the tangled emotions, Cullen found the answer.

“I wish you happiness.”

“……What?”

“I’m not trying to do anything with Kiyen-nim. We are in a contractual relationship, and Kiyen-nim is helping me, so that is enough. But as I said, I like you…”

The slightly curved lips eventually formed a perfect arc.

A white smile graced his cool face. His dark eyebrows curved softly, and his purple eyes crinkled, shining brilliantly. A smile colored the face that had previously only conveyed a sharp impression.

It was a gentle smile, like moonlight.

“I just want you to be happy.”

Cullen’s smile interrupted Kiyen’s sharp retort. On the barren desert where his heart was rejected, a human speaking his desires not with sorrow, but with a smile.

The golden light in Kiyen’s eyes deepened. His gaze, as if watching the strangest thing in the world, caught Cullen’s attention.

“That’s incomprehensible.”

“The world isn’t always filled with comprehensible things.”

“You… you want me to be happy, even if I give you nothing…?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t believe it.”

Kiyen was unusually suspicious today. As if Kiyen’s confusion affected the surroundings, a strong wind blew in. Cullen stood firm amidst the raging wind and spoke.

“You don’t have to believe it. Just stay as you are.”

The surging air seemed to swell. The wind, which had scattered the desert sand in an instant, soon vanished without a trace. Kiyen, with a hardened expression, watched Cullen, then slowly walked past him. The fleeting scent of lilies gradually faded.

Instead of looking back, Cullen stood for a long time, gazing at the boundary where Kiyen had stood.

Was it not good enough?

Perhaps so. Cullen thought. He was far from romantic, and he had never had the knack for making those he liked happy.

That was the only thing that made him a little sad.

Kiyen did not sleep in Cullen’s bed as he had before. Looking at Kiyen’s closed door, Cullen finally fell asleep as the dawn deepened and the moon was hidden by clouds. He, who had slept without dreaming for the first time in a long while, woke up in the late afternoon.

The first thing he saw upon opening his eyes was Arne. Eyes full of worry were right in front of Cullen’s nose.

“You’re awake!”

“……Arne, why are you so close?”

“You slept for so long, which is unlike the usual Cullen-nim. I was watching over you, thinking you might be ill. I even asked Lasano-nim for healing, but you kept sleeping…”

At those words, Cullen looked out the window and saw the sun had already turned yellow. He had woken up before evening. It seemed to have been an incredibly exhausting day.

“It’s because I haven’t slept properly for days. I’m fine, please step back.”

“Yes. Would you like to eat first?”

Arne presented a wooden tray as if it were already prepared.

“You don’t have to do this for me. I didn’t bring you here to have you do such things.”

“I apologize if I made you uncomfortable. It’s just a habit from taking care of children… But if you’re worried about me, I’m fine!”

Arne said, waving his hand. Cullen quietly looked down at the wooden tray and thought. Was it because of this nature that many children liked Arne? At least, he seemed to have a knack for making others happy or taking care of them better than Cullen.

If I were like that, would yesterday’s conversation with Kiyen have been a little different?

A thought that suddenly surfaced upon waking, Cullen accepted the tray. Though he told himself not to think about it too much, he ended up asking Arne.

“Where is Kiyen-nim?”

“He’s on the first floor with Lasano-nim. They were watching over you because you weren’t waking up, and then he went downstairs after saying you seemed like you’d wake soon.”

Hearing that, his insides burned. The mere words that Kiyen had been watching over him kept replaying in his mind, and Cullen pressed his lips together. Even after being rejected so thoroughly, it was amusing to himself that just that sentence made him feel better.

However, his mind was at ease. Since he expected nothing from Kiyen, he could live sufficiently with just this much action. Though he didn’t know how much time he had been granted.

“I understand.”

“Then please eat. I’ll go down to the first floor as well. In about an hour, people will gather for a ritual. Will you participate?”

“Yes.”

It was something he was involved in, and Dadin was a place Cullen felt a certain sense of belonging, so it was natural.

After hearing his answer, Arne smiled shyly. His innocent face belied his tall stature. Cullen suddenly wondered if he had become too accustomed to the scene surrounding him.

After a simple meal, he washed up and came down to find everyone gathered. Seeing three pairs of eyes fixed on him the moment he descended the stairs, Cullen silently headed for the table.

“You’re awake, Cullen-nim! I waited so eagerly. I thought I would suffocate to death standing next to Kiyen-nim.”

Lasano quickly stood up from the table. He seemed to have finished preparing to leave, covering his face and hair as if he were now enjoying that attire.

“You had a difficult morning, so now it’s Cullen-nim’s turn. Come on, come out with Kiyen-nim.”

Then Lasano pulled Arne. Arne looked back and forth between Cullen and Lasano, then was naturally pulled along by the tugging force. In an instant, as they were left alone, an awkward atmosphere filled the space. Kiyen spoke first.

“You may take the woman named Ulli as you please.”

“……Were you not displeased?”

“It doesn’t matter. Because the reason you changed your decision doesn’t sit well with me.”

Saying that, Kiyen also rose from his seat. Instead of leaving first, he waited for Cullen and quietly added.

“I have no intention of acting differently than before.”

“I prefer it that way too.”

Their eyes met.

“Let’s go.”

At Kiyen’s words, Cullen nodded. Watching his retreating back as they walked at the same pace, Cullen whispered to himself.

It worked out.

It was a good thing.

This much… was good for me too.