2 – Beta Test Ended

I had been waiting, for a day like today when the will to die stood tall. A hollow moment when there was no will or lingering affection left for anyone or anything, and I didn’t love or cherish even a shred of myself.

The thirty-second winter I faced was chillingly cold. The news reported new records set by this year’s cold wave every day, and the government even issued emergency measures as the number of elderly households dying from freezing increased.

On the day the first snow fell, I became a cancer patient. To be precise, the cancerous mass had been parasitizing my liver long before that, and had been gnawing away at my lungs and adrenal glands for a long time, but anyway, if I were to call the moment I found out I had cancer as the moment I became a cancer patient, then… my thirty-second winter was the worst.

The doctor scolded me, asking why I hadn’t come when I had inflammation in my liver a long time ago. As I listened to his long lecture about why I hadn’t come to the hospital knowing I was sick, I just felt wronged. ‘Knowing I was sick,’ he said, but that wasn’t true.

I didn’t even know I was sick. I thought I was tired because of stress and my body was numb because of guilt. Even when my cough got worse, I thought it was just a cold. I had gone to the hospital thinking it might be pneumonia, but the problem wasn’t my lungs but my liver… I was the one who should be flustered, not him.

Of course, I knew something was seriously wrong when the mass could be felt on my skin. There was no excuse for this. But, at the moment I felt there was a big problem with my body, I didn’t want to go to the hospital.

I wanted to postpone it as much as possible, finding out what my problem was.

I wasn’t curious about what my life would be like. What color the sky would be tomorrow, who I would meet and what words we would share, what I would eat, where I would walk, what I would feel… I didn’t want to know anything.

With fourteen medical certificates in hand, I returned home in a day, and what greeted me was a dog in an empty house. After pouring a lot of deer meat kibble into the bowl of the creature wagging its tail vigorously, the first thought that came to my mind was this.

‘I haven’t even told Tae-rim that I decided to raise a dog yet.’

It had already been four months since I had brought the white dog, whose breed was unknown but seemed to have some Jindo mixed in, into the house. It had no collar or identification chip.

Four months ago, I had impulsively decided to take a domestic trip and boarded a ship. In dramas, depressed people often did that to change their mood, but as expected, dramas were just dramas. Seeing the sea and taking a cruise didn’t improve my mood. The food was bad, and I just felt nauseous from seasickness.

When the ship briefly docked on an island due to the crashing waves, I met this dog. It was so skinny that all its ribs were visible, and it was the first time in my life I had seen a dog in that condition. It looked like it desperately needed help, and its gray fur was quite stylish.

All I had to do on the cruise was point at it and ask them to take it on board. I could feed it well, and I wanted a friend to go home with.

Of course, the stylish gray fur was a lie. After leaving it at a pet hotel to wash it, its fur was white, its legs were shorter than I thought, and it drooled too much the entire way back in the car. It was far from stylish, but I figured, what could I do?

Anyway… for four months since then, Cheon Tae-rim had not returned home even once. Even when he came to Seoul, he seemed to stay at his in-laws’ house or a hotel.

Because of that, the dog still didn’t have a name. If Tae-rim came back, I was going to formally ask for his permission and ask him to give it a name. Trusting the veterinarian’s words that I could change it later, the name I registered on the identification chip was ‘Doggy.’

‘…When should I tell him that I’m sick?’

While watching Doggy’s tongue licking the bowl clean, I pondered for a long time.

‘How do I tell Tae-rim that I’m going to die soon? What if he’s happy to hear that story? What if he can’t hide his laughter? What if he asks exactly when I’m going to die and asks about my future schedule?’

No, no. Let’s think calmly. Tae-rim is an objective and cold person, so he wouldn’t do that.

Rather, he would definitely ask first whether the contract between the companies made through this marriage would be affected even if it ended in bereavement. My father and older sister were also very objective and cold people, so of course, there would be no problem with their contract.

‘That’s a relief.’

As soon as I returned home, I took out all the cosmetics I hadn’t even opened yet. My face had turned yellow, and my hands and feet were often bluish, so I bought them thinking I might put something on when Tae-rim-ssi came back. I threw everything into the trash, including concealer, foundation, and lip balm that they say men use a lot these days.

After doing that, I couldn’t think of anything. I swallowed a cup of coffee with pain, using the diagnosis as a saucer.

Only after wasting about three hours did I pick up my phone. I decided to entrust everything to the answer that Cheon Tae-rim-ssi would give me.

The reason was simple. If I left it to the Doctor, it was obvious that only a pointless argument would ensue. There was no Doctor anywhere in the world who would make a conscience declaration to the youngest son of Hanseong Group, saying, “It’s past the stage of treatment, so just die.”

They would be eager to show some kind of sincerity by dragging me, who was about to die, but I didn’t want that. I couldn’t just let countless Doctors, nurses, knives, and needles poke, dig, and cut me into pieces because they were mindful of the family and Father.

The only person who could decide the direction of my life was Cheon Tae-rim-ssi. Only he had the right to do so. Whether to give up chemotherapy and quietly accept death, or… if he was even a little worried about me… if even a speck of sympathy sprouted in our ruined relationship, then maybe, just maybe. Then I might have the strength.

It was probably late at night in the United States when I called Tae-rim-ssi.

A long ringing tone continued, but I was ignored once. When I stubbornly held onto the phone for the second time, instead of a “Hello,” I heard a sigh.

―…….

Tae-rim-ssi’s silent breathing pressed down on my heart like a stone.

“Um, Tae-rim-ssi… I have something to say…”

I was sorry for waking him up when he was probably sleeping, and did he have dinner? Such words swirled around in my mouth. It wasn’t easy to convey even such common sentences to the man named Cheon Tae-rim. Tae-rim-ssi was over there, far away in America, across the sea and splitting the sky, but it felt like his gaze would look down on me as if I were waste right away.

