By Zephyria Ki Young-han is spending the summer in a dazed state.
He had never spent his time so pathetically in his life.
To describe his day, Ki Young-han would wake up late, around noon. As soon as he opened his eyes, he would wash up and, unable to bear being at home, go to the library. He would organize a humanities book he found there. He’d pick up a book that was unexpectedly emotional. For example, bestsellers like ‘I Want to Die, But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki’, ‘Everyone Dies’, or ‘The Breakup Handbook’. However, he would soon criticize the book’s content pessimistically and put it down.
Blaming the cold wind blowing from the library, he heads home. If his younger sibling, who attends supplementary classes, happens to come home early, he’d pick a fight for no reason, or on days when even that didn’t yield a reaction, he’d just collapse onto his bed.
He’d lie there for a long time, thinking of Yoon Ye-jun. For days on end, he’d stare blankly at his turned-off Mobile phone. He didn’t have the courage to turn it on. He’d try to calm his dazed self with cold water. He’d toss and turn all night.
He’d ruminate on the words Yoon Ye-jun had spoken. He’d wonder why they wouldn’t leave his memory. Around two in the morning, he’d gain the courage to turn on his Mobile phone, but he couldn’t press the power button. He’d roll around in bed. He’d curse Yoon Ye-jun. He’d recall the times they had spent together, which had been quite good. He’d blame himself, wondering if it was a mistake, or if he had perhaps misheard.
In a cycle, he’d think only of Yoon Ye-jun, and finally close his eyes. Just before dawn, when the sky takes on a muted navy hue, he’d finally close his eyes. He’d even think about going on a trip tomorrow. But that would only be possible if he woke up early. Ki Young-han, who had made and followed a daily schedule since attending kindergarten, was now living his days with a completely messed-up routine, experiencing a delayed adolescence.
It felt like his life was just tangled. Yet, Ki Young-han couldn’t blame Yoon Ye-jun for that. How to put it. It was difficult to define Yoon Ye-jun. He was the only person who had delved into Ki Young-han’s shallow relationships, relationships he had never categorized as his own, except for family.
He wasn’t sure if Yoon Ye-jun had created that distance or if he himself had unconsciously opened his arms, but it was still unclear. However, the conclusion was that he himself had pulled Yoon Ye-jun towards him. Yoon Ye-jun hadn’t even been interested.
He let out another sigh. Even though he didn’t want to think about it, his thoughts kept drifting in that direction. “This is fucked up.” No matter how much he cursed day and night, he only dug himself deeper into self-loathing.
It had been a week since he started going back and forth to Ki Young-han’s house when Yoon Ye-jun finally entered, using the house Password Ki Young-han had given him. He hadn’t wanted to, but after running into the neighbors five times, he felt their discomfort and wariness, so he had no choice.
Before going in, he called one more time, but his Mobile phone remained silent. In the end, Yoon Ye-jun left a short message for Ki Young-han: ‘Young-han, I’m going into the house.’ He knew there would be no reply. However, having left a message, he felt a little better.
The house, which he hadn’t entered in a week, was filled only with silence. Ki Young-han was not there. Only the sticky heat lingered, and the only trace of a person was a few bone-dry dishes. Yoon Ye-jun stood at the boundary between the living room and the kitchen, looking around the house.
He walked silently towards the kitchen. He opened the lid of a pot on the gas stove. It contained kimchi stew that smelled foul and was unrecognizable. Yoon Ye-jun knew about this kimchi stew. It was what Ki Young-han had struggled to cook for him while watching a video the last time he visited.
Inside the pot, a sour smell mixed with gray mold. Yoon Ye-jun knew that Ki Young-han, who was usually so meticulous, had left for somewhere in such a state that he couldn’t even put this in the freezer, let alone the refrigerator. And he clearly felt that the reason was him.
“……”
Yoon Ye-jun eventually picked up the pot silently and moved it to the sink. He opened the refrigerator, checked the spoiled side dishes, and moved them all to the sink. There were so many. Yoon Ye-jun brought all the dishes in plastic containers, glass bowls, and pots to the sink, put the spoiled food into the food waste bin, and started washing the dishes.
Seeing the dishes being washed clean in the white foam, a corner of his heart ached.
The food he had brought for him, who had said he rarely ate at home, and which Ki Young-han had cooked for him, had now all become trash, and he was cleaning it all up. It was painful to realize that he had become such a presence to Ki Young-han now. Ki Young-han, who had left to avoid him openly, who was no longer reachable. Yoon Ye-jun was now feeling his absence belatedly.
He wished he could meet him just one more time, even if it meant being hated or just looked at coldly. Now that nothing was standing in the way, it was agonizing that he himself had become a hindrance. No matter how he thought about it, it was the worst.
Yoon Ye-jun focused on washing the dishes, clenching his jaw. He scrubbed the dishes, which were already clean, even harder. He even wanted to hear his uniquely prickly and cold voice.
Yoon Ye-jun held his breath. Then he turned on the faucet in the sink. The cold stream of water wet his soapy hands.
Right after the college entrance exams ended, Ki Young-han had gone on a trip alone. Not far, just to Chuncheon, reachable by subway. He visited places considered tourist attractions, but they didn’t resonate much with him. He watched couples and families laughing and having fun at a disused station, then bought a hamburger at the terminal and returned without eating dakgalbi or makguksu.
“……”
But today, even getting there was difficult. On the fifth day he had resolved to go on a trip tomorrow, he barely managed to book a train ticket, but then missed the train on the morning of departure.
Eventually, he ended up like this again, after another sleepless night. If it had been just to Chuncheon, he could have taken the subway, but today it was Busan, which felt overwhelming. He hadn’t even brought his Mobile phone, so what was he supposed to do?
But perhaps it was good that he hadn’t brought it. It had been at least a week since he turned his Mobile phone off. He had gone through many difficult moments during that time. He felt like he might impulsively send Yoon Ye-jun messages like ‘I’m eating well’ or ‘Let’s meet.’ Enduring and enduring, not turning on his Mobile phone was one of the best things he had done.
He went back to the ticket counter and bought a ticket. Standing shoulder to shoulder with elderly people who were clumsy with their Mobile phones, he bought a ticket for the KTX train with the earliest departure time. Even so, it was only 30 minutes away.
In the meantime, though he had no appetite, his stomach hurt, so he ate udon at a restaurant in the station. The overly stimulating udon, which came out less than a minute after ordering, was followed by a cigarette, and then a bottle of water from the convenience store. By then, it was almost time for the train to arrive.
Ki Young-han headed towards the train platform. Trudge, trudge. For some reason, his steps felt heavy. He was leaving to sort out his feelings, but his heart was still in Seoul, in the apartment bedroom, living room, or at the dining table where he had spent time with Yoon Ye-jun.
Soon, the train departed. The scenery outside slowly changed. Once past the bustling platform, only silent buildings flashed by like a video. Ki Young-han, caught up in the atmosphere, turned his head and stared at his train ticket. With no Mobile phone and nothing to do, he wondered how he would kill time. He soon sank into his seat and closed his eyes. Let’s just sleep. Though he wasn’t sure if he could.
His Mobile phone remained stubbornly silent.
