By Zephyria 
Although Eun-ha was wary of and rejected feelings beyond mere liking in a partner, even he couldn’t help but develop some emotions within a relationship. It was only natural. The person he was seeing became the closest and most intimate presence in Eun-ha’s life during that time.
As they spent time together, affection grew, and a considerable sense of familiarity developed. Of course, he drew a line and didn’t go beyond it, but he didn’t know how things might change when he was mentally vulnerable. Or he might even act out the ‘crazy disease’ Gu Hae-bin had named…
He didn’t want to cause that kind of trouble. He didn’t want to become pathetic… There was nothing more terrible than recognizing his own ugliness.
It was timely, as Jeong Tae-geon’s minor actions were gradually becoming uncomfortable.
“Say that again.”
Immediately after Eun-ha’s statement, Jeong Tae-geon’s eyes changed, and he interrogated him. He spoke with a chillingly cold face, and when Eun-ha repeated himself clearly, Jeong Tae-geon fell silent for a moment with an even colder expression. Then, he laughed briefly as if dumbfounded. From that twisted smile, Eun-ha sensed it. He wouldn’t be able to break up nicely this time either.
“So, you’re saying you were playing with me?”
“You were planning to end it, but why were you spreading your legs? Was it, ‘Eat this and get lost’? Is that it?”
“This is fucking… you’re treating me like an idiot.”
That was Jeong Tae-geon’s main point. That Eun-ha had been playing with him. But that was never his intention.
“You really know how to play with people’s emotions, Lee Eun-ha?”
They fought for two hours straight after that. In the beginning, Eun-ha had responded calmly to the aggressive tone, but as he thought about it, he became angry and raised his voice as well. He felt annoyed. The very situation of having to fight was irritating.
Couldn’t they end things on good terms?
They weren’t even in a romantic relationship, and arguing wouldn’t lead to any meaningful outcome in their relationship. All that would happen was that they would turn away feeling upset with each other, so why cause conflict? He couldn’t understand it.
They had even agreed on it when they started seeing each other. To treat each other only as partners and to break up cleanly when the time came.
Back then, Jeong Tae-geon had scoffed at Eun-ha’s request. He said he was stating the obvious. He hated that kind of thing. At the time, Eun-ha had liked that. He had thought that maybe this time, they could have a clean and mature relationship.
But now, what a mess…
He thought of the Officetel that had become a disaster. Fortunately or unfortunately, there was no physical fight, but Jeong Tae-geon, unable to control his anger, had broken a standing lamp. He had also thrown his phone carelessly on the floor. Then, as if trying to suppress his anger, he tensed his sternocleidomastoid muscles, put his hands on his waist, and closed his eyes tightly. Even that felt threatening to Eun-ha.
The violently escalating flow of the conversation was absurd, and he felt disgusted by the fact that he was the main character in such a violent situation. The man he had thought he had become quite close to while spending time together felt foreign and uncomfortable, like a complete stranger. Once his affection had worn off, he no longer had the will to talk, so when there was a brief lull, he simply packed his belongings and left the house.
“I’m the one who actually owns the place.”
He had chosen to leave because it seemed faster than kicking Jeong Tae-geon out, but the fact that he was running away in the middle of the night and walking aimlessly was undeniably ridiculous.
Eun-ha, recalling the storm that had just passed, took a deep breath. His chest felt tight. He felt like he wanted to throw up something.
Why did it turn out like this again? That was all he could think, and his mood plummeted to its worst.
He stared at the distant night sky and impulsively took out his phone. He called Gu Hae-bin. Gu Hae-bin was the only person Eun-ha could confide in when something bad happened. He felt like he could breathe a little easier if he could just say a few words.
The ringing tone went on for a long time. Just as he was about to hang up, thinking Hae-bin was asleep, there was a click, and the call connected.
Hello. What is it?
And as soon as Eun-ha heard Gu Hae-bin’s reply, he regretted it. There was a rough undercurrent of barely suppressed excitement in his calmly lowered voice.
In an instant, Eun-ha realized what he had been doing and grimaced. No, why did he even answer the phone? He should have just ignored it…
“…Seems like you’re busy.”
What’s wrong?
He asked right away without Eun-ha saying anything. Eun-ha closed his slightly parted lips. It was midnight. It wasn’t a very appropriate time to receive a call from a friend.
But what’s wrong… that immediate concern instantly sobered him up like a splash of cold water.
Eun-ha, who had swallowed the complaint he was about to spill out, rubbed the back of his neck for no reason.
“No. I drank and I’m tired, and I just want to get home comfortably. I don’t want to bother calling an Assistant manager…”
…You crazy bastard. You think I’m your driver.
“But getting some fresh air is waking me up.”
Where are you?
“What does it matter where I am? I’m hanging up. Sorry for calling you so late.”
Hey…
Eun-ha, who had skillfully spun a lie, ended the call before Gu Hae-bin could say anything more. He consistently ignored the calls that came back several times right away. What a funny guy. He really thought to call in the middle of that…
Then he shook his head. Recognizing his friend’s extremely private night, even indirectly, was very uncomfortable.
Eun-ha, feeling even more stuffy, dragged his feet and suddenly let out a laugh. It was a laugh filled with self-deprecation. Not only had he caused trouble with his sex partner, but he was also doing the pathetic thing of calling a friend in the middle of the night to vent his emotions.
Even though he knew very well that Gu Hae-bin was particularly sensitive about his well-being.
“Why am I living my life like this…”
Self-deprecation constantly poured out at his own pathetic appearance. It was familiar self-loathing. Even when he was living an ordinary life without much thought, even a slight crack would shatter his insides so miserably. The sediment that had been well settled at the bottom swirled up, and his head became chaotic. Accusations and self-deprecating words towards himself constantly surged up.
On the other hand, he would also sink into endless lethargy.
Anyway, I don’t have the will to live my life passionately. Since I’m living a rough life anyway, does it really matter how distorted it becomes…?
It was ironic that what he saw along the way was a university, a gathering place of passion. After walking a little further, he came to Daehak-ro. It was a deep night heading towards dawn, but the streets were still bustling. More than half of the stores lining the alleys were open. If he went just one subway stop towards the subway station, there was another university. It was a commercial district where people gathered especially because the surrounding commercial area was not well developed.
Still, that’s right. Isn’t it midterm exam season these days? Eun-ha pondered the university midterm exam season and walked aimlessly. He didn’t want to go back to the Officetel, but he didn’t want to go home either. He wondered if he should drink a lot for the first time in a while. He wanted to shake off the harmful thoughts that were stirring in his head.
Having chosen to become even more pathetic while he was already feeling sorry for himself, Eun-ha headed to a convenience store. He paid for three bottles of soju and one Energy bar and came outside. He sat down at an old parasol table and immediately opened a bottle. After that, it was a quick decision.
He didn’t even think about getting any snacks to go with it, and as he drank straight from the bottle as he saw fit, he quickly became tipsy. Whenever he made eye contact with people passing through the alley, Eun-ha clung to drinking even more desperately. Not long after he had quickly finished two bottles, his head began to spin. He really liked the feeling of his five senses floating up and his mind and body feeling relaxed. He wanted to lose consciousness like that.