“Uh, so…”

―…What is it?

“So…”

After a long deliberation, the only sound that came out of my mouth was,

“When you come home… should I… should I prepare something? Something you want to do… something you want to eat, something like that…”

It was a ridiculous question as the reason for waking him up late at night,

―…I just want some peace and quiet.

Cheon Tae-rim-ssi’s answer was short and concise.

―That’s all I need.

And then, he hung up.

The phone screen, with a call record of 21 seconds, was damp with sweat and tears that had seeped out of my ears and cheeks. I quietly savored Tae-rim-ssi’s voice, which had deeply permeated my mind in a short time. The low voice that echoed back, back, and back again.

And I realized.

That I had finally gained the courage to close the door on the miserable six years of married life.

That now was the very moment I had been waiting for.

An empty moment when I no longer had any will or lingering affection for anyone or anything, and I didn’t love or cherish even a piece of my own flesh…

I decided to die.

Looking back, Kang Hae-ah had committed a mistake from the moment he was born. Unfortunate birth stories always include the consolation, “It’s not the child’s fault,” but they probably couldn’t even say that about me.

‘It would have been better if I hadn’t been born in the first place.’

That was the thought I had while scrubbing the bathtub wall with a cleaning brush.

‘My arm hurts.’

By the time I rinsed the bathroom, which was covered in detergent foam, with the shower, I was sweating profusely. Even if it’s hard, cleaning is always beneficial. There’s nothing like cleaning to organize your thoughts.

Didn’t they say something like, ‘A beautiful person leaves a beautiful place’? Phrases that are often attached to bathroom doors.

My existence is similar to a toilet bowl. No one will bother to recall that they briefly stopped by me, the human being Kang Hae-ah. A life that has already become a toilet bowl could not be fixed. Instead, I thought I would at least make the place I left behind clean.

That thought was the culprit of this madness. The insane act of trying to clean the entire two-story mansion by myself.

‘Should I have called someone?’

Only the robot vacuum cleaner, busily moving across the floor, helped me.

The next place I headed to was the study. It was time to sort and organize all the books and files that had been spilled and scattered.

What was I thinking about? Ah, that’s right, from the beginning. The problem started from the day I was born.

After giving birth to three children in consecutive years—the eldest sister, Hyung, and the younger sister—Mother became pregnant with me less than half a year later. Mother, who no longer wanted children, was almost horrified, but somehow the news leaked out, and the media was the first to report that the relationship between Hanseong Group and its affiliates had become stronger because they had a fourth child.

The Hanseong Group family is still a subject of interest to the media these days, but the nature of the interest was different back then.

What era was that? To put it in terms of celebrities, it was a time when sasaeng fans would go into their homes and even get a meal. Media and mechanical civilization had arrived, but people’s awareness of celebrities’ privacy was still in the late Joseon Dynasty.

Although it was a large corporation back then, Hanseong’s reputation was closer to the public than it is now. Therefore, the pouring articles and news were unrefined and rough.

For the sake of the company’s reputation and the family’s image, Father was adamant that she give birth to the fourth child, even if it meant dying. Mother cried throughout her pregnancy and gave birth to me before reaching her due date. A week later, she became severely depressed and committed suicide.

From that day on, I was a guilty baby. Would it have been better if it was a lighter sin? Spilling a glass of water, swallowing a toy, or even setting the house on fire would have been better. Anything would have been better than the sin of causing Mother’s death just a week after being born.

Twisting my lips, I stared at the floor of the hallway. The lost robot vacuum cleaner was circling in the same spot, knocking on the study door with a thud, thud, thud…

‘I really can’t do anything right.’

Anything I touch goes wrong. Machines, people…

If ‘Kang Hae-ah’ were to be put into Greek mythology, he would probably be Midas. Um, no… even that is too much. Midas only had to be careful not to touch things, but my very existence is destruction.

It would have been nice if my family was at least normal so that life could be a plus-minus zero… Like begets like, and the family I was born into was just like me.

32 years ago, the news of Mother’s death was reported in the media, but the cause was not suicide. They only said that complications arose during childbirth. The funeral was also held simply to conceal the anniversary.

Whether it was due to that influence or something else, I was a strange baby. Even though I could barely walk by holding onto the wall, I would come out to the hallway and wait for the sitters or employees who were coming and going in the house to find me. Until they stroked my head or held me.

When I liked fairy tales, my eldest sister would tell me stories about Mother every night, whispering as if she were telling a scary story. At the time, neither the sister who whispered the story nor I, who listened blankly, knew how much of a tragedy it was, but now it was different.

Around the age of fifteen, there was a moment when I realized how terribly I was born. During the eight months I spent in Mother’s womb, I deeply dug into her depression with my wriggling vitality. How scary and chilling it was at that moment when I recalled myself as a demon who made Mother unhappy.

Thinking back today,

‘I must have resembled Mother a lot.’

That’s right.

‘I can understand you a little now.’

Mother would probably understand me too, if she were alive. She wouldn’t criticize me when we meet in the afterlife. I endured in this world for exactly Mother’s age. After 32 years, we can meet and live as same-age friends. That alone was enough.

After I leave this world like Mother, Father would probably prepare a new scenario. My Father, Kang Jun-il, the face of Hanseong Group, was that kind of person. A businessman who checked the Alpha awakening rate of his youngest son, who wasn’t even a year old, a director who designed my life, a Korean-style aristocrat with blue blood flowing when stabbed with a knife.