Yoon Ye-jun was commuting to Ki Young-han’s house more often than he worked his part-time job. Today, he left another short message for Ki Young-han, who hadn’t even checked the messages he’d sent.
Me
Young-han, I came to your house again today. Sorry for coming in without permission. But I don’t know when you’ll be back.
2:48 PM
Stupid.
Not Ki Young-han, but me.
I knew nothing about Ki Young-han. Did I even try to know him in the first place? Regret followed belatedly, but Yoon Ye-jun had no way to fix it. He didn’t even know the names of Ki Young-han’s close friends, so what else could he possibly know?
He remembered vividly how Ki Young-han had treated him, but he knew nothing about him. He was struggling even to find him now that he had disappeared.
Yoon Ye-jun sat down on the sofa. He had plenty of time before he had to go to his beer house part-time job. He cooked ramen he bought from the convenience store in front of Ki Young-han’s house. Suddenly, Ki Young-han came to mind. This house itself was his home, so he kept thinking of Ki Young-han not just when he was here, but anywhere.
Even when preparing for the final exams, they used to study together at his house. Yoon Ye-jun, not wanting to wake Ki Young-han who had fallen asleep, went to the convenience store alone and bought ramen. While slurping the cup ramen with hot water, Ki Young-han, who had a light sleeper’s ear, woke up to the small noise, frowned deeply, and came outside.
And what did he say?
Did he ask why he was eating something like this?
Did he ask why he was looking so pathetic without even taking out any side dishes?
Although it was a scolding, Ki Young-han took out side dishes from the refrigerator and served them. Then, as if nothing had happened, he sat close by, leaning his body against Yoon Ye-jun’s shoulder. Ah, he remembered. Yoon Ye-jun remembered exactly what happened next.
Ki Young-han,
‘Is it delicious?’
He had asked that, and Yoon Ye-jun had brought a chopstickful of ramen to Ki Young-han’s mouth. Ki Young-han, who had been staring at him, accepted the ramen, and Yoon Ye-jun, despite his grumbling, found him so endearing that he fed him ramen several more times. They both woke up with swollen eyes the next day.
“……”
A faint smile appeared on Yoon Ye-jun’s lips as he thought about him for a long time. Recalling his daily life with Ki Young-han was calm and gentle. Moments that felt like they belonged to the distant past resurfaced vividly. He soon looked at the ramen in the pot. The noodles, swollen from soaking in the broth, looked like rice cakes. He let go of the smile he had been holding.
Eating alone felt lonely. Since living with Ki Young-han, he had shared most of his meals with him. It was a far cry from the days when he used to fill his hunger with two triangle kimbaps from the convenience store.
I miss Ki Young-han.
Just a few days ago, the thought of casually dating him had grown like a snowball rolled in snow. It was a light thought, but it grew. He had developed feelings, and although their personalities weren’t that compatible, he thought it was fun to be together and talk. He just thought it would be nice to have a normal relationship like other people.
There are things whose absence makes their presence felt more acutely. For Yoon Ye-jun, Ki Young-han was one of them. His words, which were far from affectionate but were thrown out shyly, the messages he sent constantly, the long phone calls despite not talking much, and his actions that always went his own way but were directed at him.
I really, really miss Ki Young-han.
Yoon Ye-jun thought of Ki Young-han as he looked at the swollen noodles. He hadn’t had an appetite to begin with, but the ramen in front of him looked like food waste, and he felt disgusted with himself for trying to force it down his throat just to survive.
He hated himself for trying to live when he didn’t even know where Ki Young-han was. Even though he knew what kind of hurt he had inflicted on Ki Young-han. I really hate it.
“……”
Yoon Ye-jun finally picked up the now cold pot. Then he walked to the sink.
Swoosh, swoosh.
Waves, white with foam, swept the sandy beach. The water, as it swept down the sand, mixed with the seawater and turned murky. Ki Young-han, who had no intention of dipping his feet in the sea, stood blankly in the middle of the beach, gazing at the eerily peaceful shore.
It was indeed summer.
People laughing and shouting, “Haha, hoho,” as they jumped into the sea, were busy enjoying themselves as if they had no troubles.
Ki Young-han just stood there silently.
The weather was exceptionally good today. The sunlight pouring from the sky reflected off the sand, making it sparkle even more, and the sea, with its unusually deep blue hue, was so clear it hurt the eyes.
It would have been better if it had rained.
He looked up at the sky, blaming it for no reason, but the weather seemed very far from rain.
“This is pathetic, really…”
Ki Young-han finally cursed under his breath and turned away. He sat down on the steps marking the boundary between the beach and the promenade. Even though it was a weekday, perhaps because it was vacation, there were many couples his age. Ki Young-han kicked at the grains of sand scattered in front of the steps as if to stomp his foot, but it was a miss.
Ki Young-han finally leaned his elbow on his thigh and rested his chin on his hand. His body seemed to crumple like a piece of paper. He just stared blankly at the sea. He thought, ‘If only I had come with Yoon Ye-jun…’ but quickly shook his head. ‘Are you crazy?’ He had come on this trip to sort out his thoughts, to not think about him, to forget him, to stop liking him, yet here he was, thinking of Yoon Ye-jun again.
“Excuse me.”
Just as he was lost in thought, a voice called out from nearby. Ki Young-han, already feeling sour and irritable, turned his head towards the direction of the voice with a displeased look.
A woman, dressed elegantly in a dress, holding a Mobile phone mounted on a tripod, spoke to Ki Young-han.
“Are you here alone?”
“Yes. Why?”
What business is it of yours if I’m here alone? Already feeling twisted, Ki Young-han’s irritation surged.
“If you don’t mind, could you take a picture for me?”
“……”
“I’m here alone too.”
As Ki Young-han stared without replying, the woman added. Her hand holding the tripod hesitated, moving towards Ki Young-han before stopping. Ki Young-han’s eyebrows twitched, and he shook his head.
“You can use the tripod.”
“…What?”
“Use the tripod. I have no intention of taking it for you.”
Ki Young-han, showing his true personality without filter, stood up abruptly. Then, he suddenly thought, ‘This is why I get told things like that by Yoon Ye-jun,’ and a belated reflection followed. Should I try to fix my personality? Ki Young-han put one hand in his pocket, stood with one leg crossed, and casually reached out.
“Give it here.”
“What?”
“Give me your Mobile phone. I’ll take it.”
“No thanks. You’re crazy.”
After he offered to take the picture, the other person cursed at him and disappeared. Ki Young-han felt like he wanted to go and confront the person who had reacted so absurdly to his kindness, but he was too lazy even for that and held back.
It felt like lethargy had become ingrained in him. It was natural, really, since his entire focus had been on Yoon Ye-jun for months. He had become like a piece of styrofoam floating on the vast ocean. He was swept by the waves, drifting with the currents.
He had become a person swayed by emotions far removed from reason, unable to even control his own feelings. It meant he was pathetic.
* * *
Ki Young-han grew tired of just staring at the sea endlessly. Who said the sea was dynamic? It was such a tedious, boring place. The waves, dragging up foam, would sweep the sand and then drag the grains of sand back down, unable to hold them. But could they reach the deep parts of the sea? They just circled around the sandy shore.
