By Zephyria 
“Noona?”
“…….”
“You didn’t originally like men, either?”
“……It was curiosity, or a misunderstanding, or something like that.”
“I didn’t say anything to you.”
“I thought you would in the future.”
“I was actually going to.”
Eun-ha said, sounding deflated. But he was also dumbfounded that Yeon-jun had beaten him to it.
Eun-ha let out a dry, hollow laugh and then just stroked his crossed arms, as if to say, what more could he say? Yeon-jun, who had been looking down at his face as he pondered his bewilderment, moved a little closer, his eyes flickering. Until they were close enough to almost touch shoulders.
“Hyung is really…….”
“…….”
“……I think you’re like a Hyung.”
“I think I’ve heard that before.”
Eun-ha tilted his head as if asking for a more detailed explanation. Yeon-jun lightly rubbed the back of his neck and turned his gaze far away, across the street.
“It’s just, that’s the feeling I get.”
“What feeling?”
“Something…… I guess you could say you seem skilled and mature.”
Eun-ha snorted. He didn’t know if he should be glad that he seemed that way, or if he should correct him and say that it was all just your fantasy and delusion.
“If I were really mature, I wouldn’t be doing this with you right now.”
He replied with self-deprecation. He himself didn’t think of himself that way at all, so it was a little strange that someone else saw him that way.
Well, everything is relative, I guess. When he was twenty, Kim Ji-woon, who was twenty-six, seemed very mature and distant.
He thinks now that maybe that was the problem.
Somehow, he seemed different, and the vague feeling that the age gap gave him was replaced by an anxious feeling. The seemingly hopeless distance gave him hope that he would get closer. And on top of that, admiration. That’s why he ended up having such a desperate, burning crush.
But back then, he didn’t have such a cold-hearted judgment. He had no ability to discern. He was just fascinated by what was in front of him and nurtured his feelings. He seemed serious compared to his peers, and after his admiration turned into affection, he liked him more and more uncontrollably.
He wanted to date him, he fantasized about it every day, and then when he saw him talking to someone else in a friendly way, he was jealous and depressed…….
On the rare days when he got to talk to him, he would replay the moment all night long, and he would worry every day about how he could get closer. When his title changed from Assistant Instructor to Hyung, he pretended to be nonchalant in front of him, but later he even teared up. Just one act of kindness from that Hyung made his heart feel like it was going to explode. He felt like he was the main character in the world. He felt special…….
He was a very kind and careful person, both in his public image and in his actual personality, but he wasn’t like that in sexual relationship. Eun-ha saw blood in his first experience, which he had not long after they started dating. It was painful and scary without any good feelings. He didn’t stop even when he asked him to stop. He was so embarrassed and sad by that unfamiliar side of him, but the warmth of his embrace after the relationship was over was so warm that he couldn’t help but hug him. He whispered in his ear as he sobbed that he liked him so much, that he couldn’t control his excitement……. His foolish heart was softened by the comforting words.
Looking back now, it was just a disgusting desire.
I was twenty years old then. Just. Just twenty years old.
But even then, he didn’t think it was wrong. He believed that nothing was wrong. He didn’t know anything. Every time Hyung whispered that he liked him in his crying ear, he seemed to feel a sense of fulfillment for having satisfied him. He was ridiculously happy. And then he thought that he had to satisfy Hyung more. So he had to endure it……. Maybe that’s why he’s been repeating such stupid sexual relationships to this day, because that’s how he learned about sex. Really stupidly.
And, also, that Hyung…….
“Hyung.”
A low call pulled him back to reality as if he were being dragged away. The scenery in front of him came into view one by one as he struggled to regain his senses. The dark night sky. The university fence. The narrow path that stretched out along with him. Streetlights lined up at intervals.
Unconsciously, he had been digging into his past with Kim Ji-woon. Even as he was buried in the suffocating weight.
His heart was pounding in his ears. Eun-ha, who had been frozen in the coldness that made his whole body feel like it was freezing over, calmed his mind and gave a calm answer.
“Why.”
“Can I touch you?”
It was a nonsensical question. Enough to make the breath that was about to become rough and unsteady suddenly deflate.
Eun-ha looked at Yeon-jun, who had distracted him. He hesitated for a moment, then lowered his eyes as if he was a little embarrassed. Eun-ha unconsciously followed his gaze and saw his hand and Yeon-jun’s hand, not quite touching.
The hand that had been like that all day. Behind his back, occasionally grabbing the hem of his sleeve. As if touching him even a little would be a great discourtesy.
He would have thought nothing of it if he had just grabbed it without saying anything.
What was the big deal.
“…Now I have an official chance to seduce Hyung.”
Eun-ha smiled weakly. If making people feel constantly dumbfounded was a talent, then it was a talent.
“Seduce what.”
“It’s true, isn’t it.”
“Oh, come on…….”
“That’s right. You said you’d meet me.”
“Yeah. So?”
“Then in the meantime……. Isn’t it okay to touch you a little?”
“You’re drunk.”
“A little.”
“…….”
“Is it not okay?”
It was a plaintive voice that sounded like a whine. His alcohol tolerance must be quite low……. How much did he drink at the mansion back then? Eun-ha thought absently and raised one arm. Here, he dangled his wrist as if presenting it, and Yeon-jun looked at it, pulling his neck back slightly. Like someone who still needed more time to prepare himself.
Then he slowly reached out his hand. He first wrapped it around the inside of his wrist, then carefully grabbed the whole thing. The thumbprint on the edge of the back of his hand rubbed against his skin for a moment. Eun-ha lowered his raised arm.
He walked with his wrist held. He could feel the warmth of his body, and the sensation of his skin being wrapped tightly was also vivid.
He heard a slow sigh next to him. Once, twice. It felt like he was groaning in exhaustion, and Eun-ha raised the corners of his lips slightly.
No matter how you look at it, it’s not like he’s trying to do anything to me, it’s just for his own satisfaction…….
“Are you satisfied?”
“Yes…….”
His honest answer made him laugh.
“I feel like I’m getting the short end of the stick.”
Not only is he meeting me ten times, but he’s even allowing me to touch him.
He said it like a joke, but Yeon-jun didn’t seem to know that, and he just covered his face with his other palm. Then he lowered his head and rubbed his face with his fingers as if he were crumpling it up. The words popped out with a hollow laugh at the sight of his seemingly grateful gesture. What are you doing.
All that came back was a groan that sounded like he was in a lot of pain.
“Because I’m happy. Really…….”
The cool night air passed by his ears. Eun-ha looked down at the place where they were touching. His large hand neatly wrapped around his wrist. The bones on the back of his hand, which were sticking out, were reddish. As if the heat inside was leaking out.
He asked for something so grand, I thought he would at least hold my hand, but it was funny that it was just my wrist. It was also funny that he was reacting like this just from holding my wrist.
Does he not remember that we’ve already slept together?
Eun-ha, who had been briefly embarrassed by the memory of what had happened back then, soon found it funny again. The hand that was clinging to him was hot, and he kept sighing next to him as if he was having a hard time.
It was really funny.
Funny…….
“…….”
What else could there be? Eun-ha cut off his thoughts.