If it were Father, he would surely package the story of my death in a plausible and warm way. After all, he still runs a charity in Mother’s name on my birthday.

Let’s see, he might collect my paintings that haven’t been sold yet and hold a retrospective exhibition. He’ll probably donate the money from the paintings somewhere to show off… I hope the poorly drawn sketches aren’t hung up as much as possible. The gallery owners will filter them out, right?

Well, geniuses die young in every era, don’t they? I hope my death will be called by such a glossy title. A dramatic death that clueless teenagers and hipster artists with tattoos covering their arms dream of.

If my portrait is hung in an exhibition hall with rows of white flower crowns, I wonder if my sisters will even cry. Or will they be relieved that one ‘idiotic younger brother’ has disappeared, as Hyung always says?

‘Then, what about Tae-rim-ssi?’

Tae-rim-ssi. Cheon Tae-rim-ssi. My husband’s name. The name I think about most often, but it’s so unfamiliar when I say it.

Sitting in front of the spinning washing machine, coughing non-stop for several minutes, I thought about the three letters of Cheon Tae-rim.

What was intertwined with that name was the second mistake of my life. A huge mistake created by a collection of other minor mistakes. They say a black hole is created when many stars die? Our married life was exactly like that. A black monster created by countless culprits.

The wrongs I have done to Cheon Tae-rim-ssi are endless even if I list them all night. It was wrong to believe Father’s words that I was born with the Omega trait, even though the awakening was late, and it was wrong to think of Cheon Tae-rim-ssi as a friend who suited me well because the atmosphere was good at our first meeting.

The worst part was that I was incompetent. I couldn’t give any compensation while watching Tae-rim-ssi’s life being ruined because of me.

After that, there were many things that made me feel unfairly angry…

“Ugh…”

I must have fainted for a moment. I came to my senses at the sound of the washing machine beeping that it was finished. The puppy is licking the cold floor. I barely managed to stop him from eating the blood I spat out. He keeps barking as I shake out the wet laundry.

“Stop it, puppy. Hyung is tired…”

After doing the laundry, I went to the kitchen. There was nothing to wash because I hadn’t eaten anything. I didn’t like the refrigerator being empty, so I decided to make some side dishes. I made a lot of stir-fried mushrooms, which Tae-rim-ssi liked to eat.

‘This is all I know how to make.’

The married life of Dominant Alpha Cheon Tae-rim-ssi and Beta Kang Hae-ah was truly hell. The culprit was me. I took medicine, got injections, and even tried moxibustion and acupuncture, but I didn’t awaken as an Omega.

Only Tae-rim-ssi, I, and Tae-rim-ssi’s family didn’t know. That Cheon Tae-rim had married a Beta.

Tae-rim-ssi’s heart naturally drifted away. At first, he seemed to believe my words that ‘I really didn’t know’ and tried to understand, but later he didn’t. While I was looking for a Doctor to see if I could get surgery, Tae-rim-ssi investigated the legitimacy of the fraudulent marriage.

Tae-rim-ssi probably knew around that time. That deceiving someone’s Alpha, Omega, or Beta status and getting married does not constitute fraud. That there is no legitimate way to nullify a marriage that was conducted as a contract between families.

The design that he would have to hand over his business to Hanseong Group as it is to divorce me, and the evidence that the Hanseong Group family had already completed all the data investigation. What was Tae-rim-ssi thinking when he found out those two things at the same time?

I remember that gaze that looked down on me as if he hated me. Cold eyes, tightly closed lips. Silence hurt more than insults. My defense that I was also deceived didn’t come out around that time either.

Three out of four cards are Alpha, and one card is Beta that might become an Omega. Father decided to raise three of them and exchange one. Compared to what Cheon Tae-rim-ssi’s prosecutor family could give, a Beta child who couldn’t inherit the family business was cheap.

There was no way for me to explain my situation to Tae-rim-ssi. He closed his heart, and life didn’t flow like Frozen 1.

The first time Tae-rim-ssi hit me was an accidental accident. It was also the day I indirectly stole a glimpse of what kind of person Cheon Tae-rim was as an Alpha. The day Tae-rim-ssi suddenly declared a vacation and locked himself in the bedroom, the day he was hit by a rut.

An Alpha’s rut without proper contact with an Omega or the stability that should be felt from it was truly beastly. Tae-rim-ssi was out of his mind, and I was looking for an injection to calm him down.

I didn’t know at the time what the instincts of an Alpha in a rut state were like. That he wants to destroy not only the injection containing the suppressant but also the Beta holding the injection.

Tae-rim-ssi pushed me away and punched me. I still haven’t had an experience more painful than being hit by that fist. After being hit by him on the second floor, I was surprised and ran away, only to get a concussion on the stairs.

“Ah…”

‘Ding-dong’, ‘Ding-dong’… The sound of the doorbell announcing a visitor pulled me out of my thoughts. In a hurry, I ran out to the garden and opened the door myself. I should have known that Tae-rim-ssi wouldn’t come, but I couldn’t hide my disappointment when I confirmed that it wasn’t him but a stranger.

‘What if’ is always the problem. All expectations held with ‘what if’ are wrong. ‘What if Tae-rim-ssi came?’, ‘What if he noticed that I was strange when I called?’.

‘Get a grip, Kang Hae-ah.’

As I just stood there blankly, the woman who came bowed deeply. She seemed quick-witted and had a good personality.

“I heard you were looking for someone, so I came to say hello, but I don’t know if I’m bothering you.”

I was just stuck in old thoughts, but my expression seemed to have surprised the woman. I waved my hand at her, who was deeply apologizing. I let her into the house and showed her how to manage the mansion, the hidden rooms in various places, and the warehouse.

“I won’t be here when you start your first day next week.”