Ki Young-han felt like he had become one of the grains of sand surrounding the beach. Yoon Ye-jun was the wave. He had lured Ki Young-han, promising to take him to the deep sea, but ultimately, he couldn’t stray far from the sandy shore.
Holding a coffee bought from a cafe near the beach, Ki Young-han chewed on the plastic straw. The sun overhead radiated heat as if to melt everything, and the heavy humidity enveloped his surroundings, making his skin sticky, but he wasn’t sane enough to be swayed by such weather.
His mind was still a mess. Whenever the waves crashed, ‘swoosh, swoosh,’ it felt like a part of his heart was being swept away with the waves. He wished it would all be scraped away and disappear, then perhaps this confusion would lessen a bit. He was caught up in foolish thoughts.
But what was more bothersome than the confusion were the people. Occasionally, people would approach me, perhaps intoxicated by the atmosphere of the sea, but they would leave after a few words. It was for the best. I hated talking to people the most. My head was already a mess, and I didn’t have the mental capacity to chat with strangers.
I miss Yoon Ye-jun. That was the only thing Ki Young-han could think of. He wanted to watch the waves with him. Yoon Ye-jun would smile kindly as usual, talk about how beautiful the sea was, how cute the children running around the waves were, and would readily take photos if someone asked him to.
Unlike me, who was so pessimistic.
Ki Young-han finally pushed himself up from the stairs. Without his mobile phone, he couldn’t even tell how much time had passed. He looked around. The families who had been playing by the beach were slowly starting to pack up and head home. It seemed some time had indeed passed.
The aftermath was the problem. It was an impulsive trip, and he needed his mobile phone to prepare anything, but he had nothing. He didn’t want to end up feeling pathetic, sleeping by the beach.
Slipping his hands into his pockets, Ki Young-han tilted his head and looked at the blue sea one more time. Then, without further hesitation, he turned and walked away.
“…I should just go home.”
He muttered to himself and walked out to catch a taxi back to the station.
“Hyung, weren’t you going to Busan today?”
It was a little past ten at night when I got home. The first thing I saw after passing the entrance was my younger brother, sprawled on the living room floor with a tub of ice cream. Seeing the largest size tub, it was obvious who had brought it. Ki Young-hyun, who was watching television while clutching the ice cream tub with his arm and scooping ice cream with a pink spoon the size of his finger, looked surprised to see his brother suddenly back home and asked,
“Whether I go to Busan or Pyongyang, what business is it of yours?”
Ki Young-han tossed the shopping bag with the fish cake brand logo, which he was wearing on his wrist, onto the sofa. Only then did Ki Young-hyun, who had crawled on all fours, rummage through the shopping bag.
“Wow, fish cakes.”
He let out a less-than-impressed exclamation.
“Should I put them in the freezer?”
When Ki Young-han looked at him for asking the obvious, Ki Young-hyun finally scrambled to his feet and ran to the kitchen.
Ki Young-han grabbed his neck and moved his head from side to side as if stretching. All he had done today was take a train, look at the sea, and then take a train back to Seoul, yet his body felt completely drained. He felt like he might be able to sleep early tonight. His body felt tired, which made him feel a little more alive. Should he try living like this from tomorrow? But how long would it last?
Ki Young-han went into his room, gathered his clothes, and made plans for the future. Although they were promises that would undoubtedly not be kept.
Me
Young-han, did you see your grades? I think they turned out well thanks to you. Thank you.
10:05 AM
Yoon Ye-jun, who had sent a message that wouldn’t be read, lay stretched out on the sofa. The tired look in his eyes had settled.
Yoon Ye-jun had been sending Ki Young-han messages every day for over three weeks. Sometimes, he would call, wondering if his mobile phone was on, but he had given up on that a week ago. Ki Young-han had never turned his mobile phone on once. If he had changed his number, it would have said “number not in service,” but it just kept saying “mobile phone is turned off,” so that wasn’t it.
Knowing his personality, he knew Ki Young-han could be stubborn, but he hadn’t realized it would be to this extent.
Was it realistically possible for a person living in the 21st century to not turn on their mobile phone for almost a month?
But how deeply must he have been hurt for him to act this way? Self-loathing raised its head once more.
His meals consisted only of what the kitchen lady at the beer house would give him, saying, “Why have you lost so much weight? Please eat something.” Normally, he spent his time at Ki Young-han’s house. He considered sleeping over but decided against it, so he would just stay there until he had to leave for his part-time job in the morning.
Sometimes, he cleaned. With nothing else to do, he vacuumed and mopped, waiting for Ki Young-han. It was the only thing he could do. As a result, even though the house was empty, Ki Young-han’s apartment was always kept clean.
Yoon Ye-jun fumbled along the sofa and grabbed his mobile phone. He lightly pressed the power button and entered the school portal application.
Elective Course ∥ Performance and Communication Lee Han-woo A+
The result of the time spent with Ki Young-han remained as a grade. Yoon Ye-jun looked at it with tired eyes and then pressed the power button again. Ki Young-han would have scoffed, saying, “Of course, you got a good grade,” if he had seen his own grade.
“……”
Even though he received a high grade, he didn’t feel elated. If anything, he felt worse. Could getting good grades feel this terrible?
Yoon Ye-jun suddenly thought that perhaps he, not Ki Young-han, lacked communication skills. Come to think of it, Ki Young-han was a charming person. He had somehow turned around someone like himself, who had harbored greater negative feelings. Compared to him, it was he who had shattered a relationship that could have succeeded.
If he could meet Ki Young-han again, he would gladly give back this grade.
A+. Because of this result, there was nothing left that could connect them. If only the grade hadn’t been so good, perhaps he could have used it as an excuse to contact Ki Young-han. Even though he wasn’t receiving any calls at all.
Yoon Ye-jun went back to his messages. He scrolled through the unread messages one by one, checking them.
Young-han, when will you turn on your mobile phone? I come to your house every day.
When can we meet again?
Where are you going for your summer vacation? Please let me know when you check your messages. I want to go to you.
Young-han, I’m sorry for sending messages so late at night. But I’m so sorry that I want to apologize. I can’t send proof on my mobile phone, but I’ll tell you when we meet. I can tell you everything.
Young-han, your house is too lonely without you.
I can’t even eat properly. You told me to come to your house and eat. Young-han.
…….
After checking each of the pathetic messages he had sent to Ki Young-han, Yoon Ye-jun pressed down on the keypad with force. In the house without him, on the large sofa that no one filled beside him, in his house that carried only the unique scent of Ki Young-han.
Me
Young-han.
10:38 AM
I miss you so, so much.
10:38 AM
Elective Course ∥ Performance and Communication Lee Han-woo A+
After checking his grades on the portal site with his laptop, Ki Young-han unhesitatingly clicked the ‘X’ button at the very top of the internet window. The internet screen closed, leaving only the blue desktop background. He stared blankly at the desktop for a while.
I wonder if Yoon Ye-jun got good grades.
Actually, since he had always received decent grades, he felt no joy or pride. He just maintained his usual mood. Which meant he felt terrible.
“……”
August was just around the corner. Ki Young-han remained still, feeling no need to adjust his grades, and leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes.
He still felt like crap.
The distressing emotions that had persisted for days did not subside or calm down with the passage of time. It was natural, considering he thought of Yoon Ye-jun for about 23 hours and 47 minutes out of every 24.
