By Zephyria 
※Before you begin
To Kang Hae-ah.
I held your funeral last week. You wouldn’t know how long the argument went on about whether to bury or cremate you. I wanted to bury you in the ground, and your father wanted to burn you. If you knew how much I raged, saying how could I burn you when you died in the cold, you would have laughed pretty coolly.
In the end, I lost. Not because of your father, but because of an old lady who came, claiming to be your former helper. She said that you visit your mother at the charnel house every year, so let you rest next to her. You apparently said when you were alive that you would be with your mother when you died. It’s a good thing. You’re the same age as your mother, so the two of you can be friends.
I wanted to bury you next to my father’s grave. The grass I brought from my father’s hometown and planted grows so thick that others might mistake it for a neglected grave, but in the summer, the scent of grass is intoxicatingly strong, and even in winter, it’s my quiet land where no one comes and goes carelessly. But how could you rest next to my father? I couldn’t do it because I was afraid that if I put the two of you side by side according to my greed, even your soul would be ashamed and unable to lift its head.
So don’t hate me there. Don’t resent me for stubbornly burning your body to ashes, for not wiping you down and hugging you one last time. I clearly woke you up. It’s your fault for ignoring my request to get up. Hating and resenting are my jobs. Don’t do anything, just rest next to your mother.
I’m writing a few lines in case you’re curious, your funeral was overflowing with mourners. There were many guests, but I had a clueless face. At first, I mistakenly thought it was natural since I hadn’t been introduced to anyone by you. Later, I thought it was a good thing. It was a good thing that you closed your eyes and didn’t see how few people were crying in front of your coffin.
Oh, I found the people who sold you the drugs. They just talk big about being in the underworld, but they’re just guys making fake vodka in a club basement. The detective in charge of the investigation called me. He said the lethal dose of the poison you drank was 94%.
In the afternoon, the doctor called me. I had sent the hospital documents you threw in the trash to a doctor who was famous for treating cancer. Without even knowing that the patient was Kang Hae-ah, the doctor told me to admit you to the hospital immediately. He said that if you had surgery, you would have a 5% chance of survival.
I laughed after hanging up the phone. I thought to myself that you died because you couldn’t be in the 6%, so you wouldn’t have been in the 5% either. But my anger didn’t subside.
Organizing your belongings was very easy. It didn’t take much time. Returning to the house you had emptied, on the other hand, was very difficult. It took a lot of time. I was very afraid that I would feel your presence in the house that I had left empty for so long and that you had protected just as much. I was very scared that I would see you greeting me and hurriedly making dinner. I trembled a lot, afraid that if I made noise while walking down the hallway in front of the front door, the light would turn on in the room on the second floor, and you would come out coughing with swollen eyes.
But inside the two-story house that was once our honeymoon home, I didn’t feel your presence. I didn’t hear your shadow, your voice, or your cough. Only a woman I had never seen before was cleaning. When I questioned her, she said that you had hired her to take care of the housework while you were alive. Don’t scold me for getting angry at the woman who was just doing her job. You don’t deserve to.
I ran around the whole house like a madman. I made a fuss until the ill-mannered dog you picked up bit my ankle. I was like a mad dog, sniffing and looking for your scent.
You are the most vicious man I know. No one in the world is as bad as you. How could you not leave even a single strand of hair in the place where you died? How could you get rid of even one blanket you used to cover yourself with, one pillow you used to lie on, or even one drawer where you kept your damp drafts? If you erase even the smell, as if you were never there from the beginning, how am I supposed to think of you?
The you in my memory is still rustling on the vinyl. To me, Kang Hae-ah, you are an irresponsible person who doesn’t wake up even when he hears a damn dog howling. That’s all.
Kang Hae-ah. I can’t remember what you originally smelled like. I can’t remember what voice you used to call me in. I don’t know how warm your skin originally was.
Did I ever really know you as a person? I guess not. So that’s why I took out twelve letters that I don’t even remember when I wrote and wrote a reply today. I’m too late. I’m doing something I’ve never been late for in my life in front of you. I was 6 years late and didn’t even know I was late.
If I burn this letter and send it to you, will you even read it? I’d rather you tear it to shreds and throw it in my face. Then I’ll kneel before you and crawl. I’ll scrape together the fragmented words, tape them together with Scotch tape, and hide them under my pillow. This time, you leave, even if it takes years to come back. I’ll wait. All you have to do is come back to me.
Actually, I’m really fine. The anxiety and depression that were driving me crazy are all gone since you’re gone. I feel so relieved. My heart no longer beats like it’s about to explode, and my eyes no longer well up with a feeling of anxiety that makes me want to cry. Anger, sadness, annoyance, and hatred have all left me. I wouldn’t feel this relieved even if a rotten tooth fell out. Seeing how fine I am, you really died well.
But you shouldn’t have died. I know it’s no use saying this now. You must have died because you deserved to die. You must have been desperate enough to do that. But you shouldn’t have died. You shouldn’t have left. If you were going to do that, you should have left at least one of your pillows behind.
Hae-ah, I’m fine. You don’t have to feel sorry for me anymore. I know now that you are innocent. There is no misunderstanding or hatred left. So please sleep soundly with your feet stretched out comfortably.
I’m really fine. As you used to say, I’m fine.
But you should have left at least one pillow behind.
P.S. My mother has decided to raise the dog you picked up. I named it as you asked. I won’t tell you. Ask me directly in the future. I won’t make you wait long this time.
From your husband.