I said that while leaving my bedroom door open.

“When you start working, please empty this room first. The furniture, well. Please take care of it yourself. You can call someone to use it. Daily necessities, gas, water… As you know, for several months entirely.”

“Yes, I have received all the information.”

Tae-rim-ssi didn’t like having strangers in the house. Compared to that, I was a young master who even entrusted driving to a driver, so how incompatible we were was obvious than palm lines.

That’s why I looked for someone so meticulously. Because it was obvious that Tae-rim-ssi would have a hard time managing this big house after I died. Someone who is smooth, has a good reputation, and is certified enough to please him too.

Tae-rim-ssi is already busy with work and has many business trips. These days, he lives in the United States, so I’m confused as to whether the headquarters is in the United States or Seoul. On top of that, I felt a little sorry for making my husband hold a funeral. I was also worried that he wouldn’t have time to clean or prepare meals.

‘Well, Si Eun-cheol-ssi might take care of it…’

Even as a precaution, I felt more comfortable hiring someone myself.

‘It’s a bit funny that the person who will replace my absence is a helper.’

I kept laughing with a smirk. As I saw her off with a smiling face, the woman also left with a much brighter face.

I thoroughly searched the house to see if there was anything else I needed to do. I felt at ease looking around at the perfectly clean surroundings.

Finally, I tore a piece of paper from the notebook. There’s no greeting to write at length, but…

“I made side dishes in the refrigerator. The laundry must be dry, so please just take it out.

I hired someone who will work from Monday. I’ve already paid the salary, so please just use them.

Don’t kick out the Jindo mix in the yard and give him a name. He’s neutered and vaccinated against Corona. He keeps tearing up, and they say it’s because he has conjunctivitis. It’s not contagious. He’s almost healed.

I have one request.

I’ll be in the detached house now, but Tae-rim-ssi must never come in.

Just report it to the police. Please tell them not to turn on the siren when they dispatch.

Tae-rim-ssi must never come into the detached house. This is my last request.

I’m so sorry for everything until now.”

Others might call it eccentric, but I liked my will. It felt like someone going on a trip, and I thought it was pretty good.

However, agonizing over how to die was quite different from choosing a travel destination. Deciding on my death was neither healthy, fun, nor pleasant.

If it were about deciding on the deaths of those who tormented me, it would have been quite fun.

For example, um, Si Eun-cheol-ssi, who constantly harassed and teased me, I wish he would die from exhaustion during sex. Ugh, and I absolutely, positively hope the partner isn’t Tae-rim-ssi. Instead of Tae-rim-ssi, finding another partner, and then dying with a smile at the moment of discovering true love! That would be a good death for both Eun-cheol and me. Kind of funny too.

And let’s see, next I think of Hyung. My Hyung, Kang Il-hae, who has been consistently berating me since childhood, I hope he gets cancer like me. The world would become very noisy if that happened.

Knowing Il-hae hyung’s personality, he might even discover liver cancer, which is said to be undetectable by pain, in its early stages. Even if he were given a terminal diagnosis, he would never give in. He would shout to get it cured no matter the cost.

Hyung is someone who is indifferent to others’ pain but very sensitive to his own. Around the age of seven, even though he wasn’t the only one without a mother, he beat me to near death for making him motherless.

He once put me in a ball pit filled with his toys and held my head down to suffocate me. From then on, Hyung was both vicious and somewhat foolish. He knew how to drown someone but didn’t realize you could breathe well in a ball pit.

Whenever Hyung tormented me, I would pretend to be dead. Pretending to be shot by a BB gun, pretending to drown in the ball pit, and later, pretending to die after eating spicy snacks. It was around the age of four, but I remember it all clearly.

Perhaps this time too,

‘Isn’t that bastard Kang Hae-ah just pretending to be dead?’

He might kick my corpse around. Haa… I don’t want that.

Thinking of the deaths of people who hate me and whom I hate like a novel, I slowly came up with a way to die.

The answer was simple. Let’s die without harming others!

At first, jokingly, I thought about buying a euthanasia machine that costs about 100 or 200 million won. But I didn’t like the complicated import process and the fact that it would take at least a few days.

Borrowing the machine overseas was also unsettling because someone else had used it, and the waiting list was quite long. Besides, if I got into trouble using something like that, Father would be really angry.

So, I chose a method that wouldn’t complicate the aftermath as much as possible. I chose to be Juliet rather than Romeo. If I died by inflicting wounds like Romeo, corpse disposal would be difficult. Instead, I decided to take a lot of sleeping pills and a glass of poison.

I obtained a drug that, when mixed with alcohol or water, causes cardiac arrest without leaving any traces on the body. Since all I had was money, even this drug was easily obtained with a few phone calls. The driver came and delivered it directly, so everything was done quickly.

The people who received the tip probably didn’t think the person would consume it, but I didn’t care about the subsequent police investigation.

The detached house was better than the main house with the bedroom. The detached house, where heating was impossible due to the huge windows that only emphasized design, was very cold in winter. Thanks to that, the decomposition of my corpse would be delayed.

Moreover, the detached house was only used as my studio. Since no one other than me had any affection for the place, no one would be saddened by the rumor that someone died there.

‘Shall we die now?’ I sat on the sofa in the detached house, and a saying I had picked up somewhere came to mind.

‘When a person dies, waste comes out.’

I had no choice but to get up and rummage through the storage room. Fortunately, there was still a roll of waterproof vinyl left. It was vinyl that I often used to protect the flooring when working with paint, and it was useful until the very end.

I covered the sofa with the opaque vinyl and spread it as wide as possible to the floor in case any waste would flow out.