The thought of turning on his mobile phone to send a message was now replaced by a sense of detachment. He had become afraid that Yoon Ye-jun might not have contacted him at all.
He finally let out a deep breath. At that moment, a noise tickling his ears reached him belatedly. He snapped his eyes open and immediately turned his chair. A sound was coming from outside.
Ki Young-han thought he wouldn’t let Ki Young-hyun off if he was the cause, and approached the door without hesitation. He yanked the doorknob open. He stepped into the living room from the hallway near his room and found Ki Young-hyun with a little kid.
“……”
“……”
The small child, whose hand was held and shaken back and forth on Ki Young-hyun’s lap, turned his head towards Ki Young-han. Ki Young-hyun also froze and looked at Ki Young-han. Ki Young-han tilted his head.
“What is that?”
“…What is what?”
“What is that kid?”
The child, who looked about five years old at most, got down from Ki Young-hyun’s lap and hid behind him. As if he was going to eat him. Ki Young-han glared at the child, then shifted his gaze to Ki Young-hyun.
Ki Young-hyun’s lips moved several times before he finally managed to speak.
“Limm Dae-han’s younger brother… Dae-ryong.”
Six years old… The kid hiding behind Ki Young-hyun, his beak-like lips moving, stated his age. Ki Young-han didn’t care if the kid was six or forty-six.
“But why is he at our house?”
“Uh, he said he had a tutoring session for a bit today… and asked me to watch him until then.”
“Do you know what time it is?”
“Uh, hyung… but Dae-ryong will be startled, can’t you go inside?”
Ki Young-hyun put his arm around Dae-ryong’s shoulder, defending him. Ki Young-han looked at the two similarly-looking boys with cold eyes, and then, too bothered to scold them, went back into his room.
He lay face down on the bed again, feeling the lethargy anew, when he heard giggling from outside. They were having a grand time. Ki Young-han gritted his teeth and flung the door open again. When he went to the living room, Ki Young-hyun shut his mouth with a snap.
“Can you please be quiet?”
He didn’t even have the energy to get angry.
“Mmm… But hyung, you know.”
“Yeah.”
“Hyung, where’s that advanced English grammar notebook you organized before? The one you told me to look at.”
“Why that?”
“Ah, just…”
He knew perfectly well who he intended to show that notebook to. Ki Young-han waved his hand dismissively. He stopped just as he was about to go back into his room.
“Hey, that’s at the other house.”
“Huh? Ah, then can I go get it for him?”
Ki Young-han cursed inwardly. All youngest siblings were like that. They thought that because they were spoiled, they would get whatever they wanted if they just whined a little. Ki Young-han, with an even more desolate expression, said to his younger brother,
“I have no intention of going to that house. If you need it, you bring it here.”
“……”
Ki Young-hyun pouted his lips. Ah, I can’t even give him a light smack on the head. Ki Young-han glared at his brother, who was provoking him more than usual today. Ki Young-hyun glanced at Ki Young-han and gave an awkward smile. He scratched the sofa with his fingernails. Calm down, hyung, it seemed to say, which only made him more annoyed.
“Then I’ll go get it now. Hyung, send me the password on KakaoTalk.”
“There’s a card key in my desk drawer in my room, so take that.”
“Ah, okay. Dae-ryong, let’s go out.”
Ki Young-hyun, who had whined so much to him, was now acting like an older brother. Ki Young-han clicked his tongue briefly. A muffled sound, “Ung?” came back. It was a childish, high-pitched voice, unlike anything he had ever heard from Limm Dae-han, with whom he had spoken. Thinking that this kid would also become burly like Limm Dae-han later, Ki Young-han, feeling his mood worsen, turned to get the card key.
“I, I… it’s hot… Hyung, I’m hot…”
It was late July. The house was always kept cool with the air conditioner on full blast, but the heatwave, strong enough to melt flesh the moment one stepped outside, had already reached their doorstep.
The child, who was clearly expressing his reluctance to go, whined just as much as Ki Young-hyun. They seem to get along well. Ki Young-han thought that whether they were six or nineteen, their actions were the same.
“You’re hot? Then what should we do. Dae-ryong, should hyung stay here for an hour?”
At Ki Young-hyun’s voice, tinged with helplessness, Ki Young-han turned his head sharply.
Ah, I’ve been caught.
Two pairs of eyes, with clear intentions, were fixed on him.
“……”
“……”
Ki Young-han lay stretched out, using the armrest of the sofa as a pillow. Dae-ryong sat on the opposite side, watching television with a proper posture. Ki Young-hyun was gone. He had left 10 minutes ago, leaving Dae-ryong behind.
In the cartoon Ki Young-hyun had left on, two robots fought, and then the robots’ owners suddenly bonded over their friendship. While Ki Young-han watched the poorly structured cartoon with disinterest, Dae-ryong clenched his fists, excited, and hit the sofa with his small fists. At each pak, pak sound, Ki Young-han would glance over, and Dae-ryong would pretend not to notice and look away.
The cartoon they had been watching ended, followed by a barrage of commercials, and then the next program began. In this day and age, there’s no distinction between boys and girls, but this cartoon was clearly aimed at the wallets of young girls, or rather, their parents.
Ki Young-han rolled his eyes slightly.
Dae-ryong, who had been quiet until then, didn’t move once the cartoon started, staring only at the television. He must like this program, Ki Young-han thought, and was about to shift his gaze to the boring, childish, and predictable program when Dae-ryong’s eyes met his. The child fidgeted with his feet.
“Yong-i… doesn’t watch Soryu Ruby… because my older sister said it’s childish…”
Yong-i?
Ki Young-han frowned slightly. It seemed he was calling himself Yong-i by taking the last syllable from the name ‘Dae-ryong,’ but to Ki Young-han, both Ki Young-hyun and the child seemed like equally immature youngest siblings.
He wasn’t curious about the talk of an older sister. If it was an older sister, it was probably his biological sister, but Ki Young-han wasn’t particularly interested. Whether it was an older sister or an older brother.
“Then give me the remote. Let’s watch something else.”
Ki Young-han lay on the sofa and reached out his hand. Unlike Dae-ryong, who sat upright on the sofa, he slowly reached for the remote and hugged it to his chest.
“…It’s childish, but can we watch for a little bit?”
Ki Young-han looked at the child, who had already secured the remote, with half-closed eyes. On the television, a prince who had been overacting had suddenly shrunk to the size of a fairy. Dae-ryong’s eyes widened, and without being asked, he pointed at the screen, saying, “This is Prince Who-Who…”
Ki Young-han stared at Dae-ryong and urged him on.
“Give me the remote. You said it was childish.”
However, he wasn’t the kind of person with enough patience to indulge such childish behavior.
Beep-
The result of sending messages to Ki Young-han for three weeks with no reply, and visiting his house, appeared before his eyes. Yoon Ye-jun, who had been spending time alone in the silent house where even the television wasn’t on, jumped up at the sound of the door opening from the entrance.
Is it Ki Young-han?
His heart pounded rapidly, thump, thump, thump*. His body, which had been listlessly slumped in near resignation, regained vitality and color.