Thinking of it as my last labor, strength surged into my weak arms, but soon it faded away. By the time I covered the herringbone tiles with vinyl, I was on the verge of fainting.

I don’t know what I prepared with what mind, but by the time I heard my coughing, I was lying on the glossy vinyl sofa with a pillow.

I drank the water mixed with the drug not because I wanted to die but because I was thirsty. Fortunately, the sleeping pills took effect first. Sleep poured down heavily. I was tired.

When I closed my eyes and took a long sigh, I thought I heard a dog barking. Anyway, the door was closed, so the dog couldn’t come in. Instead, I left the front door of the main house open, so I hope he goes in and eats the food filled in his bowl.

And after a long time,

‘Why aren’t I dying?’

I thought.

‘…What went wrong?’

I opened my eyes, expecting to see the high ceiling. But I wasn’t on the waterproof vinyl in the cold detached house. It was a table with an elegant glass, in the middle of a bright restaurant filled with sunlight.

Only then did the sound of the orchestra reach my ears. Surprised by the gentle melody, I tried to get up from my seat, but my body wouldn’t move well. I could feel my limbs stiffening.

And I saw Cheon Tae-rim-ssi walking towards me.

The moment our eyes met, I felt a vivid sensation that made my whole body burn rather than death. Is it because I’ve been thinking about Cheon Tae-rim all day? I thought I was seeing this man in my dying moments.

His face, looking for his match, felt young, even childish. That is, it was when he was twenty-eight years old. He found me in that form, when he had never been angry at me yet, and slowly walked towards me.

Seeing that, I felt good. Seeing him recognize me at once and smile as if he was glad… it felt like the voice of conscience or something was hitting my ear hard.

There was one fact I had never admitted and kept postponing. A fact that my heart was bringing up, telling me not to postpone it until the moment of death.

Feeling my consciousness blurring, I only looked at his face in my dying moments.

‘I actually liked you.’

It was like that from the moment we first met. Not because you, Cheon Tae-rim-ssi, are a Dominant Alpha, but because you smiled at me… I’ve never said it, but in fact, I liked you quite a lot, really a lot. And, that’s why….

—Ah, oh no! He’s dead, now!

…Huh?

—That can’t be. Why did he commit suicide?

Whose voice is this?

—Ah, the basic settings were wrong from the start, he’s not an Omega!

A chaotic voice, too clear to be considered a hallucination, was circling in my ear. Shaking my head from side to side, I searched for the owner of the voice. I was curious about who was shouting so loudly.

But the restaurant staff weren’t looking this way, and the customers filling the two tables were peaceful among themselves.

—Manipulation is still possible. What should we do?

—What else? We have to start over from the beginning.

Amidst the confusion, the voice came closer to me.

—Well, then… I’m sorry, Kang Hae-ah. You can’t end up like this.

That unfamiliar voice calling my name now existed in my head.

—Shall we start over from the beginning?

My heart trembled at the meaningful voice. It felt like something was about to happen right away. I squeezed my eyes shut and,

‘No!’

I shouted loudly only in my mind. But nothing happened.

Just,

“Kang Hae-ah-ssi?”

Twenty-eight-year-old Cheon Tae-rim-ssi had arrived at the table.

Blankly, I looked up at him. A charcoal gray jacket, a navy tie, a neatly buttoned collar and a thick, strong neck, an incredibly handsome face… and I found something strange.

There was nothing wrong with Cheon Tae-rim. The problem was that the dying moments weren’t ending and continued.

“…Hae-ah-ssi. Kang Hae-ah-ssi?”

Whether it was because of that voice or because I had gone crazy, my dying moments were broken. Not only were they not ending, but now they were even wrong. Tae-rim-ssi never did this to me. He never waved his hand in front of my face with a worried look.

He never ran to me when I was staggering,

“Are you alright?”

He never asked me like this, surprised.

The moment I gasped, I felt my whole body burning like fire.

It wasn’t my dying moments. It wasn’t like a movie theater in my memory. The real Cheon Tae-rim-ssi was really looking at me. Not the past me that I couldn’t do anything about, but me, standing in front of him now, with my face flushed….

Tae-rim-ssi quickly reached out his arms. Why are you holding me like that? Before I could even ask, I fainted.

The soft mattress warmly warmed my back. The blanket covering up to my neck was a thick cotton blanket. The cold wind caused by the air purifier, the sound of shoes as someone walked back and forth in the same place, and the faint smell of disinfectant tickled me in turn.

If it’s as comfortable as a hotel room but in a scentless and dry environment,

‘It’s a hospital.’

It wasn’t difficult to figure out where I was. What was really difficult was something else. It was confirming the situation, why I was lying on a hospital bed instead of in a coffin deep underground.

But I didn’t even have the courage to lift my eyelids. As my heart filled with fear, only my mind became busy. I clearly remembered the feeling of my limbs cooling down and the dying moments where everything was bright. Even that was flowing strangely, and that I had fainted or passed out.

There were many possibilities. But there was only one story that was highly likely.

‘My suicide must have failed.’

Then my heart became heavy. It felt like my whole body was sinking deep underground and saliva was spat on my chest.

Maybe the dog barked too loudly and someone called the police. Or maybe the helper I met in the afternoon had something to say and came back, or if not, maybe, just maybe, Tae-rim-ssi came home and found me?

Before seeing the note I left, he might have opened the door to the detached house. My appearance sprawled on the vinyl-covered sofa must have been terribly unsightly. My eyes might have been rolled back, or bubbles might have been bubbling at the corners of my mouth, or my skin might have been purple. So, was Tae-rim-ssi surprised? Did he call an ambulance and take me to the hospital?

As if to prove my hypothesis, Tae-rim-ssi’s voice was heard from afar. The faint muttering, when listened to carefully, was the sound of a phone call with someone.