Yoon Ye-jun immediately approached the entrance. The doorknob turned with a mechanical sound. The time it took for the door to open seemed to pass slower than usual. His heart swelled. What should he say to Ki Young-han, whom he was seeing after so long? First, he had to apologize. That he was sorry, that he had spoken carelessly, that even though he didn’t want to think of it as a mistake, it was the best he could do at the time.
The door opened very slowly. Yoon Ye-jun clasped his hands and focused his gaze on the gap in the door.
“……”
“…Who are you?”
But it wasn’t Ki Young-han.
The neatly dressed student didn’t resemble Ki Young-han. Unlike Ki Young-han’s rather sharp impression, he had a round, soft face. The corners of his eyes were gently turned down, and he was quite short. Yoon Ye-jun blinked a couple of times without answering, and the student took a step back, checked the apartment number, and then re-entered.
“Are you hyung’s friend? No… you don’t seem like someone who would give out the password…”
The student muttered to himself and hesitated at the entrance. Yoon Ye-jun lowered his gaze, filled with disappointment. The student took off his shoes and entered the house. His movements showed no sign of caution.
“I know Young-han… Are you perhaps…?”
“Ah, I’m his younger brother. I came to find something.”
“…Where is Young-han?”
Only then did a wary gaze finally fall upon him.
“Hyung is at home. Did you come without permission?”
“Ah, well… Young-han wasn’t answering his phone.”
“He’s at home. He’s been at home, constantly.”
Ki Young-han’s younger brother, Ki Young-hyun, went into the room closest to the entrance. Yoon Ye-jun stood at the doorway and watched him. He rummaged through the bookshelves and pulled out a rather thick notebook, flipping through it with his hand. “Found it,” he muttered softly.
Clutching the notebook, Ki Young-hyun came back out with short strides. He looked up slightly at Yoon Ye-jun. He didn’t resemble Ki Young-han at all, making it impossible to think he was his brother. Ki Young-hyun looked up with innocent eyes and asked,
“Didn’t you try contacting him on his mobile phone?”
“…His mobile phone was turned off.”
“Ah… Then, should I give you my home address? I don’t have a phone at home. If it’s urgent, we can just meet near my place, right?”
“Ah…”
Would Ki Young-han even want to see me? Yoon Ye-jun hesitated belatedly. What if I went, only to get hurt and hurt him in return before parting ways? Perhaps this was also a method of avoidance. I don’t want to be hated by Young-han. It felt like I was about to swallow my fear.
Facing Yoon Ye-jun’s hesitation, Ki Young-hyun asked.
“Uh, but someone’s waiting down there, so I have to go down. Can you… stay here for a while longer?”
“Ah, me too… No, just a little longer.”
What was I saying? Yoon Ye-jun blamed his own mouth for spewing such pathetic words. His younger brother, nodding slowly, stepped towards the entrance.
Yoon Ye-jun continued to linger. He wanted to see Ki Young-han, wanted to face him. He wanted to clear up misunderstandings, apologize for what he needed to apologize for. He wanted to say, “I really missed you.” “I was so lonely while you were gone.” “I think I caught something from you too. I want to be with you always.” “I like you.” He wanted to confess such childish things.
But he was scared. He was afraid of Ki Young-han, who would look at him coldly. He didn’t have the confidence to face Ki Young-han, who would no longer care about him, and the thought of speaking with Ki Young-han, who would scold him for being so oblivious, felt like sheer terror.
Yoon Ye-jun approached the entrance, following Ki Young-hyun.
“But, you know.”
Ki Young-hyun spoke as he put on his shoes.
“Are you close with my brother? He’s been acting strange lately. Really… a bit strange. How should I put it. He was always like that, but he’s even stranger now. Anyway.”
The moment he heard those words, his heart seemed to drop. All the convoluted thoughts he had harbored, the avoidance and the suppressed feelings, came to a halt. Yoon Ye-jun stared at Ki Young-hyun, unable to even blink. His younger brother, having finished putting on his shoes and clutching a notebook to his chest, bowed his head.
At that moment, Yoon Ye-jun grabbed him. Perhaps this was his last chance.
Startled by the sudden grab, Ki Young-hyun’s eyes widened.
“…Yes?”
“Please, give me your home address… Even just the building name is fine.”
All emotions arrive in an instant. For Yoon Ye-jun, this moment was just that. He wanted to see Ki Young-han right now. He wanted to confess his feelings to him.
He didn’t even care about the pathetic things he had rambled on about. It was far from the composed, seemingly kind yet distant demeanor he always tried to project to others. Yoon Ye-jun was that desperate.
Ki Young-han and Daeryong each occupied an end of the sofa, staring at the television without any usual conversation. Ki Young-han, pressing buttons on the remote he’d snatched from Daeryong, changed channels arbitrarily. Daeryong, pouting his lips, glared at the television, expressing his displeasure.
As expected for an early weekday afternoon, there was nothing worth watching on TV. Ki Young-han, his face even more desolate than Daeryong’s, who had lost the remote, grumbled that there was nothing decent to watch.
As he mindlessly flipped through channels, a familiar melody drifted out. He pressed the remote button to go back to the previous channel.
“……”
It was a music channel. A retro music show that always talked about what was ‘currently’ trending, even when it was long past its prime. On the channel that endlessly played music videos, a drama-style music video, long out of fashion, was playing.
When the female protagonist was being chased by gangsters, the male protagonist, presumed to be a local tough, saved her. Despite the cliché, melodramatic plot, Ki Young-han found himself staring at the music video for quite some time.
The plot of the music video didn’t register with him. All his attention was focused on the song.
He didn’t know the title, but the melody was familiar. It was the song he had heard when Yoon Ye-jun had put his earphones in his ears at a cafe. Back then, he had wondered why Ye-jun listened to such a dreary song, so unlike him, but now, hearing it, the poignant lyrics felt exactly like his own situation.
The hand holding the remote trembled. His life, which had once considered words like love and romance childish and unrealistic, was falling apart like this. He had thought it was a revenge plot against his own life, where he had stabbed others with sharp words, but honestly, it was Yoon Ye-jun’s fault. Still, he didn’t want to resent him.
He should have asked Yoon Ye-jun if he liked this song. Why did he always act uninterested? In truth, he was more interested in him than anyone else. If he had loved him to his heart’s content, he would have fewer regrets, damn it.
It was a moment that passed in an instant, too fleeting to assign much meaning to. He would be the only one assigning meaning to this song. He didn’t even know if Yoon Ye-jun actually liked this song or not. Ki Young-han no longer pouted his lips. He just stared intently at the screen.
The sad melody, which had continued, stopped at its peak. The female protagonist called out the male protagonist’s name. At the sound of her voice, the male protagonist, who had looked back from a crosswalk, was hit by a car. It was unbearable to watch.
Ki Young-han bit his lower lip. It was too childish to bear. He was about to change the channel.
“…Hyung-ah.”
A voice came from beside him. Ki Young-han glanced over. Bewilderment was etched in the clear eyes looking at him.
“Hyung-ah… are you crying?”
Ki Young-han felt utterly mortified. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand. Daeryong crossed the sofa and clung to Ki Young-han’s shoulder.
“…Are you crying?”
Can’t you tell? Why are you asking? This is why I dislike kids. They always act young, affectionate, and friendly while poking at people.