“Yes.”

His answer was short, and

“I’m at the hospital now.”

His explanation was also concise.

Suddenly, I felt like crying. I hated Cheon Tae-rim-ssi so much. Everything was really resentful.

‘Why didn’t you just let me die, you could have just gotten rid of me and found a new partner. I hoped you would find an Omega who you liked, who had good chemistry, and who you could communicate well with…. But what is this?’

But I only poured out my resentment inwardly. I didn’t have the courage to open my eyes and face him.

It was the point where Kang Hae-ah had revealed how broken he could be and how weak a human he was to the very bottom. I thought about whether there had ever been a moment in my life, which had brought misfortune, that was so embarrassing and infuriating. The answer was ‘no’. A husband who not only held him back throughout their married life but also failed at suicide…. I wanted to bite my tongue and die rather than confirm Tae-rim-ssi’s reaction.

Ah, what would Father say if he knew? He might slap my cheeks and kick me. He would shoot out reproaches like a snake, ‘How can you not live properly in a life that I have designed for you?’ He would shout that if I was going to die, I should have died properly. He had said from a long time ago that secretly disposing of a corpse is easy, but a living person carried to the hospital cannot be hidden.

I was worried about how I would cope with the impending criticisms, and my stomach was uneasy. Just thinking about it made me tremble and my temperature rise.

“Kang Hae-ah-ssi, are you coming to your senses?”

Suddenly, Cheon Tae-rim-ssi’s voice came closer. My eyebrows twitched uncontrollably, reacting to his voice. His hand felt like heat as it approached me for a moment. I was startled and tried to avoid it,

“Ack.”

I bumped the top of my head hard against the headboard of the bed.

I could feel the skin from my neck to my forehead turning red in an instant. I was half crumpled to avoid his touch, and Tae-rim-ssi looked surprised at my reaction. His shadow, deeply bowed, covered my upper body. Only then did I see the cotton blanket in Tae-rim-ssi’s hand.

Soon my mind went blank. The shock I received from the fact that he was trying to fix my blanket was considerable, but the fact that Cheon Tae-rim was not Cheon Tae-rim was at a level that hit the back of my head.

“Kang Hae-ah-ssi?”

The man who was calling me that and looking after me was definitely Tae-rim-ssi. A tall height approaching 2 meters when rounded up, shoulders as broad as an athlete, a face as handsome as if it were delicately carved unlike his stone-like hands, eyelashes attached to his large, unlidded eyes always facing downwards, and dark pupils that were difficult to read… he was Cheon Tae-rim.

But he wasn’t the Cheon Tae-rim I knew, my husband Cheon Tae-rim.

The distance, literally close enough to touch noses, was burdensome, so I avoided him first. I rolled in the opposite direction of Tae-rim-ssi, raised my upper body, and looked around. As expected, it was a hospital room, and some kind of IV was hanging on my arm.

“What’s going on?”

I asked, and

“Well. I said hello, and you fainted.”

Tae-rim-ssi answered easily.

Now all that was left for me was confusion. That, the matchmaking meeting, the strangely flowing dying moments… and I remembered the voice. Cheon Tae-rim was a clearer indicator than the straightforward and kind explanation that said to start over from the beginning. The twenty-eight-year-old Cheon Tae-rim who didn’t hate, resent, despise, or detest me, who was trying to fix my blanket.

As I didn’t move with a serious face, he seemed even more worried about me.

“I’m kidding. I’m sorry.”

Tae-rim-ssi’s voice saying that was scarier than a ghost to me. Sorry? Sorry to me?

Following that, he poured me a glass of water. When I didn’t take it, he put it on the bedside table and handed me my cell phone, which he had brought from the restaurant. I couldn’t even receive that. I couldn’t bear that he was taking care of me.

That someone like me was being taken care of by Tae-rim-ssi. That he was joking to ease the atmosphere and even saying he was sorry. I have no worth at all… the twenty-eight-year-old Cheon Tae-rim doesn’t know that. In the past, yes, that was the case. He didn’t know me. So, he was kind. He was a good person. Because he didn’t know at all… that Kang Hae-ah, who was taking up his precious time, was a lying Beta from a trashy family.

I repeatedly recalled the unfamiliar voice. It said that ‘Kang Hae-ah can’t end up like this’…. It told me to try again. If that voice was true, it might mean that I should tell the truth as it is now and let him go.

So that I wouldn’t seep into Cheon Tae-rim’s solid life like mold, so that I would return him to before I had ruined that clean personality in a bizarre way.

If there was a god, he would have clicked his tongue every time he saw him and me. He had bothered to send a Dominant Alpha who was perfect in every way to the narrow and crowded land of Korea, but he might have pitied Tae-rim-ssi because someone like me had clung to him.

“Are you feeling unwell anywhere?”

Tae-rim-ssi tilted his head to the side. Every time he tried to check my complexion, my face turned towards the floor. I didn’t have the courage to face that gaze. I was afraid of how disappointed he would look at me if I made a stuffy and slow voice.

But I couldn’t just postpone it indefinitely. Eventually, I had to have some kind of conversation. I had to remove him from me… no, I had to remove the foreign substance called me from him.

“I’ll get straight to the point.”

Clenching my fist tightly on my knee, I took a short breath.

“I have no intention of marrying Cheon Tae-rim-ssi. Today… I came out to apologize in person. I’m sorry.”

“Are you rejecting me now?”

As expected, Tae-rim-ssi’s answer was quick. During our six years of marriage, I had never seen him at a loss for words.

“N, not that….”

It was always my job to stammer and ramble.