“It’s because it’s hot. It’s sweat.”
“Why, why are you crying? Is it because the song is sad?”
Even if it were sweat, if you’re going to conclude it’s tears, why ask if I’m crying?
Ki Young-han looked at Daeryong, who was breathing shallowly beside him, and moved the remote he was holding. He switched to the cartoon Daeryong had been watching just minutes before, fiercely guarding the remote.
“S Ruby…”
Daeryong whispered in a small voice. Ki Young-han handed the remote to Daeryong. He wanted to go back to his room, but he had promised to look after the child, so he couldn’t. In the end, he touched his forehead and lay down on the sofa. He had intended to mock the characters who took themselves so seriously over trivial matters, but since he himself was tearing up over a mere song, he turned over and lay on his back.
“Daeryong-ah.”
Ki Young-hyun called out to Daeryong as he closed the front door and entered the house. The noise that reached Ki Young-han’s ears made him slightly lift his eyelids.
His sleep was usually sensitive, so he would normally wake up just hearing the sound of the door lock’s password being entered, but today he hadn’t noticed until Ki Young-hyun entered the living room. He couldn’t even remember when he had fallen asleep.
To cry and then fall asleep. It was incredibly embarrassing. Still, having taken a nap after a long time, the immense fatigue that had always accumulated felt slightly lighter.
Ki Young-han felt the weight on his arm and looked down at Daeryong, who was in his arms, before Ki Young-hyun entered the living room. Daeryong’s round head came into view. His black hair lay flat. It seemed Daeryong was using his arm as a pillow rather than being held.
When did this kid come and fall asleep?
Ki Young-han carefully picked up Daeryong, who was asleep in his arms.
“Hyung, was Daeryong sleeping?”
“Yeah. Why are you so late?”
“Sorry. Limm Dae-han insisted on walking me to your place after tutoring.”
This confirmed who the owner of the grammar notebook was. Given Limm Dae-han’s personality, he wouldn’t ask to borrow a notebook; it was clearly his younger brother’s meddling.
Ki Young-han stood up, holding Daeryong. He didn’t know how to hold him, so he just supported his neck, but Daeryong himself wrapped his short, chubby arms around Ki Young-han’s neck.
“He’s…”
“Waiting downstairs.”
“Should I wake him up?”
Ki Young-hyun said this, perhaps wondering if Ki Young-hyun could carry him alone, but Ki Young-hyun opened his arms wide. He said, “No. I’ll carry him,” and took Daeryong with surprising skill. He looked more comfortable than when Ki Young-han was holding him. Ki Young-han had nothing more to say, so he stroked his neck and stood with one leg crossed.
Holding Daeryong, Ki Young-hyun walked towards the entrance. Ki Young-han followed behind Ki Young-hyun. Ki Young-hyun, holding Daeryong and skillfully putting on his shoes, opened his mouth and said, “Ah.”
“Hyung, you know.”
“Yeah.”
“Someone was at your place. They said they were your friend.”
“My friend?”
“Yeah. Uh… they were a bit taller than me, and their face was a little tanned. Handsome.”
“……”
As soon as Ki Young-hyun finished his description, Ki Young-han scowled. The face of the only person who knew his home password flashed in his mind. It had to be Yoon Ye-jun, but there was no reason for him to come to his place. He wanted to say they must have seen wrong, but the description alone pointed to Yoon Ye-jun. Why? Why was he here? He lightly licked his lips, which had been parted.
Thump, thump… This damned heart, despite everything it had been through, began to beat wildly with renewed hope. Ki Young-han struggled to suppress his unruly body. Trying to maintain his usual demeanor, he asked,
“…Why did he come?”
However, the voice that came out was extremely cautious.
“Uh, didn’t you give him the password? But he looked like he had something to say. So I told him about my place…”
Ki Young-han turned around immediately. His steps into the room were hurried. He went straight into the room and snatched his mobile phone. He didn’t even wait for the phone to turn on. He pressed and held the power button, turning on his mobile phone, which had been in standby mode.
Ki Young-han opened the closet door and picked out clothes. He put on a matching tracksuit set and a cap of the same brand. He came out of the room again and grabbed the car keys he had left by the entrance.
“Hey, move.”
He pushed aside Ki Young-hyun, who was still standing blankly at the entrance. Grumbling. Ki Young-hyun grumbled something from behind, but he didn’t have time to catch him like a rat.
Inside the taxi, filled with the cold air conditioner breeze, Yoon Ye-jun, sitting in the back seat, repeatedly turned his mobile phone off and on. He was less than five minutes away from arriving at Ki Young-han’s family home. The hesitation about whether it was okay for him to go was gone. He wanted to see Ki Young-han immediately, he had something to say.
“Young-han, I’m really sorry. Please forgive me just once. It’s so hard without you. I want to be with you, always. I’ll repay all the love you’ve given me. Please.”
Desperate sentences swirled in his mind. Could he say these words directly to Ki Young-han’s face?
Yoon Ye-jun’s mouth felt dry. Anxiety filled the corners of his lips like withdrawal symptoms. He kept clasping his fingers together and shaking his knees. He was anxious.
Would Ki Young-han even agree to meet him? He had kept his phone off for weeks because he didn’t want to receive his calls, so would he meet him if he just showed up?
Yoon Ye-jun gnawed on his lips, then picked at the dry skin. He took a deep, calming breath and looked out the window. The day was unnecessarily bright. White clouds floated in the sky, beautifully colored in blue, and despite the scorching sun, the weather looked like a watercolor painting.
Summer is indeed summer. The moment he thought this, his hand trembled. Startled by the sudden vibration, Yoon Ye-jun flinched and looked down at the mobile phone in his hand.
Bbidori.
Unbelievable characters appeared on the screen.
* * *
He had fragmented memories of how he got here. Ki Young-han parked the car in the parking lot of his apartment and held his mobile phone.
He didn’t even check the messages from other people. He searched only for Yoon Ye-jun’s name. In the messenger, there were about 50 messages from Yoon Ye-jun. The times and dates were all different.
On some days, he seemed drunk, angrily asking why his phone was off, and on others, he begged for forgiveness. “Young-han, Young-han.” Seeing the messages, the familiar gentle voice came to mind, and Ki Young-han stared at the short sentences with fierce eyes.
What do you want now?
A malicious thought surfaced, but he, who had only managed to align the signals to come here, was not normal either.
Ki Young-han’s hand, which had been checking the messages with a deeply furrowed brow, stopped. The most recent message caught his eye.
Yoon Ye-jun
Young-han.
10:38 AM
I miss you so, so much.
10:38 AM
“……”
The reason he had returned to the house he swore he would never visit again, like a person in a daze. Ki Young-han’s Adam’s apple bobbed. His long, straight eyelashes trembled. He closed his eyes deeply, then buried his forehead in the steering wheel. He tightened his jaw. He took a deep breath.
What if he’s lying again? What if I’m fooled again? What if he stabs me in the back again?
He missed Yoon Ye-jun so, so, so much, but he was also scared. Weren’t the words he had said the worst possible words to hear from someone you liked?
However, unlike his confused mind, Ki Young-han went into Yoon Ye-jun’s profile. Instinctively, he acted again. His hand, which was connecting the call, was urgent. As the monotonous ringing tone was heard, he brought the mobile phone to his ear. About two rings later, the voice he had always wanted to hear filled the phone.
-Young-han.
“…Where are you?”
Ki Young-han realized for the first time that he was such a crybaby. He rarely got hurt by human relationships, and even when he was physically injured, he would just get angry. When sad things happened, he would often scoff, so crying was extremely rare for him.
But the moment he heard Yoon Ye-jun’s voice calling him, “Young-han,” Ki Young-han felt like crying again. It was like the relief he felt when he had lost Ki Young-hyun at the amusement park with his parents. While searching for him separately from his parents, he had seen Ki Young-hyun sitting on a bench, not crying but biting his lip and scanning the people quickly, and when he finally saw him, he had burst into tears, calling out, “Hyung.” It was that level of relief. Ki Young-han bit his lips, barely holding back.
-You know, Young-han.
“I asked where you are.”
However, despite his complex feelings, his voice didn’t come out nicely. He knew he was at home, but since he only needed to go up, he felt like being petty.
He wanted Yoon Ye-jun to care about him. He wanted Yoon Ye-jun to know that he had contacted him. Ki Young-han barely suppressed his bobbing Adam’s apple. He raised his hand over the doorknob, about to pull the door open.
“Thank you,” Yoon Ye-jun said to someone. Then he quickly added.
-I just got down. I’m at your place. Can you come down for a moment?
“What?”
-You might not want to see me, but please come down just once. I’ll explain everything.
What is he talking about? He’s not asking me to come up, but to come down?
“……”
-It’ll only be for a moment.
“Which place…?”
He didn’t want to sound stupid, but that tone slipped out. Ki Young-han asked in a voice mixed with a bewildered breath, “Which place…?” From the other end of the phone, Yoon Ye-jun mentioned the neighborhood where his family home was located. Ki Young-han suddenly remembered his last conversation with Ki Young-hyun.
‘Uh, didn’t you give him the password? But he looked like he had something to say. So I told him about my place….’
My place.
Ki Young-han’s furrowed brow began to crease even more. Could he blame Ki Young-hyun? Anyone could see that he had rushed out without even properly listening to his own story. Ki Young-han couldn’t say anything. He felt his energy drain away. He was stunned for a moment. When Yoon Ye-jun called his name again from the phone, he finally returned to reality.
“……”
-Is it because you don’t want to meet? But it’ll only be for a moment. Really…
“I’m… at my studio apartment, not my family home.”
He finally said it. There was no further response from the other end of the phone. Ki Young-han looked out the window at the unnecessarily bright day. He hadn’t expected them to miss each other. Yoon Ye-jun seemed to feel the same way. I have to go back, to Yoon Ye-jun, Ki Young-han thought, reaching for the car key that was already inserted.
-Young-han.
“Yes.”
-Stay there. I don’t want to miss you.
Yoon Ye-jun’s voice sounded strange. It was a little plaintive, yet also resolute. Ki Young-han thought he didn’t want to be fooled anymore, but listening to that voice made him act without conviction again. Ki Young-han soothed his dry mouth. He swallowed dryly without realizing it.
The house, which he hadn’t cleaned after fleeing in a rush after a long absence, was surprisingly neat. He had left for his parents’ house without even checking the food, but instead of attracting insects, there wasn’t even any food left. It was likely Yoon Ye-jun, who had said he was here, had cleaned it all up.
“Who does he think he is.”
A grumbling voice escaped him for no reason.
Ki Young-han calmed his nerves and, maintaining his usual expression, looked around the house. There were no traces of Yoon Ye-jun, other than the discarded food. He couldn’t believe he had spent time here. Suspicion welled up for no reason. What if Ki Young-hyun and Yoon Ye-jun were colluding to deceive him? Of course, that wouldn’t happen.
“…….”
He wasn’t in his right mind either. He had just returned here, pushing forward like a bulldozer without a second thought. Merely because Yoon Ye-jun was waiting for him.
All the time he had spent doing all sorts of things to sort out his feelings had gone to waste. Perhaps he had known all along. It was never easy to stop liking Yoon Ye-jun, to forget him, to empty all his feelings for him.
Ki Young-han, who had turned on the air conditioner to the lowest setting in case Yoon Ye-jun arrived in a hurry and felt hot, sat on the sofa and thought of Yoon Ye-jun the entire time. He imagined what he would say when he arrived, and then, worried he might have had an accident on the way, he paced the living room and pressed himself against the window, looking down at the ground-level parking lot. But that didn’t last long, and he eventually collapsed onto the sofa, exhausted.
About thirty minutes passed like that.
Beep- beep- beep- beep- beep- beep- beep- beep-
The person who knew the password to this house, the only one besides himself, opened the front door while entering the eight-digit password. Ki Young-han, who had barely managed to sit down on the sofa, jumped up at the sound of the password being entered. He walked to the entrance without hesitation. Yoon Ye-jun stepped in through the half-open door.
“…….”
“…….”
The two exchanged not a single common greeting. Ki Young-han’s insides began to twist. Why had he become so gaunt? He had hurt him so he would leave, so why was he acting like he was the one who had been hurt and suffered? The person who used to puff out his cheeks and smile happily when eating now looked like he hadn’t eaten for days. His head was a mess.
“Young-han.”
Yoon Ye-jun, who had been standing as if he might collapse at any moment, called out to Ki Young-han belatedly. Ki Young-han crossed his arms and stood with one leg. He tilted his head and glanced up at him with only his eyes. He clenched his jaw, barely holding back the urge to retort sarcastically.
Yoon Ye-jun leaned on the shoe rack with unsteady steps and took off his shoes. Ki Young-han turned his body to the side. He moved to let him pass. Yoon Ye-jun walked past the entrance and stood facing Ki Young-han. Then, he pulled Ki Young-han, who had his arms firmly crossed as a guard, into a hug.
“…What are you doing?”
“…Let’s just stay like this for a moment.”
Where had he learned to hug someone out of the blue when he should be begging? Ki Young-han’s insides seethed with curses, but not a single word escaped his lips. He knew the reason himself. He liked the warmth of Yoon Ye-jun, which he hadn’t felt in a long time.
Instead, he released his tightly clasped arms. The gap between them narrowed. Yoon Ye-jun placed his hands on Ki Young-han’s back and rested his cheek on his shoulder. He felt hot, perhaps from the body heat. Ki Young-han pouted his lips.
The embrace didn’t last long. As the body heat and tangled emotions began to empty Ki Young-han’s mind, Yoon Ye-jun slowly stepped back. Ki Young-han felt a sense of loss. He hated him, but he had met him after such a long time, and Yoon Ye-jun rarely initiated such physical contact. He liked kissing, he liked sex, but he liked this too.
Yoon Ye-jun then held Ki Young-han’s arms. Looking into his large, dark eyes, Ki Young-han licked his lips for no reason. This was the problem. He had turned off his mobile phone, he had tried various things to stop liking Yoon Ye-jun, but his heart softened the moment they met.
Yoon Ye-jun exhaled deeply. He moved his lips a couple of times. Ki Young-han just watched, waiting to see what words would come out of those lips.
“Young-han, I was threatened by Kim Jae-ui.”