“I’m about to get rejected by Tae-rim-ssi. I’m not an Omega. I’m a Beta….”

Even so, today’s confession wasn’t difficult. It was a moment I had imagined countless times. I had imagined turning back time to before I became husband and wife with Tae-rim-ssi. Then I would say this. I would confess everything truthfully.

“Your side misrepresented the conditions. The trait test results you sent in advance are over 20 years old. The tests from that time are too unreliable. Even in that unreliable test, my awakening probability is only 77 percent.”

Since Alpha Omega issues were Tae-rim-ssi’s specialty, he would understand well enough how absurd a gamble it was to suddenly marry someone like Kang Hae-ah.

“These days… don’t you need at least 85 percent to be tentatively considered an Omega? Even then, if you don’t awaken, you’re treated as a Beta and considered a bust. I think I’m… probably a Beta.”

Not ‘probably,’ but 100 percent. Having lived through it once, I know now. I’m not destined to be a beloved Omega. From the start, beyond the issue of Alpha, Beta, or Omega, I’m not destined to be loved at all. My whole life, that was the only thing I wanted, but it was also the only thing I could never have.

“So, Cheon Tae-rim-ssi. Let’s not waste each other’s time. On my side, Father approached you looking at Chief Prosecutor Cheon Hee-jung’s connections.”

Only when the Chief Prosecutor’s name came out of my mouth did,

“My father, you say?”

Tae-rim-ssi react.

“Yes. You may have said that you prioritized Cheon Tae-rim-ssi’s business first, but to be honest, that was like the second condition.”

My throat kept getting parched. My tongue felt like it was curling up into my throat, suffocating me. I quickly grabbed the water glass on the side table and gulped it down. The slightly sweet-tasting mineral water went down smoothly.

“…Of course, I’m not saying your company is bad.”

“You don’t have to say that. Since it’s still in the startup phase, I honestly suspected the conditions when Hanseong first suggested collaboration.”

Tae-rim-ssi was being uncharacteristically humble. Well, before his company, AOM’s, achievements were known to the public, it was wise to be careful with his words.

Just researching the characteristic traits of Alphas and Omegas was a global achievement, and in two years, they were planning to release a machine that analyzes imprinting and knotting probabilities with its own system. I vividly remembered how much the world buzzed back then. A young Cheon Tae-rim, at twenty-eight, had designed and was creating such a business.

The competent CEO of AOM, with the slogan of helping to select the perfect partner, a unique mascot even among the outstanding Dominant Alphas, in Cheon Tae-rim’s flawless life, I was always an anchor. The fact that the spouse of Cheon Tae-rim, a successful Dominant Alpha representing Korea, was just a Beta was a flaw that people relished.

“So, Cheon Tae-rim-ssi….”

My fingerprints touched the empty glass. The tips of my fingers, strained with force, turned yellow and pressed against the outside of the glass.

“Next… time, find a definite Omega, check their compatibility with your company’s so-called analysis, and… find a good match and get married like everyone else. …Rather than having an accident with a Beta like me.”

Now, what will he say… I listened intently, but unexpectedly, Cheon Tae-rim-ssi was silent.

‘Why is he so quiet….’

Out of curiosity, I cautiously raised my head to peek at him and met his eyes head-on.

His serious eyes, deeply absorbed in some thought, were capturing my face. His pupils were so black that my face reflected in them was as clear as the moon.

I swallowed the sigh that was about to escape my throat. Tae-rim-ssi probably didn’t know how much I had longed for him to look at me like that….

I let him observe and judge me. For now, I was grateful enough that he wasn’t getting angry and cursing my con artist family.

Ah, well, he was too socially mature to reject me right away. Perhaps he was measuring the angle to slowly break off the arranged marriage, considering the face of the youngest son of Hanseong Group.

I was given a few seconds of leeway until he could formulate a suitable rejection. As I took a breath and hid my trembling palms under my thighs, Tae-rim-ssi asked.

“Is that all?”

I couldn’t easily understand the question. Like that day in spring six years ago,

‘Did you know, Kang Hae-ah-ssi?’

Like the past when I was confronted with a sudden rebuke.

My reaction in front of the man named Cheon Tae-rim was always the same. I could only try to keep up with his tempo with a bewildered face. Tae-rim-ssi, who didn’t yet know that this was the main expression Kang Hae-ah made, was kind.

“I asked if that’s all the reasons you’re saying you won’t marry me.”

He asked again, and

“Yes. Because it’s a fraudulent marriage.”

I quickly answered.

“Because if you marry a Beta, Tae-rim-ssi’s life will be… miserable. I hate that. That’s why. …I also hate people who would try to attach and detach Cheon Tae-rim-ssi here and there just because he married a son of a chaebol and try to measure conditions. I also hate that Hanseong will obviously use Chief Prosecutor Cheon Hee-jung’s connections for their desired political maneuvers.”

And I hate that Tae-rim-ssi will hate me again, I hate becoming a spouse who is worse than a friend to Tae-rim-ssi, I hate being tied up like an enemy who ruined his life, I hate pretending to sleep when I know he sighs every morning looking down at my face, and most of all, I hate that I’m bound to like you again, I hated that.

“Thank you for being so considerate.”

“Yeah, well.”

“But I’ll pretend I didn’t hear the proposal.”

“Pardon?”

But Tae-rim-ssi countered my ‘goodbye’ with a ‘no.’

“No, why? I told you something very important, you know?”

Forgetting to avoid those cold eyes, I looked up at him. As I made a loud noise in bewilderment, Tae-rim-ssi smiled.

“Thanks to you, I want to marry Kang Hae-ah-ssi.”

Why are you smiling like that?

“And, you’re not a Beta.”

Why are you saying that?

“You awakened, a little while ago at the restaurant.”

Now it’s one of two things. Cheon Tae-rim has gone crazy. Or I must be crazy.

“I’m telling you, I’m a Beta.”

“Not from today.”

There was no reason to listen to more nonsense. I pulled out the IV line from my arm and got up from my seat. As I searched for my coat, my lower abdomen hurt and my legs were wobbly. Tae-rim-ssi said, ‘Hae-ah-ssi,’ trying to stop me.

“Let’s call a doctor, calm down and sit down.”

“Calm down? Doctor?”

“Because you need to finish the medication.”

“Medication?”

My excited lips became a parrot’s beak. I could only repeat his words as if mimicking him, unable to utter any rational sentence.

“The stabilizer…. Kang Hae-ah-ssi, calm down.”

“Stabilizer?”

Bright red blood streamed down my arm. It was proof that I was still alive, and a sign that I was a fool who couldn’t even pull out an IV line properly. Trembling, I just stared at the red liquid, when Tae-rim-ssi’s hand came into my view.

He gently touched my arm. It was a minor touch, neither grabbing nor pulling. It was like touching the touch screen of a machine that recognizes the palm. But that machine was me.

My legs, which had been trembling, collapsed in an instant. I was so surprised that I couldn’t even scream. My eyes felt like they would pop out and my heart was pounding, but only hot breaths escaped through my teeth. I couldn’t properly support my body.

Tae-rim-ssi easily supported my upper body, which was collapsing like a doll. It was a swift decision to hug me with both arms and move me to the bed. He must have known that I wouldn’t be able to get up if he touched me.

And there was one more thing that was clear. My body was no longer the same as before. At first, my arm was hot, and in the few seconds it took him to move me, my whole body was burning up.

“Let go of me.”

My voice leaked out pathetically weakly.

“Let go of me….”

As I repeatedly asked, Tae-rim-ssi let me go. It was right after he neatly laid me back on the bed and even covered me with a blanket. With a nonchalant face, he tapped the nurse call button twice. Was he annoyed, it was a slightly emotional action.

“…I’m sorry.”

And then he apologized again, but this time his apology wasn’t that shocking. It was because of the abnormal symptoms occurring in my body. My whole body was so strange that it was difficult to react to every little thing outside my skin.

To be honest, I had to pee. And my lower abdomen hurt terribly. My eyes couldn’t open properly because of the heat, and in an instant, the person named Cheon Tae-rim felt unfamiliar. Now he was neither a simple businessman nor the man who was my husband.

He was an Alpha. A Dominant Alpha born with the ability to control Omegas. And I was, …as he said, not the same as before.

“Still, Cheon Tae-rim-ssi, no, nothing changes.”

I said, scratching at the blanket.

“I’m not going to marry you. I, I’m… I’m someone who doesn’t believe in arranged marriages. I like being free-spirited. I like doing whatever I want even when I’m dating, but a marriage without love? Does that even make sense?”

I could give a thousand more reasons why you shouldn’t be with me. I would fill a thousand reasons, nine hundred would be true and a hundred would be made up.

But the words I’m spouting now aren’t meant to persuade Tae-rim-ssi. They’re just words I’m throwing out randomly to distract him and keep my own mind in place.

For some reason, I felt like something big would happen if I just stayed still in silence. Before, I was worried that he would curse me, push me away again, get angry, or leave. But this anxiety now was different from those worries. If I stayed still, it felt like the Alpha named Cheon Tae-rim would devour me.

“A, and I heard somewhere that I, I have a high chance of getting cancer. Do you want a husband who might collapse from cancer at any moment? He’s rich so he won’t die easily either. And….”

“…….”

“Am I speaking in Korean right now?”

“Yes, you are.”

“Then…, then you’re listening to everything I’m saying, right?”

“Yes.”

Then what about the answer? I gestured with my eyes, implying something. To be exact, I was just pathetically looking up at him with a terrible face, but Tae-rim-ssi seemed to understand my feelings.

He sighed briefly, then inhaled much more deeply. And said.

“It’s natural for you to feel that way now. You just awakened and your condition isn’t good, so you won’t trust Alphas, and you’ll need time to think.”

Still, that wasn’t the answer I wanted. Tae-rim-ssi’s tone, suddenly mentioning my condition, sounded as if I didn’t have rational and common-sense judgment right now. I felt a surge of anger.

“Hey, are you just ignoring everything I’ve said so far?”

“I heard everything you said, Kang Hae-ah-ssi.”

I was so frustrated and desperate, but Tae-rim-ssi’s face was calmer than before. He wasn’t smiling anymore. He didn’t say sorry to soothe my feelings, he didn’t joke. He didn’t even blink his black eyes.

Frozen like a stone statue, he said.

“You’re saying to find an honest Omega who doesn’t look at connections like a Chief Prosecutor’s family, doesn’t immediately covet a Dominant Alpha, and wants to live quietly without political maneuvers.”

His gaze moved slowly from my forehead to my cheeks, then to my chin, and then to my eyes. It was the first time in my life that someone had scrutinized my face so closely.

“Isn’t that the kind of Omega Kang Hae-ah-ssi is now?”

My lips parted silently. Before I could find the words to say, ‘knock, knock,’ a nurse knocked on the hospital room door.

“You want to start with dating. I understand the conditions well.”

Tae-rim-ssi got up from his seat, picking up his coat. The coat, folded as it was hanging on the chair, was draped over his arm.

“Then let’s make it not an arranged marriage. I’ll contact you for an after-date application as soon as you stabilize.”

My husband, as big as a giant tree, as solid as a stone statue, and as beautiful as a flower, looks at me. I hadn’t realized that he was so young at twenty-eight.