Before he could even process whether it was true or false, his heart sank. Ki Young-han stared at Yoon Ye-jun, unable to utter a reply. Yoon Ye-jun bit his lip, nodded as if he had made a firm decision. Then he took out his mobile phone from his pocket. He immediately went to the album where he saved photos and showed him an incomprehensible screenshot. Ki Young-han took the mobile phone.
“This is what I took after snatching Kim Jae-ui’s phone. I did it to various people, and after this, I didn’t get any more contact.”
“Swipe to the side,” Yoon Ye-jun’s low voice reached him. Ki Young-han frowned between his eyebrows, unable to understand, and looked at the photos. They were messenger screenshots filled with cheesy, disgusting messages. What was the big deal? He looked up, bewildered. Yoon Ye-jun smiled calmly, as if it were obvious.
“Do you remember kissing in your car on the day of my exam?”
“…So what if I remember?”
“Kim Jae-ui took that photo. I couldn’t see who it was because it was in the underground parking lot, but anyway. So I had to reassure Kim Jae-ui to get him to delete the photo. And I tried to snatch his phone… That’s when you appeared. It was my mistake. No matter how much taking the phone was the priority, I shouldn’t have said that about you.”
“…….”
“I’m truly, truly sorry, Young-han.”
A pathetic bastard. So pathetic. He should have just smashed his head with a beer bottle on the festival day.
Ki Young-han cursed under his breath, holding the mobile phone. Yoon Ye-jun read Ki Young-han’s expression, smiled faintly, and then slowly lowered his head. Ki Young-han felt pity for Yoon Ye-jun, who had carried all this alone. What had he said to him? Yet, conflicting emotions tangled in his mind. No matter what. Even though Yoon Ye-jun had apologized, no matter what.
Yoon Ye-jun soon raised his head. His expression was indescribable. He looked apologetic, and also self-deprecating.
“I wanted to see you casually, but your absence was bigger than I thought, and it was hard. I wanted to beg you, but your phone was off, and even though I came here every day, you wouldn’t open the door, so I came in, but you were already gone. I didn’t know how to find you. If your brother hadn’t come, I would have been missing you here today too.”
Listening to Yoon Ye-jun speak while barely making eye contact, Ki Young-han felt distressed. His Adam’s apple bobbed as if there were a lump in his throat. He even had to breathe artificially. Yoon Ye-jun had spent his time in distress, just as he had. It felt strange, and he didn’t want to accept it easily.
No matter what.
“…Still, even if you were threatened, you shouldn’t have spoken to me like that. Because I confessed that I liked you, you took me for granted, right? You wouldn’t have said that to someone else, would you?”
The reason for his confused mind escaped through his teeth. Even saying this, he felt ashamed to utter it aloud. There was nothing more to say. Ki Young-han bit his lip hard to scold himself for being so pathetic. There wasn’t even any dead skin to peel off.
He had never thought of himself this way his whole life, but he must have been a crybaby. He shouldn’t have let his younger brother call him a crybaby since he was little. His eyes quickly became moist.
“…I hate you.”
He thought only tears were welling up, but large teardrops began to fall. Just as Yoon Ye-jun had done moments before, Ki Young-han lowered his head this time. He felt mortified, but these tears poured out and welled up uncontrollably.
“I’m sorry, Young-han. I was wrong…”
“…….”
“You must have resented me a lot.”
Yoon Ye-jun’s voice also became wet. Seeing Ki Young-han crying, he felt pity. How much had he suffered? How much had he resented him? Worry came first. Yoon Ye-jun pulled Ki Young-han into an embrace. His much larger frame was pulled into his arms.
“I hate you, really…”
Ki Young-han rubbed his face against Yoon Ye-jun’s shoulder. Yoon Ye-jun felt his clothes getting wet. Instead, he tightened his grip on Ki Young-han.
“I’m sorry, Young-han.”
He was such an honest expression of emotion, yet guilt also surfaced. Ki Young-han’s honesty was a weapon and a candle illuminating his affection. He had hurt him. Perhaps Ki Young-han was right. Because he had confessed his feelings, because it was so obvious, he had been short-sighted, thinking only of getting through the immediate situation. Yoon Ye-jun couldn’t even grasp the deep wound he had left in Ki Young-han’s heart. However, he had something to say to him.
“Stop crying and look up. Okay?”
Yoon Ye-jun stroked Ki Young-han’s forearm and made him lift his head. Ki Young-han, with his eyes red and tear-soaked, finally looked up. His eyes were red from crying so much.
Ki Young-han couldn’t even wipe away his tears. Drip, drip, tears welled up again and streamed down his cheeks. Yoon Ye-jun gently tapped his eyes with his palm.
At one time, he had thought him rude. He had often wondered why he spoke that way. But in the end, he was the one who opened the door, having grown accustomed to that personality. He, who had always pretended to be good, was able to take off his mask thanks to Ki Young-han.
Could one love someone so purely, without weighing each other, without conditions? Expressing everything honestly.
Yoon Ye-jun bit his lips tightly. Then, as he slowly released his lips, he confessed his feelings.
“Young-han, I like you.”
“I…”
“I like you. I want to date you. I’ll repay you for all the hurt I’ve caused.”
“I, sob*… I said I hated you.”
Ki Young-han, holding his breath, shed more tears after speaking. He was like a child. Crying that he hated him, Ki Young-han still moved closer to hug him. Yoon Ye-jun stroked Ki Young-han’s shoulder. He was hugged again in no time. This time, he rubbed his wet face against his neck.
“I’ll repay you for everything, Young-han. Please date me.”
“I’ll hate you… forever.”
“It’s okay. I’ll do better.”
“I told you I’ll keep hating you?”
His voice, filled with indignation, rose. Yoon Ye-jun soothed Ki Young-han, saying, “It’s okay, it’s okay.” His sobbing breaths gradually quieted with the comforting touch. What were they doing at the front door?
Yoon Ye-jun belatedly realized that Ki Young-han was hugging him tightly. It was different from how he was carefully holding Ki Young-han. A breathy laugh escaped him. Cute. He gently rubbed his back, and Ki Young-han flinched. Ki Young-han held Yoon Ye-jun tightly and spoke.
“Why, why is it okay even if I say I hate you?”
“Because it’s okay.”
Everything.
He could embrace all of Ki Young-han’s fierce temper, his shamelessly cute attitude of always doing as he pleased yet demanding attention, and all those other things.
Yoon Ye-jun shrugged his shoulders slightly. Ki Young-han sniffled and lifted his head. Shame and resentment still clung to him. Yoon Ye-jun tilted his head, caressed his eyes, and then chuckled softly. Ki Young-han’s eyebrows furrowed instantly, and he showed a strange expression.
Yoon Ye-jun cupped Ki Young-han’s cheeks with his hands. Ki Young-han, who had been staring intently at Yoon Ye-jun, pursed his lips widely and then curved his swollen eyes. His smiling face was awkward. Yoon Ye-jun stood on tiptoe and kissed the lips of Ki Young-han, who, despite having just cried aloud, couldn’t hide his emotions and burst into laughter. Ki Young-han’s expression turned serious as if he hadn’t been laughing, but then he lunged forward again.
To be continued in Volume 4.